::Attendees visible::

Lacey Sorrels: 
Good afternoon everyone. I want to welcome everyone today to our lunch to learn. This lunch and learn is being brought to you by a collaboration between Oklahoman -- Oklahoma Human Services, the University of Oklahoma,
Anne and Henry Zarrow School of Social Work and the Oklahoma Adoption Competency Network. We appreciate everyone
joining during your lunch and noon hour. We first want to get started so that we can make sure to respect everyone's time and the great information being discussed today. 
First, let us go over a few housekeeping things for our time together this afternoon. First, we are recording this meeting. By participating, you are giving your consent to be recorded. Second, help us reduce distractions
so we can all focus and participate. We have initially muted everyone to make it possible for everyone to hear the speakers. We do want you to express your thoughts and questions, so please utilize the chat for this purpose. We will be monitoring the chat and the questions will be touched upon during our Q&A time. During the last 15 minutes of the webinar. We want to see you. So if you're willing and if you can, please turn on your video. If you're unable, that is fine also. The third, remember confidentiality. It's vital that we protect confidential information so we will not share specifics regarding names, details, etc. about adoption cases, people and/or children. Fourth, by attending this training, you will receive one hour of training credit towards the 12 hours of in-service training that you need each year. Please indicate in the chat if you would like to receive a certificate.
Now I will hand this off to Katie Stewart, who is one of our post adoption social workers and today's host. 

Katie Stewart: 
Hi everyone. Give me just a second to get my PowerPoint up.

::Title Slide - Behind The Behavior - Healing Trauma through Conscious Connections::

All right. Can everyone see that? Okay. All right.  Like Lacey said, my name is Katie Stewart. I'm a child welfare social worker who is currently under supervision for my clinical license. And I work in post options with DHS. So today's training is part two in our Behind the Behavior series. Part one covered all of the nitty gritty science of how trauma affects the physical structure of our brain and the way our brain and body communicate,
and how that translates into behavior. If you weren't able to join us for part one, it is recorded and it's available on the Oklahoma Adoption Competency Network, and we will drop that link in the chat for you.
Today we're going to be taking what we learned about why behaviors happen and looking at how we as a, important adults in the child's life can, react and respond in a way that de-escalate situations and helps the child build new skills to overcome their trauma responses. Before we jump into today's topic, let's take a quick refresher of what we learned in Behind the Behavior, part one.

::Slide - Refresher::

So first we talked about how brain development is sequential. So goes from the bottom up and how traumatic experiences inhibit those higher level areas from developing properly. Next we talked about how the limbic system
governs our responses to input from our environment and how kids with complex trauma have overactive low road pathways and underdeveloped mission control, which means their body responds quickly and unconsciously to triggers. And they don't have the power to stop it.
Then we talked about epigenetic markers and how they're instruction manuals played down over our genes during in utero development, and how these markers can also be changed by the experiences we have throughout our lifespan. And then finally, we talked about, how children with complex trauma histories move through four stages of behavior regulated, revving, re-experiencing and reconstituting, and how our response as the adult affects how the child moves through these four stages. And we're going to talk about these four stages and what we can do
to help them move through them. Well, a lot today in our training.

::Slide - Reframing Discipline::

