0:00-->1:47 Silent as Informational Slideshow appears on screen with the following information:
LOGO in upper left corner: Anne & Henry Zarrow School of Social Work. Continuing Education - The University of Oklahoma

Virtual CE The Importance of Birth Family Connections Within An Adoptive Family. Tuesday, May 7th, 2024

Slide 1: For Those Seeking CE Credits: instructions to verify attendance (for Zoom Profile account changes https://bit.ly/3wJoeaU)
Slide 2: Continuing Education Certificates CE Database https://bit.ly/43Ydvpt
Slide 3: Today's Session Will Be Recorded Resource Database: https://bit.ly/3VVaRiu
Slide 4: Links & Information will be provided in an post-event follow-up email.
Title Slide: The Importance of Birth Family Connections Within An Adoptive Family. Rabecca Holt, MSE. Tuesday, May 7th 12pm-1pm CST
Slide 6: Thank you for joining us today.
Slide 7: We Want to know your thoughts - online evaluation https://bit.ly/3xGNJKc
Slide 1 (repeat): For Those Seeking CE Credits
Slide 2 (reapeat): CE Certificates

Presentation slides are shown throughout the video and can be found in the Resource Database.

::Attendees Visible::

[Caitlynn Land]
Hi everyone. I wanna welcome everyone today to our Lunch and Learn. This Lunch and Learn is being brought to you by collaboration between Oklahoma Human Services, University of Oklahoma Anne and Henry Zarrow School of Social Work and the Oklahoma Adoption Competency Network. We appreciate everyone joining during your lunch or noon hour. We wanna go ahead and get started so that we can make sure to respect everyone's time and the great information being discussed today.
First, we're gonna go over a few housekeeping rules for our time together this afternoon. We are recording this meeting. By participating, you are giving your consent to be recorded. Go ahead and help us reduce distractions so we can all focus and participate. We have muted everyone to make it possible for everyone to hear the speakers. We want you to express your thoughts and questions. Please go ahead and utilize the chat for this purpose. We will monitor the chat and questions, and they will be touched upon during our Q&A time during the last 15 minutes of the webinar. We wanna see you, so if you're willing and you can, please go ahead and turn on your video. If you're unable, that is fine also. To receive information about other post-adoption events, please list your name and your email in the chat and we'll make sure to add you to our contact list. Remember confidentiality. It is vital that we protect confidential information, so we will not share specifics such as names, details, et cetera, about adoption cases, people or children. CEUs are now available to professionals for this training. Foster parents attending the training will also receive a one hour of training credit toward the 12 hours of in-service training that you will need each year. Please indicate in the chat if you would like to claim the CEU by posting your name and email. We will send you a certificate of attendance and participation. Now, I'm gonna go ahead and hand everything off to Ms. Rabecca Holt, who's today's host.

[Rabecca]
Thank you, Caitlynn. Can everybody hear me? Okay, great. Hi everyone. Um, my name is Rabecca Holt and I've been with Oklahoma Human Services for 16 years now, and I currently work as an Adoption Specialist and Assigned Statewide Adoption Facilitator for Enhanced Foster Care and Quad Two adoptions. Quad Two adoptions are children who are legally available for adoption, but do not have an identified adoptive placement. So that's the population that I work with. I am also an adult adoptee who has dedicated many years of both my professional and personal life working with both adopted children and adoptive families.
So welcome to this Lunch and Learn I am going to try to share my screen here so you can see my PowerPoint.

::Slide - The Importance of Birth Family Connections Within An Adoptive Family::

Okay. Can everybody see the PowerPoint called, "Can I get a connection?" This training is about the importance of birth family connections within an adoptive family. Caitlynn, is everything good on your end? Are you able to see the, okay. I just wanted to make sure that we're, we're good. 
I was two and a half when I was moved out of my family of origin and into my adoptive family. Everything was different. Everything was scary and unfamiliar. The smells were different, the voices were different. Where was my family? Are they coming back to get me? Who are these new people I'm being introduced to? Why are they so excited to see me? I don't even know them. This can't be good, but all the new people are saying it's good, so it must be. These sentiments capture my earliest memories of transition from my birth to my adoptive family. These thoughts and feelings echo that of adoptees throughout the world.

::Slide - Cabbage Patch Analogy::

The cabbage patch analogy. Cabbage Patch Kids are kids and babies of all sizes and shapes that are born in a secret cabbage patch. They have no existence prior to appearing in the cabbage patch, and life does not begin for them until they emerge from the cabbage patch. Oftentimes, adoptees can feel very similar to a cabbage patch kid in that their life didn't actually begin until they were placed with their adoptive family, and they have no actual existence prior to the finalization of their adoption.