And so, so let's talk about how we are going to handle behaviors by reframing how we think about discipline. So we're going to talk about the difference between traditional discipline and conscious discipline. So traditional discipline is just probably the way. It's the way I was parented, the way a lot of our parents and their parents parented. So it's a very, punishment, consequence, control focus. So the root thought is that the child needs to learn appropriate behaviors and respect. And we do that through strict rules and consequences. Conscious discipline, focuses on teachable moments. And the root thought is that behavior is a communication. And we need to understand what they're communicating. So let's look at this a little bit more. 
Traditional discipline believes that we, as the adult have the power to make children change their behavior. Rules govern behavior. So if we have just the right rule or the right consequence, then we can get the desired outcome. Traditional discipline also sees conflict as bad and it wants to eliminate it. Sorry, I went a little bit ahead on my animations. It wants to eliminate it through consequences and punishments, consequences and rewards. So, for example, if there's no tantrums this morning, you can have a treat. Or if you don't follow the rules, you're not going to get TV time.
Conscious discipline flips these concepts around and knows we only have the power to change ourselves. So the child's going to feed off how we as the adult respond in a situation. So we do have the power to change a situation and change behavior to escalate their behavior, or de-escalate their behavior. But it's through
monitoring our own emotions and behavior in a way that disarms that child's survival instinct. So our relationships with one another, govern our behavior. They give us a willingness to want to work together and to solve our conflicts. 
And under a conscious discipline model, conflicts are an opportunity for growth. So when we have conflict, meaning our the child's behavior doesn't match up our expectation. In that situation, this is an opportunity to teach them new skills. They're missing certain skills. And we have the opportunity to teach them those skills and practice. So when children are spiraling into those uncontrolled trauma behaviors, remember they're locked into those bottom areas of their brain. The brain stem and the limbic system. Their basic instincts have taken over,
and they're survival focused only. So in this situation, an adult who responds in an out-of-control manner is just one more perceived threat to that child. And this further diminishes their sense of felt safety and will escalate their behaviors. So conscious discipline has to start with an adult who consciously responds to a behavior versus unconsciously reacting. And so now we're going to look at some very specific models and tactics
that we can use to apply these concepts.

::Slide - Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI)::

And the first thing we're going to talk about is trust based relational intervention or TBRI. And TBRI has three overarching concepts, the first of which is connection. So connection is both a long term skill and an in the moment skill. Connection is the foundation for every relationship, right? It's the foundation for what we're working towards. We want a good, solid bond and relationship with our child or the children that we are working with professionally. So we have to intentionally engage with the child over time to ensure there's a good foundation for our relationship. Then, in the moment when our child has lost control over their behavior and their emotions, connecting with them is going to again disarm that survival response in their brain and help. And we do that through maintaining our own composure. We use things like a calm tone of voice, safe and healthy touch. If that's something that the child responds well to and eye contact and getting down on the child's level. All of these things are signaling I am not a threat to the child's brain. We can also connect by showing empathy through verbalizing and validating their experience. So, for example, you seem angry. It's really hard when have to stop watching our favorite TV show and get ready for bed. I know. Saying something like that is validating the experience that the child is having in that moment.
The second concept is empower. So giving the child empowering is all about giving the child the right environment and the right opportunity to practice new skills. This is where consistency comes in. We're going to talk about different ways we can implement consistency through routines, rituals, and transitions in our homes or in our professional practices. It's not just the physical space that needs to be consistent, though, it's how we as the adult respond to the child. So when we respond in consistent ways over and over again, that increases the child's felt safety, and they have to feel safe in order to access those higher levels of their brain and learn and use new skills. 
Consistency also keeps children in that regulated state more often, which changes their general behavior over time because their brain gets practice staying calm. One way to implement consistency is through routines. So this means rules, expectations, and schedules in our home stay the same as much as possible. And again, that we are balanced and stable and fair in our approach with how we respond to our children. And we have to do routines in a way that works for the child. Just because we think something is very consistent and set in the environment as an adult doesn't mean it works that way for the child. So, for example, you may have heard people talk about using visual, visual schedules with children. And this is great. Weekly or daily schedules to help them know what's going on. But also we can use visual schedules for certain expectations throughout our home. So, for example, a bedtime routine or morning routine, having a simple checklist or visual reminders of each step that's expected for them, helps prompt them to remember what the expectation is and keeps things consistent so we can keep things as consistent as we hope to. But life happens, right? Schedules change. Things come up. We can't be perfect on this all of the time, and the child needs to learn how to roll with the changes, because that's going to be part of life. So we can help our children with unexpected changes by, telling them in advance whenever possible, and also offering strategies for how to manage these changes and unexpected things come up.
So one way that we can do this is through something called front loading or pre-teaching. And this is where you describe very specifically what the plan is, what the change in the plan is and what the expectation for the child is, so they can create a picture of it in their mind. We do this a lot with our younger kids very naturally. So for example, when you're taking a young child, you know, to the store, you might have a conversation about how do we behave in the store? Well, you're going to hold on to the cart or hold onto mom's hand, stay right by me, we're just going to get the things on our list, and then we're going to leave. We don't have time to go to the toys or to the candy aisle today. And so by walking them through the scenario, you're setting up a very clear expectation in their mind so they can create an image of what is going to happen in that situation. These types of things are especially helpful when you're going into a situation or a location that you know is difficult for your child or where your child tend to get triggered or sidetracked. 
When you're doing this pre-teaching, it's important to keep your tone playful and positive versus authoritarian. Because that's going to keep that child again in those upper levels of their brain versus feeling threatened or going into a power struggle. So you also want to anticipate what's going to sidetrack your child or what might trigger your child. So, for example, if going to the store is difficult, there's a lot going on at the grocery store, right? A lot of possibilities to become overstimulated, distracted, dissolve into tantrums, etc. So one thing you could do is, hey, we're going into the store today. We've got to get in out. We've got a list. You are a great helper and I need your help today to get in and out quickly. Can you hold the list for me and cross off the items as I name them and put them in the cart? Something like this, empowers the child that makes them feel important. Like, hey, I can contribute to this. I've got a job to do. The adult needs my help in this situation,