::Slide - Building a Relationship with Birth Families::

Building a relationship with birth families and maintaining safe and healthy connections between birth and adoptive families is challenging and it requires a commitment, but it is very important for children and youth who are adopted. So I wanna ask a couple of questions, um, and you can either answer in the chat or unmute.
Um, one of the questions I have, um, for you is, why do you think it might be beneficial for adopted families to foster a relationship with birth families? Any thoughts?

[Robert Cohen]
I can, uh, make a suggestion?

[Rabecca]
Sure.

[Robert]
Uh, I think that if a relationship is established, uh, that it makes it so that when the, uh, adopted child, uh, interacts, if the child does, at some point with their birth family, birth parents, that it'll make more sense to them. They'll be able to, it'll have a sense of greater reality for them.

[Rabecca]
I think that's great feedback and it's, it's super important that adoptees hear the story of where they came from, um, from the perspective of their birth families and their adopted families. Um, my next question for you guys, and Robert, I appreciate you answering that question.
My next question for you to think about or unmute and discuss or talk in the chat is, what are some concerns that first crossed your mind when you heard the title and content of this Lunch and Learn? Specifically if we have any foster or adoptive families who are on this, uh, Lunch and Learn. Did anyone have any concerns that crossed their mind when they heard the topic?

[William T. Bailey]
I, um, I didn't have any concerns, but my husband and I are foster parents going through and there's a possibility that termination of rights is in the future for the kiddo. So this is just very appropriate for where we are in our journey.

[Rabecca]
That's wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing that. Um, it is a very timely lesson then, and I'm glad that you were able to join today. Um, we can't really talk about the benefits of building relationship with birth families without discussing potential challenges.

::Slide - Potential Challenges::

[Carlie Van Woerkom]
Um, Rabecca?

[Rabecca]
Yes. Carlie.

[Carlie]
So sorry. I do, Barbara Sears had her hand raised for your previous question, so I just wanted to let you know. I know you can't see it.

[Rabecca]
Oh, I didn't know -- yeah, I didn't see, okay, Barbara, go ahead. Sorry. I've been trying to go through all of the people participating.

[Barbara Sears]
Oh, [chuckles] just quickly, my, my adopted children were all of a race different from my own. So there was no question about actually telling them that they were adopted. It was the questions that came next as they got older. And they are all grown now. And now I am, I'm also working now, now I have also grown grandchildren who are the children of those adopted, uh, children. And, uh, two of my children were native. And the grandchildren have really, especially the granddaughter, has really gotten involved in her tribal activities because we made, we started out with the idea that if at all possible and if our children wanted to have contact with their birth families, that we were going to make every effort to help them do that. So, um, that, it's been very educational and, and very much, uh, of a gift of the Caddo Nation that, uh, my children have and grandchildren have been involved in their activities.

[Rabecca]
That is wonderful, Barbara. Thank you so much for sharing that information. [echo] Sharing that information.

[Shala Fletcher]
Rabecca, are we talking about fears too? 

[Rabecca]
We are, we're talking about you're, we're talking about, Shala, I'm so glad, I'm so glad you're here. I think I have an, I think I have an echo.

[Shala]
Oh, sorry. Does this help?

[Rabecca]
No, I don't know. I don't know.

[Shala]
I'll just say it real fast and then mute. I mean, if we're, if we're being real about fears, it's that our daughter will be fine. She'll live on her own, she'll have her own house, and then later her bio parents will want to come and live off of her. I mean, that's a real fear.

[Rabecca]
Hmm. I appreciate you sharing that because it's, it's very legitimate and this is why I wanted to do this training today and, and educate and, you know, it's imperative speaking to what you just brought up, Shala, it's imperative that, um, we ensure that as we make these connections with safe members of the, of the birth family, that we also educate our kiddos. Because once you adopt a child, I mean, legally they are your child and you are the parent. And it's important to educate your kiddos on the importance of boundaries. Um, I know that my adopted family, personally, was very open with me about my story and where I came from, and they also taught me good boundaries. So I think that that's imperative too. So I appreciate you bringing that up.
Um, on this slide, we're gonna talk a little bit about the potential challenges within building relationships with birth families. Um, one of the challenges we have, um, in addition to what Shala just brought up, is divided loyalties. So I wanna talk a little bit about that. The definition of divided loyalty is when an individual is required to show loyalty to one deserving relationship at the cost of betraying or being disloyal to another deserving relationship. So sit with that for just a second. Now that you know the definition of divided loyalties, how would this phrase impact an adopted child as it pertains to the relationship between the birth and adopted families?

[Crosstalk]
[Rabecca]
I see the hand up, but I can't --

[LuShuna Blalock]
It would, um, it would actually stagnate the growth of that child, um, um, mentally, um, because they're still stuck at, um, the age they were when they had to make that decision. Um, and, and I, we are a blended, um, adopted family through kinship and, um, we see that, um, in our older two, there's a group of four and, um, the older two who were six and three, uh, going on four at the time, um, it was a very tumultuous, um, process, um, with going from adoption to, with going from, um, reconciliation to termination to adoption. And so by us all being family members, divided loyalties came in with the older two. Um, and it, it's, it's like day one for them all over. And no matter how we celebrate 'em, no matter how we, you know, um, praise and encourage the milestones, it's like they feel guilty.