and then it also gives them something to focus on while you're in that potentially overstimulating and triggering environment. You can also use it to redirect if you're coming to a part of the store that you know, that toy aisle or the candy aisle that tends to be so difficult for our kiddos. You can say, oh, hey, how many things do we have left on the list? Or did we get bananas already? Or do we still need to get those? So things like that offer you the chance to refocus your child if you see them Starting to maybe, go into whining or losing their emotions or you just know we're coming to a part of the store that's difficult.
Another, empowering tactic is rituals. So rituals are, again, all of these are part of consistency. Rituals specifically give meaning and connection for our children. And they help. Again, you're going to hear me say this over and over today. They help it increase the child's sense of felt safety. So there's a lot of ways that we do
rituals, family traditions can be rituals for the child, whether that's holiday traditions or going for a walk after dinner. Whatever traditions we create, and then we also, again, we do this naturally in our homes in a lot of ways. For example, bedtime routines. You know, we set up whether it's, you know, bath, shower, bed, snuggle time, etc. We create a routine around bedtime. And we can also create these routines for or these rituals for anything that's difficult for our child. 
So for example, I have two kiddos and, a little over a year ago, we had a, really traumatic event with our son he had some medical trauma, and that was really hard on our whole family, especially my six year old daughter. She started exhibiting some separation anxiety behaviors that were more like a 3 or 4 year old just clinging to our legs and not wanting to leave us. Even in very comfortable, environments. So we created a goodbye routine. We talked with her while creating this routine. She was or this ritual she was part of creating it. So she had a voice in it. And we also talked with her about, you know, Mom and Dad are going to come back. So this is our goodbye ritual. It's time to say goodbye now. But, you know, we're going to come back. And so she got to create the routine or the ritual. It's a just a kiss on each cheek and then a kiss in her palm so she can take it with her. And that helped her connect with us in a moment that's difficult for her and be able to feel safe moving into another place like school drop off. So it's really good to involve your child in creating those rituals because that helps them feel empowered.
And then lastly, transitions. Transitions are hard for kids because when they're engaging in an activity, watching TV, playing whatever it is, their brains are comfortable. They have designated that that activity
or that environment is safe. And then when we as the adult come in and say, it's time to move to this activity,
it's time to get ready for bed, or it's time to leave the house and go to this other place, their brains have to shift from that known comfortable activity to an unknown, and so that gives opportunity for our felt safety to go down and for behaviors to escalate. So when you as the adult have a strong connection with your child, you can help them through these transitions, especially if you're using the tactics of routines and rituals. All of these things pre-teaching, consistent consistent routines help them keep that felt safety high when they're moving from one activity to another, or one place to another.
And then the last, principle for TBRI is Correction. So if you remember when we talked about in the last slide for Conscious Discipline, the idea is that there's missing skills and mistakes or opportunities to practice new skills. And this is what we use correction for. So it's a skill building mindset. But you as the adult are setting the structure and the boundaries for that child to practice their new skills within. Structure and boundaries are good for children. They need to have them in order to thrive. So some specific ways that we can use correction with this mindset is a redo. So a redo is exactly what it sounds like. It's a chance to practice, new skills. So we as adults can model this for children throughout the day. So, for example, if you're getting stuff for dinner ready that night and you say, hey, give me those dishes. Oh, I didn't use very nice words, did I? Let me try that again. Can you please hand me those dishes? This is modeling redoing for children. It's also showing them that we as adults make mistakes and need do overs as well And that's a really validating thing
for kids to see that adults don't have it together all of the time, that they can do redos as well. So we can use this in lots of different scenarios, right? 
So, for example, a kiddo takes a cookie from the cookie jar without asking, say, hey, but I see you took the cookie. Remember? We have to ask before we get a treat. So why don't you practice asking? And I will say yes. And then the child says, well, please, may I have the cookie? You say, yes. Now some people, if you have that traditional discipline mindset, might struggle with these situations a little bit  because it seems like we're giving in like we're giving them a reward. When they didn't exhibit the behavior the first time. And it's really a pick your battle situation. So yes, we are giving them the cookie even though they didn't ask for it the first time. But remember, our goal is long term skill building. And so in that moment, is it the end of the world if they have the cookie? No. The important thing is, is that they got the opportunity to practice that skill and they got to do it in an environment that didn't shame them for the behavior or guilt them for the behavior. And that's going to go a lot longer towards changing their behavior over time. Sometimes we can't do a redo like right away. 