[Rabecca]
Ms. Blalock, I really appreciate you sharing that because it, it, it is a real thing and it's something that's very challenging, um, with kiddos who are adopted to feel this sense of divided loyalty between their birth family and their adopted family. And I can imagine that that would be so much more challenging in, in a kinship situation. And so I appreciate you bringing that to the forefront, um, because it is a struggle and I applaud your efforts to continue to maintain those connections and to let your adopted children know that it's okay to feel how they feel, and you're here to support them regardless. 
Um, Kerry, I, I saw you unmute and I thought you had a comment. Did I miss you?

[Kerry Harlin]
It was actually the same. She covered, I was gonna say the division of loyalty, always feeling like you're, um, you're guilty, if you care about one, that you're hurting the other.

[Rabecca]
Yes. And that is a real thing for adoptive kiddos. And, you know, personally, I felt that quite a bit growing up, that I had this curiosity about where I came from, but I was so afraid to be vocal with that curiosity. Um, for fear to do harm. I didn't want to do harm. And so, uh, taking the pressure off the table for adopted kids and allowing them to talk openly about where they came from, the fears they have surrounding their adoption, maybe some of the mistruths around their adoption is incredibly helpful for adopted kids.

[Barbara Sears]
Uh, if I could, if I could, uh, add to that. Back when I, when I was adopting, everything was closed and confidential and even the agencies discouraged contact with the, uh, birth families, we had to actually wait until our kids were like old enough to actually make a decision and make, and ask a question. But I think it's really important, as you were, as you were mentioning Ms. Holt, that that, uh, the adoptive family continually let the child know that, that they will love them no matter what. And you know, they're gonna have decisions as they get older, but that, uh, whatever information that they want or need, want to have, and that, that the adoptive family would be helpful in assisting them get that information. And what's happening more now, that I notice, is people are much more open about contact with the birth family. So it's, it's a very different world these days. 

[Rabecca]
Absolutely. Barbara, I appreciate you bringing that point to the forefront because, um, when I was adopted, mine was a closed adoption as well, and, and there was a lot of, um, secrecy involved where it was just that thing you didn't talk about. Um, and so we are becoming a more open society as it pertains to talking about some of the strengths and some of the challenges within adoptive placements. And so I, I appreciate that.
Um, another point I wanna bring out within this slide is, um, that I want to open up to the floor is how might the feeling of divided loyalties, of which we've just spoken about from an adopted child, feed into competitive relationships between the child's adoptive and biological family. Any thoughts or feedback on that topic?

[Melissa Littlecreek]
Hello, my name is Melissa Littlecreek, and, um, I adopted my granddaughter, um, which is my daughter's child. And, um, due to her mental illness, um, they took her at birth. So, um, with me adopting her, I'm kind of scared, um, a little fearful that, um, one my daughter, my daughter that I just adopted, um, will have the mental illness my daughter has that also her father has. Um, and then I, I, I think about, what do I tell her? Um, because my daughter is nowhere in the picture. Um, they took her at birth, um, and then the father, he has some mental illness, um, the whole, his whole family. Um, so I, I, I kind of stumble with telling her about the families, the, the father's side, and my daughter. Um, I, I need some help with that. Um, help if you can please help me.

[Rabecca]
I think that you bring up a really good point. Um, and that is a challenge. I think that whenever you're talking with your children about where they came from, I think it's imperative to recognize, um, your child, the age of your child, the maturity of your child, um, their cognition and their ability to understand, uh, the story in which you share with them. Um, there's an expert on this Lunch and Learn, Dr. Goodwin, and I would like to ask for her feedback on that specific question. Dr. Goodwin, I'm gonna put you on the spot.

[Bonni Goodwin]
[laughs] Hi, everyone. Um, yeah, I am, I would love, uh, I'd love to be able to help. I would just ask, um, Melissa, was it you that shared what, what that question was?

[Melissa]
Yes.

[Bonni]
Could you, could you repeat the question? I apologize.

[Melissa]
Um, I just adopted my granddaughter. Uh, she was taken at birth due to the, uh, extensive amount of drugs that was in her at birth. Um, so the mother and the father's rights both have been terminated. Um, they're nowhere in the picture, never have been. Um, I'm the only family that she has that has fought for her for, from day one of her birth. Um, like I say, mom and dad is not in the picture. When she comes to ask questions, um, what do I say? Or do I let her have, um, a relationship with them? Um, and then also, um, how will she act? I mean, like, her feelings or I don't want her to run, uh, to them, you know, but I also want her to know them, but with the lifestyle that they live is not good. And she's only four. So, um, she hasn't asked anything, but, you know, just, what do I say? That's something that I deal with, um, that I'm really terrified of.

[Bonni]
Yeah. Uh, thank you, Melissa, thank you for, for sharing that. I'm sure that there's some, uh, some reflections at least of some of those feelings and fears and, and thoughts, um, and questions that, uh, reflect to a lot of people that are on this call. So I, I appreciate you, um, sharing that with us.
Yeah, I think, I think the first, um, the first thing that comes to my mind is whenever, it is always, um, a helpful experience for children to be able to ask the question, right? Just to be able to feel like they have a safe place, um, in their adoptive home, to be able to ask the questions, even if you are unable as a parent, to be able to answer all the questions. Um, so, so that's one. The kind of the foundational thing is creating a really safe environment in your home that, um, not only can the child say the words, but but your demeanor, your, your openness, your, um, empathy and compassion for the feelings of why they're asking the questions. There's a lot of layers to that, right? And that's probably the most foundational and most important thing you can do, is to create an environment of safe, open communication. "You can ask me any question about your bio-- biological family, your history, and I'm not going to shut it down. I'm not gonna be offended. I'm not gonna get mad if you ask those questions."
And then relating to potential connection and relationship, um, making those decisions, sometimes it is, uh, you know, a challenging thing. A a lot of times if it's safe and if it's a really, uh, it's possible to have any type of, um, semi-open connectedness relationship, being able to write letters to each other, email each other, um, with parent involved in that, and parent always kind of supervising, that's, that's an ideal situation where the child has that ability to, um, to link to and ask questions of biological family members. And when pa-- when adoptive parents are able to say, "I'm with you in that," then the adoptive parent is able to be a part of that. Um, sometimes we find whenever our kiddos are, um, you know, if, if, if it's not an open environment in the, in the adoptive home, then sometimes kiddos are so curious. And so trying to desperately wanting to learn some of this information that that can happen outside of the adoptive parents' knowledge and, and support. So the more open, connected and engaged you can be in that process, the better.
And then the last thing I'll say, and then I'll pass it back to you, Rabecca, is, um, I would love to support, so my role is the statewide coordinator of Adoption Preservation Services in Oklahoma. And I would love to support any family, any adoptive family who feels anxious about trying to navigate and manage, um, a relationship and semi-open relationship with the biological family. So we would love to be able to help, um, create a plan, uh, with you of what that might look like. So sometimes reaching out to an additional, like a therapist, our group, you know, something, someone who is able to help kind of mediate and manage some of that relationship, um, we would, we would be more than willing to help connect you, uh, in that way. So I'll put my, my email in the chat for anyone that would like to reach out and talk to me about how we could, um, support you in that. And Rabecca, thank you. I'll, I'll pass it back to you.

[Malissa]
Thank you.

[Rabecca]
Thank you so much, Dr. Goodwin. Uh, Ms. Blalock?

[LuShuna Blalock]
Um, um, Melissa, Ms. uh, Littlecreek, um, uh, this was, um, for you. Um, our family, of course, we're kinship, and so both parents are justice-involved, um, for a kinder word to apply. And so, um, we, um, we tried to make the decision early on, uh, not to, um, disclose that information because we didn't wanna, um, seem like we were competing. Um, however information did get out because of their histories and their ongoing histories. Um, it was actually the youngest one that saw a, a, a news item, um, on TV right after a visit, um, and said, you know, "Look, there goes so-and-so," um, and he at the time didn't know that that was his birth, um, it was his birth parent. And so, um, in trying to, um, close it off, um, we thought we were doing the best. We thought it was the best decision, but as the kids started going through school, um, we had, because of our differences in like our skin tones, um, we had, there were educators who would actually go through O-Scan and look up their parents and share information out. So we had to kind of meet it at the past, uh, uh, try to head off the sting by, um, trying to have those age appropriate conversations with them and involving, um, their counselors, uh, to help out. So I, I hope that information helps.

[Melissa]
Thank you so much. It does. Um, we do see a counselor, uh, we do family counseling because I have other children in my home, so, um, just, she doesn't really understand. She just knows I'm her mom and, um, just wanted to keep her safe. Um, but thank you, that does really help me.