So, for example, if a kiddo gets into a physical fight, with a kid at school, we can't necessarily redo that exact situation. Right? But what we can do and what it's important to do still, is we can role play that at home. So when we're talking with our child about what happened with that other kiddo, we can have a conversation about apologizing. And, apologizing and using our words to ask for what we need. And then we, as the adult, can be the other child and allow them to practice that skill so they still have the opportunity to do that redo.
Another tactic is Choices and Compromise. So choices is again, pretty self-explanatory. It's where an adult offers two choices that they are okay with. Again, we're setting structure and boundaries for our kiddos. And then the child has the power to choose within those. So for example, it's cold and rainy out and your kiddo doesn't want to wear their coat. So you say, would you like to wear your coat or put it in your backpack? And the child gets to make the choice so they have the control and they feel like their voice is heard in that moment. This is different than offering the child what would be like a right or wrong choice. So, fine, wear your coat or don't. I don't care. This scenario, the adult is assuming that when the child is cold later, they're going to think, I should have brought my coat. And then next time the child will bring their coat. The problem with this
is that it assumes that the child has logic skills that they might not actually have. So again, we as the adult are setting appropriate structure and boundaries while giving the child voice and choice and control when it's appropriate.
Compromise takes the choices concept one step further, and it allows the child to present a third option. So you have to use this within your own judgment. You know, your child and you know if they're capable of presenting, an actionable third choice. Because remember, once the three choices are presented, the child has the power to choose any of those three options. So you just need to use that appropriately for your child and your situation.
Another tactic is Code Words. Code words are a way to correct behavior without drawing attention to the situation and potentially bringing shame on the child for the behavior. So this is really good to have in place when you're at large gatherings or public places, stores, sporting events, etc.. So what it is, is you choose you and the child together again, include them whenever you can in these types of decisions. You create a code word that stands for a specific behavior expectation that you guys have laid out that the child understands, and then you use it when you see the child exhibiting a behavior that they shouldn't. So, for example, let's say you have a kiddo that struggles with personal space and boundaries. So you're at an event and they're just wanting to get up in everybody's lap. So let's say you've created a code word because this is something that you deal with on a regular basis. That means you can sit in my lap or dad's lap, but nobody else's. So then when you're at that public event, you simply say the code word, and that prompts the child to remember the expectation without causing a scene or shaming their behavior.
And then we're going to talk about what's called a Deferred Yes. So simply saying the word no can send many kiddos on that road to their downstairs brain, to feeling threatened and to engaging in a power struggle. So we want to avoid saying it as much as possible, again, while still setting appropriate structure and boundaries for our kids. So an example is, it's getting close to dinnertime, and your child says, can I have a brownie? Yes. With your dinner. Would you like to put it on your plate now or get it out of the pantry after we finish eating? So again, in this example, you are saying yes. So you're avoiding that word, avoiding a potential power struggle, but you're also setting the structure and the boundary of we've got to eat dinner too. We can't eat it before dinner because I want you to have a good dinner, and then you're giving the child some choice and control by asking them if they want to put it on their plate right now or later. 
And then finally, we have, Time In. And time in is a similar concept to Time Out. Except that time out, right. We use that when our kiddos are dysregulated. You know, they're out of control in their body. They need time to calm down in their behavior before we can talk to them about whatever's going on. Time out traditionally signals that the child needs to go away somewhere, to a corner or a seat until their behavior is calm enough that we, as the adult, can deal with them. Time In twists this a little bit, and asks that the child stay near the adult until they are regulated and that we as the adult are helping them with being able to calm down. Now again, this looks different depending on your child. Some kiddos really do well with physical touch right when they're losing control, their emotions and their behavior, they're going to do great if we give them a hug or if they sit on our lap or sit next to us, and other kiddos, don't they need space to calm down and they're going to do better with that. So in these instances, we come up with a predetermined chill zone in our house where they can go ideally
in a central area of the house. So for example, we have one, in the corner of our living room. It's a little beanbag, and there's a little basket with some really quiet, like, fidget toys. And that's their chill zone,
because I've got one kiddo that loves physical touch when they're dysregulated and one that does not. And so they can go to their chill zone. I'm still in the area checking on them. They know I'm there, but they have their space to calm down and then once they're regulated, we talk about it afterwards. 