[Rabecca]
And these are all great points that everyone is bringing up. And like Dr. Goodwin alluded to, um,

::Slide - Potential Benefits::

it's, you know, we live in the age of information, and so it is hard sometimes to control information in this, in this age of technology. So, um, the more open we can be, the better, because we don't want our adopted kiddos finding out information from sources that may not be as gracious or supportive as their parents. So I want to move to the next slide.
Um, potential benefits within building relationships with birth families. We've discussed some of the, the struggles and the challenges. Um, part of adoption adjustment is knowing your adoption story. And I put history in parentheses. Um, adoptees often answer the question, tell me your story by reciting the chronology of their lives based on accounts from their adoptive parents, memories and feelings. So I wanna talk a little bit about that because that can be a bit challenging. Um, one of the things that assists in building these relationships, um, is helping with adoptive placement stability. So I wanna talk a little bit about that. Relationships with birth families can help adoptive placement stability in several ways.
When adoptive parents agree to connect with safe members of the birth family, it shows the adopted child that where they come from matters. It can also assist with emotional security of the child within the adoptive family because they know where they came from, they have access to their story or their history, and they could possibly settle in and adjust easier within the adoptive family. And so, like Dr. Goodwin had shared, creating that openness plan to where even if it's not safe and appropriate to connect your adopted child with members of the birth family in that particular season, you're still showing an openness to having a conversation with them and or enlarged support system for the adoptive family. So one of the things that I wanna bring out with this slide is that a child can never have too many people who love and support them. And I'm gonna repeat that. A child can never have too many people who love and support them and want what's best for them. When an adopted child can maintain a safe connection with members of their family of origin, the family system has a greater village surrounding it. And this may assist the adoptive parents with parenting breaks as they need them. I've had several adoptive families who've connected with members of the birth family, such as grandparents or aunts or uncles that were safe and stable and appropriate, and they found within those connections a support system for themselves. So that's another benefit of building relationships with birth families.

::Slide - Can I Get A Connection?::

This next slide is about other ways that connections with birth family assist adopted placements and adopted children in adopted placements. So connections with birth families help adopted children preserve their family culture, their ethnicity, and their origin. So we talked about in the second slide, the cabbage patch analogy. And that's an analogy that I came up with because that's how I felt a lot as an adopted child. I was a, I am a transracial adoptee, so I am, uh, mixed with African American, Caucasian and Cherokee. And I was adopted into a full Caucasian family. And so it was very obvious, right, that it's like, "What part of this doesn't fit? That would be me." And so it's very obvious, right, that I wasn't born into that family. And so because we live in a society that's curious, it, it opened the door for people to ask questions like, "Well, where did you come from? Are those your real parents?" You know, those are the types of questions that transracial adoptees are faced with on a daily basis. And a lot of times they're faced with those questions from their peer groups that are not so kind when they approach those, those topics. So connections with birth families help adopted children preserve their family culture, their ethnicity and their origin.
Connections with birth families also help adopted children learn important medical and hereditary and genetic information. So a little bit of personal disclosure, I did not connect with my family of origin until I was 28 years old. And so I went through the first 10 years of being an adult with not being an able to answer a lot of medical questions when I went to doctor's appointments. And they would say, you know, "Do you have a family history of cancer?" Well, I don't know. And it can be disheartening to have to answer questions like that when you're at doctor's appointments and because you don't know your medical history. So connections with birth families also help adoptive children learn important medical and hereditary and genetic information because as we know, so much physical health and mental health, there are genetic components and aspects to that. And so if you know from where you came, then you're better prepared as to what you might need to, um, get a head start on. You know, as far as preventative healthcare. 
Connections with birth families help children understand the reasons behind their adoption. Adopted kids ask "Why" a lot. "Why did it have to be this way?" You know, "Why wasn't I able to stay with my parents?" And by maintaining those connections with birth families, adopted children get some of those questions answered. Maintaining important connections to the child's family of origin may help minimize feelings of grief and loss, separation, and even isolation within an adoptive family. Connections with birth families may help adopted children feel a sense of belonging as well. 
So I want to, at this point in my presentation, I have a special guest with me, um, Abby. And Abby is a foster and adoptive parent. And so one of my questions in my guided group discussion is, what are some tangible ways that maintaining a connection with the birth family may help an adopted child preserve their culture and ethnicity? So I wanna call on Abby at this point to give us some tangible ways that adopted families can help maintain this connection with birth families.

[Abby Philipo]
Thanks, Rabecca. As she said, I'm Abby Philipo. I'm a foster and adoptive mom. I also work at the Department of Human Services as an Adoption Specialist. Um, I have a 4-year-old who has been adopted for the last two years who was placed with me at four months old. And I have a 10-year-old who is not yet adopted but will be soon, um, who is a non-relative kinship placement.
So, um, I started my journey as a traditional foster parent, had no idea what I was getting myself into. Um, not that anyone can possibly understand it until they go through it. Um, but I started day one, journaling for my child and writing, um, everything that I knew about his birth family. So birth mom would say this story about her dad, who unfortunately passed away before, um, baby was born. And I'd write it down because I thought, "Well, even when he goes home," 'cause I was so sure he was going home, "he'll have these stories. Um, so that if mom doesn't remember them or doesn't think about how important they are, they will travel with him. That is just a spiral bound notebook. Um, I've written the names of every relative that I know of, um, because we don't have connections to all of his family stories. His mom told me stories. His grandma told me, um, where his name came from. And then a little bit about why his name changed at adoption because it was a safety issue. Um, but I have this journal full of information that when he's old enough will tell him a lot of things that I'm probably gonna forget between now and then. 
Um, I also created him an email address and handed that out to everyone that had ever been connected to him. His CASA has it, his biological grandma has it, his bio mom has it. Um, bio dad was never in the picture, but he would've been able to have access to it as well. Um, and I have encouraged them. Hey, if you have pictures of him, this is his email, and he will have that for the rest of his life. I have saved the password in his adoption journal. Um, one day he will be able to open his Gmail and see just how deeply he has been loved from day one. Um, which was really, really important to me. It was important that my, my child, both of my children, know that they were not adopted because they weren't loved. Um, that is never ever the case with our kids, as we all know. Um, you can also create digital photo albums. Google has, um, a really great way to share photo albums between email addresses, um, because we have an email, we haven't done that, but I have with former foster children.
Um, one thing that I really wanna point out is that there are different levels of connection. Um, right now it isn't necessarily super safe for my child to have bio mom in his life, but she and I text. And she texts me at least once a week and says, "How's he doing?" And I say, you know, "Here's what's going on with him. He learned how to spell his name this week." And just that little bit of connection, the day that it becomes safe, which I, I very much believe that it will at some point, she will be, have the door open on her side, and all he has to do is walk through it. Um, but there are different levels to that. We don't have visits with her because it's not safe right now. She and I text, we have phone calls. Um, his aunt and I are friends on social media. His aunt is a very appropriate, safe person, as is his grandma. Um, we got invited to cousins birthday parties. We got to go to a few of those. We've planned special park days where, um, even if you're not at the level of comfort where they can come to your home, we can meet at the park, like, "Come watch him play. Let's blow bubbles. Let's play in the sprinklers." Um, you can, you can create this connection at a level that is safe and comfortable for your family. That is also appropriate and leaves the door for more when that time comes. 
Um, we also had the privilege of passing some of his hand-me-downs on to his baby cousin. Um, when we took his nursery down and gave him his big boy bed, his crib got to go to his brand new baby cousin. So that part of his childhood gets to live in their bio, in his bio family as a legacy. And it's been handed down, I think it's on third baby cousin since my child has slept in that bed. Um, so even though that's something super, super small, it's a way that he gets to be a part of their legacy someday, he'll get to tell baby cousin like, "Hey, I know where your nursery came from." Um, 'cause we have pictures of all of those things.
And then I think, um, one thing also that I really wanna point out is if you keep that door open, your child gets to be the one to choose whether to walk through it or not. Um, my 10-year-old at this time has no desire to have contact with bio family. And the discussion that was had on that end of it was, "Hey, I'm going to keep their contact information for you so that if the time comes that you want to have it, you have the ability to reach out." Um, my child respectfully asked that I not maintain that ongoing conversation the way that I do with my son's family. And that was an easy yes. "Yes, I absolutely will not do that. I understand that it makes you uncomfortable. Again, I'm gonna keep their contact information for you so that if the day comes that you have questions, I can't answer, you have the ability to contact someone." 
Um, because foster children, and this makes me feel very emotional, I'm sorry. Um, foster children have all their power stripped away from them. We tell them where they're gonna live, who they're gonna live with, what they can do, what they can't. If they can have sleepovers, if they can play sports, every aspect of their life is detailed out for them in a way that they have very, very little control over. And one way that we can give them their power back is to respect their wishes when it comes to that contact and to maintain the ability for them to have it at a level that's comfortable to them as it's age appropriate. Um, my child who is soon to be adopted is processing a lot of big emotions right now. And I think that once we get past some of those big emotions, there are gonna be more questions and there are gonna be questions that I can't answer. And then that child is gonna be ready and say, "Hey, it's time I need to know." Um, and they have a right to their history. 
So all of that said, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Foster care is difficult. Adoption is difficult. Maintaining connections with bio family, especially bio parents at times, is the hardest thing I've ever done. Um, my kiddos came into custody for really very heinous reasons, not that children ever come into custody for reasons that aren't heinous. Um, and I think that it's important to acknowledge your own feelings about it and know that it is okay to have those feelings. It's okay to process them, um, and still choose what's best for your child. Anyway. So that is all I have. Thank you for inviting me, Rabecca.

[Rabecca]
Thank you so much for speaking. I really appreciate your insight and your wisdom as someone who's walking this journey right now. Um, and I really appreciated the fact that you, in your, in your commentary, you separated your feelings as an adoptive parent from your child's feelings, because I think that's a very crucial thing to allowing an adopted child to express where they're at, is to separate your feelings and not put those on your child's feelings. And as Dr. Goodwin suggested, all of this needs to be walked through with a therapist and with an adoption competent therapist, with mental health clinicians who are trained to assist families in dealing and navigating with these challenging dynamics. Because everyone comes to the table with their own feelings about, um, the circumstances, about the family of origin, about the adoptive family. The child is torn between these families. And so I would never suggest navigating these waters outside of therapy. Um, so let's look at the, this next slide.