::Slide - Stages of Behavior::

So now we're going to think about those stages of behavior cycle that we talked about in part one, and what happens when we apply the concepts of connection, empower, and correction during the different stages of behavior. So again, connection is the foundation of our relationship with our children. And it's got to happen
all of the time, right? We need to be connecting intentionally with our child all of the time. But it's also critical to have connection in the re-experiencing stage. Remember, this stage is when the child's higher level brain areas are completely offline. They're dysregulated, and they're locked into their fight, flight, or freeze response. By connecting in this stage, we're helping them come out of that response. We're helping them shut that response down. In the same vein, we need connection in the reconstituting stage, because this is when the child's
brain is starting to calm down. But it's not completely regulated yet. And they can very easily be pushed back into re-experiencing if it's not handled well. So connecting with them here is going to help push them back into fully regulated. 
Like connection, Empowering also happens all of the time, right? We talked about how we create
a consistent environment in our house as well as in our relationship with our child. So it happens all of the time throughout all of the stages, but it's especially helpful in the revving and reconstituting stages. Again, there's lots of different ways to empower like we talked about, but the overall goal is to increase their felt safety. So when a child's revving, that child is losing their sense of felt safety because their brains identified a threat and it's going into that survival mode. So at this stage, the goal of empowering is to help shut down that pathway to their fight, flight or freeze response. We want to pull them out of that cycle. So this is a good spot to engage in a ritual or say a code word, etc. something to trigger their brain to use those coping skills or to come out of that automatic pathway that it's going down. And then we want to follow up with praise. Any time a child makes a positive step, whether it's a tiny step or a giant step, we want to praise the steps that they made, because this is going to encourage them to continue to practice.
So similarly, when a child's going into reconstituting, like we talked about with connection, their brain starting to calm and empowering tactics are going to continue this process. So using, rituals or code words is going to continue. And praise is going to continue to push them into that regulated state. So now let's talk about correction. The goal for correction right is maintaining appropriate structure and boundaries and skill building. So to have any kind of positive effect correction has to be used at the right time. So let's think about revving again. This is when a child is starting to lose control over their emotions and their behavior. Correction at this stage is going to make the child feel more threatened, and it's going to push them into re-experiencing. Correction and re-experiencing is just flat out not going to work. Skill building and using skills requires that your brain is fully online and all areas are working. And as we know in the re-experiencing stage, they're locked into those downstairs areas. So it's not they're not going to be able to take in anything you're saying. They're not going to be able to apply anything at all. So applying correction in both revving and re-experiencing is going to escalate the situation and then applying correction in the reconstituting stage. Again the child's starting to calm down, but it's still a very fragile state. They can be pushed into escalating again
very easily. They're not yet fully regulated. So if we try and correct here, we're going to push them back because they're going to feel threatened and they're going to get pushed back into re-experiencing.
We want to use correction because that builds the skills. But until we get them out of their survival part of their brain, it's not going to stay with them. They're not able to learn or put anything into memory. When they're in those downstairs parts of their brains, they're going to continue the same behavior pattern, because all they know is how to survive. That's what their brain has been wired to do. So connection has to be first,
and then we empower and correct. And we've got to apply correction when they're in the regulated stage, because that's when of all of those great higher level brain areas are online and working, so they can learn and store information to use in the future.