::Slide - Building Blocks of Connection::

Um, building blocks of connection. And several of you, Ms. Blalock, Dr. Goodwin, Melissa, Abby that have spoken, Barbara, you've already alluded to some of this. Um, here's some building blocks that I would suggest for you to take with you as professionals, as foster parents, adoptive parents. The first one is make decisions that are based on what is best for your child and not what is most comfortable for you. Make decisions that are based on what is best for your child and not what is most comfortable for you. That's a really crucial building block. And I would highly encourage foster parents and adoptive parents not only to participate in family therapy, but to go to individual therapy and be able to have a safe place to unpack your feelings about maintaining these safe connections for your kids.
The next building block is that your child should not be made to feel like they have to choose families. We talked about divided loyalties, and that's exactly what that is. Well, you know, if you love your birth mom, then that means you don't love me. Well, that's not accurate, and children should never bear that type of burden. They should be able to feel safe and comfortable to love everyone in their family, both their adoptive family and their birth family.
The third building block I wanna share, that Abby touched on, is to keep and share pictures of your child's birth family, such as memory, books and stories. The fourth building block is to involve the child's birth family in your family traditions and your holidays. When you have members of the safe, uh, when you have safe members of the birth family, um, there's no reason not to include them in holidays and to send pictures and exchange pictures or, or meet at a restaurant and have dinner, um, take the kids to a child-friendly place.
The next building block is the reminder that we've already touched on, which is technology provides many opportunities for connection. And as it was stated by Ms. Blalock, we can't control technology. And so sometimes our kids are gonna find out information about their family of origin outside of us as the adoptive parents, and that may not be the best way for them to find it out. So creating that openness plan is crucial so that your kids are getting that information from you as the safe person in their life.
And the last building block and reminder that I wanna put out there is do not speak negatively about your child's birth family. This is crucial, and this is why I encourage adoptive families to participate in individual therapy so that you have a safe space to share those negative feelings that you have or those thoughts and emotions and those fears that you have with a therapist. Because when you speak negatively about your child's birth family, especially within earshot of your child, your child is part of their birth family. And so they internalize those negative feelings that you have about their birth family and their thoughts become, "Well, you know, if my mom thinks that my bio dad was just a deadbeat that can't do anything, right? I'm part of bio dad, so does that also make me a deadbeat?" You see where that thought process goes, and it could be very unhealthy for adopted children to hear negative narratives from their adoptive family about their family of origin. And this last slide that I want to share with you guys before we open the floor for, uh, comments

::Slide - Recommended Resources::

or questions is some recommended resources that I pulled together that I wanted to share with you all. Um, the first one is from the National Council for Adoption, and I've shared links on there so that you can click on that link and get some resources from that site. There was another resource I found entitled "Helping Children and Youth Maintain Relationships With Birth Families," and that's a resource from childwelfare.gov. The third resource is Center for Adoption Support and Education. The fourth resource I put on there is Measuring Relational Permanence. And this is a Youth Connection Scale. And then the fifth resource I put on there is called "America Adopts, how Open Adoption Builds Bridges to Healing." And so those are some sources I wanted to, to have you take away from here so that you can spend some time educating yourself on this topic and get and pulling together some of those, those resources. Um, Dr. Goodwin, I wanna put you on the spot one more time. I know you have additional resources that are in your back pocket waiting to share. And so what did I miss? And please share the goodness that you have.

[Bonni]
[laughs] Rabecca. That's funny. I was just, uh, getting ready to put stuff in the chat, so thank you for, for letting me, um, unmute. I, we do have a, um, a website in the chat earlier I had put a link to support group information. Um, there's also, it's on the OKFosters page all the way on the right on the top. It has Post Adoption. There's a ton of things. There's resources, there's book lists, uh, support group information, curriculum to start your own support group. 
Um, and also thank you, Carlie. I see you just put, put it, uh, in the chat again. Um, that's specifically the one on support groups, but there's a whole lot to look through there, including our ongoing informa-- webinars, these Lunch and Learn webinars, we do about two a month. Um, we also have an outreach team that you can call and we have all, I think every one of our outreach people are on this meeting. So, um, Carlie, I don't know if you wanna drop an email address or anything in the chat, if anyone wants to read the outreach-- reach the outreach team. 
And finally, the last thing I wanna share is that we do have a post-adoption specialized, um, clinical team. So we do have some, um, specific resources for our families who've adopted from Child Welfare to receive, uh, in-home clinical services. So therapy, uh, with your family, we can, we have a team that goes across the state and we are able to provide therapeutic services as well. So if you are interested and feel like that might be a helpful thing for you and your family here in Oklahoma, reach out to me. Reach out to the, uh, outreach team. Carlie just put that email address in the chat, let us know, um, how we can support you. We're, we're starting, we're still building a lot of things here in Oklahoma. We don't have enough yet, but we're working on it and, um, and it's growing. So please let us know, uh, how, how else we can help you and what, how we can connect you with what we're doing here in Oklahoma. Thanks, Rabecca.