::Slide - How Do I Handle.....::

So lastly, we're going to talk about some specific behaviors or situations that can be really difficult for our kiddos.
So the first thing we're going to talk about is sleep. So sleep can be really hard for our kiddos, right? Bedtime can be hard. A lot of scary things happened at night, in their previous environment and sleep. When we're trying to calm down and go to sleep, we're not active, and so it's a great time for our brains to go into a spiral of anxiety or think about traumatic memories, and then it's really difficult for them to calm down and relax. So some tactics that you can use for your kiddos during sleep are, a sound machine to drown out scary noises in the room. All those creaks and bumps and, branches scratching the window, etc.. Another idea is using walkie talkies. So you have one, walkie talkie that stays with the child, and then one walkie talkie that goes with you as the parent. And this is really great if you have a kiddo who just wants you to stay with them until they fall asleep,
who struggles with that separation because they know that they can access you and your, feeling of safety any time that they need. Oh, getting a little ahead of myself. I have a couple more sleep things before we move on to the next one. So another idea is to make a fun book of memories. So with your family, even if they have a life book with fun memories or good memories of their bio family as well, and keep it by their bed. So when their brain is bringing up all these scary thoughts, they can look at those pictures, to help put their brain thoughts in a more positive direction. And then lastly, we have something called a reverse sleep way. This is a similar concept to the walkie talkie idea. So you go through your bedtime routine. You put your child to bed, and then you come back and check on them at specific, time intervals that you and your child understand. So, one minute and then five minutes and then ten minutes, etc.. So you're starting closer together and then you're getting further apart as you go. When you go in and check on them, it's no talking or engagement, just, a kiss on the cheek or a thumbs up. Something that you guys have decided on. And again, this helps the child know, okay, they're coming back to check on me and it helps increase their sense of felt safety.
So now let's talk about lying. Why do kids lie? That's what we need to talk about first, right? First, it's developmentally appropriate at certain ages. So it's a way that kids test boundaries. And so it's appropriate
for them to lie at different ages. Another reason why kids lie is because we as adults model lying to them, not necessarily on purpose. We just do little white lies in our lives. Right? So let's say, you know, somebody made you dinner and then you see them a few days later and they're like, hey, how did you like that casserole I made for you? And you don't want to hurt their feelings, right? So you're going to say, it was great. Thank you so much. That was so sweet. But your child is watching that interaction, and they know that you didn't really enjoy that casserole. And so in instances like that, they are seeing you as the adult lying. Another reason why people lie in general is because you're fearful, right? You're fearful of what the truth is going to bring. And if you're a child especially, you're fearful of getting in trouble, you're fearful of getting caught. And what that's going to mean for you, again, especially for our kiddos with trauma, they have a lot of internalized shame. And so they're afraid of feeling more shame. Because they did something they weren't supposed to do. 
So any time we're dealing with lying, first and foremost, we want to again be calm and present an environment of you're not in trouble, but we've got to fix this situation. So again, it's a very open, calm, loving situation of I still love you, but we've got to fix this situation. So let's, let's build some skills. So one great way to handle lying is to not open up the opportunity for them to lie in the first place, right? Because when kids start lying, we can get into a really bad power struggle of you're lying. Well, no, I'm not. I know you are. No you don't. And that's just going to devolve into a power struggle. You're both going to feel threatened and frustrated and it's going to escalate the situation. So going back to our cookie jar experiment or example, so instead of saying, did you take the cookie from the cookie jar without asking, which opens up the opportunity for him to say, no, I didn't, and you're like, I know you did. I just watched you do it and you're going to get into that back and forth and it's not going to be productive. You say, hey, I know you took the cookie. Remember, we have to ask before we get a treat. Let's practice asking and then I'll say yes. And so you, you stop the opportunity to lie and then you go straight into that redo that we talked about earlier.
Sometimes the lying is a little bit more complicated, and we need to get to the root of the situation. This can often be true with older kids. So let's say you've got a kiddo, who skipped class, and the school has called you. And, you know, they skipped class and now you're having a discussion about it. Again, don't open up the  opportunity to lie. So I know you skipped class. And then instead of going into a, you know better, you know what the rules are. You've got to go to class. You can't get all these tardies, etc. you say, why don't you tell me
what happened at history time today? And that can open up a conversation. So let's say that child says, well, Brent was being really mean, and he was saying some horrible things, and I was getting really, really angry. And I really just wanted to punch him. So instead I went to the library and didn't go to class. So this scenario, you're getting at the root of what's going on, the deeper issue. Right? It also gives you the opportunity to
praise the things that your child did do right. So I'm so proud that you recognize that your anger was getting out of control and you got yourself out of that situation, but we've got to go to history class, don't we? So what can we do? How can you and I work together to figure out how we can go to history class, and then you brainstorm ideas. You know, maybe this kid is a constant problem, and maybe he needs to be in a different history class so that that's not an issue. Maybe it's, you know, you sit on this side of the room and he sits on that side of the room. So you and the child work together to come up with example examples and ideas for how to solve the situation. So again, you're saying all the great things that they did, you're praising them for what they did right. And then holding up that boundary of we have to go to class, even if there's somebody that we don't like in that class, how can we do that together? And then you're giving that child, voice and choice in coming up with
ideas to solve the situation.
And then lastly, sometimes kiddos just lie to lie, right? We've got kiddos that just tell stories, and we know that they're not true. So when kiddos are lying about stuff that didn't happen, if it's not harmful to anyone,
don't engage with it. So again, we're trying to avoid the power struggle of that didn't really happen. Well,
yes it did. No, it didn't. Because you're devolving into a power struggle that's going to send them to their downstairs part of the brain, and it's not going to be beneficial to anybody. So, for example, let's say kiddo comes home with a crazy story. I wrestled a boa constrictor in the cafeteria today. We know that didn't happen. Is it harming anyone for her to tell that story? No. So instead, you respond with, that's such a great story. You have a really good imagination. Should we draw a picture of you wrestling a boa constrictor? And so in this scenario, you're not giving into her lie, right? You never said it was true. But you also didn't engage with the
I know you're lying. No, I'm not situation. So you are, setting a boundary of oh, that's such a great story. Like, I know you're lying, but I'm not going to use those words and engage in that. And then you're also empowering her and making her feel valued by saying, you have such a great imagination, and then you're offering opportunities to connect, like, let's draw a picture together, or you draw a picture and then tell me about it.
So handling lies in these ways are just going to be a smoother way to get through the situation again, without devolving into that power struggle, because that's not going to be helpful, and it's not going to allow any kind
of skill building or any conversation about what deeper issues are going on in that situation. And in each of these examples, I've given ways how you can empower the child to have a part in fixing the situation.
And then the last thing that we're going to talk about is food, right? Food is an ongoing struggle for many of our kiddos because access to food is a matter of control. And again, felt safety for that child. Like everything
else, it's a survival skill that's been ingrained into the structure of their brain. So some ways that you can handle, access to food at home. For one, you can have a box of snacks in the pantry, fridge on the counter, wherever. And this is a yes box. So you as the adult are creating the structure. You have chosen what goes into that box of snacks. But the child has free access to it any time of day or night that they need. So that is helping them feel safe and in control of their need to have access to food. Some other examples, especially around meal time. So let's say you're in the middle of making lunch or dinner. Kiddos often are, you know, just starving to death, right? Right before dinner is ready. So, some ways to handle this is: One, you can set out fresh fruits and vegetables or something similar on the counter. And this can be part of your dinner. So create use it as like the side dishes to whatever you're cooking. But they have free access to it while you are cooking. So they have access to food that you again, have set the structure of. This is the food I want you to eat, and it's available, but they have access to it, freely while you're making dinner. It doesn't make any extra work for you because it's included in your menu. But it allows them to have some control and choice. Right? Another great option is to have that child that's just starving to death be a taste tester while you're making dinner. So they come in. I'm starving. I want to snack. And instead of getting into an argument about dinner's going to be ready in 15 minutes. I'm not going to make it 15 minutes, etc. you say, hey, I need some help making sure dinner tastes good. Can you be my taste tester for me? Again, this offers opportunity for them to connect with you. It empowers them by giving them a specific job and then it helps temper that. I'm starving feeling by giving them little bites of food while you're making dinner.