[Rabecca]
Thank you Dr. Goodwin. Um, as we're wrapping up our time together, are there any thoughts or questions, um, from anyone that I did not get to? I'm not able to view the chat from where I sit, so, um, if anyone's monitoring the chat and there's anything I missed, please unmute and speak up.

[Bonni]
Rabecca, it looks like you have a question that's a really good one. Um, [reading] "What needs to be the role of state authorities in the community in increasing birth family connections among adopted children?" Um, I, I don't know if you have something that you wanna share, I'll just throw something out there and then, and then you can respond as well.
Um, I think, uh, that's a great question and, and that's kind of what I was mentioning earlier, back in response to Melissa's, uh, question about, uh, at the beginning of this time. I, I really believe that, that we as, um, state and community support can, can help, um, facilitate and manage and even mediate some of the, the potential connections when people are anxious. Um, when there are some safety concerns. I, there's other, um, for example, being kind of similar to like the family visitation that we do when a child is in foster care. Not exactly the same, not the same purposes, but, but something where we can facilitate and support families who are, um, hoping to build some of those connections with some mediated visits. Um, our our clinical team that I was just mentioning to you would be more than willing to, to, to help manage situations like that where you feel like it's important. Your child is asking a lot of questions, wanting to connect, wanting to learn more about who they are. Um, and you really, and you believe that it would be important to start this connection with biological family, but you're not sure how to do it. You're anxious about managing it. Um, we can support you in that. 
And that's, that's one of the things that I think would be needs to increase is the way that, that we as, um, the agency and professionals are able to support families and bio families and being able to, to have more of this connection, increase it, um, in a safe and manageable, manageable way. So that's my thoughts.

[Rabecca]
And we do have, um, if you've adopted from Oklahoma Human Services and, uh, contact your post-adoption specialist, we do have what's called the Confidential Intermediary Registry that you can ask your, uh, post-adoption specialist about. And that's, uh, a registry where birth families can get on and register themselves that wish to have contact with, uh, their adopted children down the road. Um, but I would make post-adoptions your contact for that information.
Is there any other questions that I missed? 

[Caitlynn]
Um, Katie McDaniel had one, um, looks like Carlie answered something for her, but if you wanted to give input as well, it looks like she asked, "Would you say that there are many of the same applicable concepts, benefits for children when considering maintaining connections with any safe and healthy former foster families, which, with which they may have lived?"

[Rabecca]
Okay. Repeat the last part, Caitlynn, if you don't mind.

[Caitlynn]
Um, do you... Okay, "Maintaining connections with any safe and healthy former fam, foster families with which they may have lived, do any of these concepts or benefits apply?"

[Rabecca]
I would say that they absolutely apply. I, um, one of the, one of the resources on here is Measuring Relational Permanence, and it's a Youth Connection Scale. And so it's basically where we ask the child or the youth, who are the important people in your life? And that can be members of the birth family, that can be former foster placements, CASA workers, therapists, a tribal worker. Whenever I used to work with youth in the system, ages 14 to 21, I completed the Youth Permanence Scale with, with quite a few teenagers. And because I wanted to see that list, they, they had their list of people who were important to them. And the list of people who were important ranged anywhere from a former foster parent to a CASA worker, to a former therapist. I had youth that said, uh, Mr. Joe in the group home is an important connection for me. And so it's important for us to listen to the voice of our children and let them guide us some when it comes to who the important people in their lives are ut I think all of this applies to maintaining those important connections both with birth family, with former placement providers, and anyone that, that that child shares, uh, some type of connection with.

[Caitlynn]
Awesome. Well, thank you so much Ms. Rabecca for everything that you've shared for us today. We really appreciate it and it looks like there was a lot of good conversation from families that had a bunch of related feelings to this as well. And we just wanna thank everyone else for joining us today. In the chat you'll find a QR code that will take you to the Adoption Competency page on OKFosters.org. There you can find resources and links to our next events that are wrapped around supporting adoptive families. If you are needing a training certificate, go ahead

::Attendees visible::

and let us know and we'll email you that shortly. And please complete the survey, um, with the link that's provided in the chat as well over this session. And once again, thank you Rabecca, so much for today.

[Rabecca]
Thank you.

[Carlie]
Just a reminder, if you are wanting a certificate, we will need your email address in the chat. Thank you.

::Silence as CE Slideshow from start of video is repeated::