::Slide - Putting It All Together::

So now we're going to put this all together. So we know from part one that trauma puts up roadblocks for healthy brain development, particularly in the areas of impulse control, emotion regulation, and understanding actions and consequences. We also know that trauma's effects are written into, again, the structure of our brain and our DNA. Through those epigenetic instructions, trauma responses are unconscious and uncontrollable because their brain's been wired to survive as trusted adults in the child's life, we have to counter everything that our brain has learned about the world up until this point, and we start with connection. If our connection to the children
or the child is strong, we're more likely to stay calm and desire to work with one another when things start to go poorly, when things start to escalate. So I encourage you to watch your child, to listen to their words, watch their behavior, look at how they're handling their emotions all throughout the day at dinner, in play, going to bed, etc. and look for disruptions in their behaviors and see if you can catch any patterns or anything specific
that's triggering so that you can set up those rituals and those routines, around areas that you know are difficult for your kiddo. Throughout all of this, you have to stay calm because the child's going to mirror your emotions and your responses. And this isn't easy, right? I've used my kiddos as an example a few times throughout this training, and so I can tell you, it's hard to put these things into practice. Like sometimes I'm really frustrated and staying calm and the last thing that I want to do, but it's really important to stay calm and also just know that in those moments, like we're not perfect, this is hard. I don't stay calm all the time. I lose it and I make a mistake. And when I do that, I go back to my child. When I calm down and say, I'm really sorry. Mom messed up. She didn't handle that very well, did she? And by me showing that I recognize that I made a mistake and then adults make a mistake, that's going to be very validating for the child, and it's going to help our
connection in that moment. When you have a solid foundation of connection, you can use mistakes both on your part
and on the child's part, as an opportunity to learn and practice new skills and build better outcomes for their futures. All right.

::Slide - References::

These are some of the references that I've used in the training today. We talked a lot about TBRI as well as Conscious Discipline. They both have YouTube pages and websites that I encourage you to visit because they've got a lot of great, additional tips and tools on there. And then we will also be recording this, as Lacey said at the beginning. And it will be up on that same website for you guys to view in the future.

::Attendees visible::

Any questions?

Lacey: 
'Moms phone' put in the chat earlier "We have one that hates peas but love green beans. So we put green beans out when we have peas so that there's always something healthy she will eat that is healthy." And that's a perfect example of what you were talking about, Katie. 

Katie: 
Yes, that is really great. That's a classic example of you're setting the structure as the parent. You're putting out a vegetable. We want our kiddos to eat healthy food, eat vegetables, but you're making that child feel safe by putting out something that they like and you're avoiding a power struggle. So that's a really great example.

Lacey: 
If anyone else has any other questions if you want to add those in the chat? So 'Moms phone' asked "where can we find the website she just mentioned?" So we'll make sure we get that added down below in the chat.

Katie: 
Yeah, I will look them up right now on that.

Lacey: 
Okay. And while she's adding that in the chat, we just wanted to thank everyone for joining us today. So in the chat you will also find the QR code that will take you to the adoption competency page on OKFosters.org. There you'll find resources and resources and links to our next events that are wrapped around supporting adoptive families. And then just a reminder, if you are needing a training certificate for today, just let us know in the comments or in the chat box, and we'll get one emailed to you shortly. And then we also have Bonni has just included in the chat box, our survey link. So if you wouldn't mind just filling that out for us. Before you go.

Bonni: 
Awesome. Thank you. Katie, we've got the, TBRI link in the chat, and we've also got Conscious Discipline. I love, Katie, that's one of my favorite things of this part of the training is where you put those together and see how they fit together. And it's not. It's not separate. I thought that was very, very helpful. And it looks like we've got, a couple people who need a training certificate. Thank you.

Lacey: 
And if you didn't previously, drop your email in the top of the chat box, go ahead and drop that now so we can make sure to get that to you.

Bonni: 
All right. Thank you all so much. Great job Katie. We really appreciate it. We will have some more, lunch and learns up on the site very soon. We'll have some, in the rest of this month, May and June. And I think we're even looking into July. So we've got some things coming up. We appreciate it. Let us know if you have any questions in the meantime.