00:00:00-00:00:23 - Silence with a rotating slide deck that reads: Anne & Henry Zarrow School of Social Work Continuing Education The University of Oklahoma Keys to Connection: Building Stronger Bonds Sierra McClendon (LCSW) and Taryn Montenegro (OUSWK MSW Student) Tuesday, April 23rd, 2024 | 12:00pm-1:00pm CST Thank you for joining us today. Please take a few moments to ensure that your microphone is muted. This continuing education event will be recorded. We want to know your thoughts! Please use the link or scan the QR code to complete a short, online evaluation. https://bit.ly/3TLFfsT For those seeking CE Credits Please include your FULL NAME in your Zoom Profile Account Name to ensure that your attendance is verified. No certificates will be issued without verified attendance. To change your Zoom Profile Account, please visit: https://bit.ly/3wJoeaU Continuing Education Certificates CE Certificates will be available for download within 12-14 business days from completion of Post-Event Evaluation Survey. Today's Session Will be Recorded Copies of the recording and presentation materials will be available on the Resource Database at the link below. Resource Database: https://bit.ly/3PJXi1a ALL LINKS & INFORMATION WILL BE PROVIDED IN A POST-EVENT FOLLOW-UP EMAIL. This continuing education event will be recorded. [Sierra McClendon] Thank you to everyone who has joined already. As you can see, a few people have already posted into the chat their name, um, whether they're professional, adoptive, foster parent, whatever you'd kind of like to share. We can use that for any of the certificates at the end as well. And we'll get started right at 12 and give everyone a few minutes to log in. ::Silence until 00:02:34. Slides stop, camera shows speaker until otherwise noted.:: [Bonni Goodwin] All right. Welcome everyone. Welcome to, um, one of our, um, Lunch and Learn webinars that is a part of what we offer through OU Continuing Education and also through the Center for Adoption and Family Wellbeing, um, in conjunction with our post-adoption outreach, uh, through DHS. So we are so grateful you're here. I see we've got lots of parents and lots of professionals on here. I'm sure more people will continue to hop on. Um, in, in the chat if you could, um, again, let us know who you are, but also if you wanna include your email. That way we can follow up, um, with any type of, um, information that you need. Also, we can add your email to our events as we continue to plan some more events for, um, adoptees and adoptive families and professionals. Uh, we can keep you up to date on those and let you know. Also, if you are needing, if you are a parent and you are needing a certificate of attendance for today, uh, please let us know that in the chat and we will, we will make note of that, um, and get that to you afterwards. So, um, today we have got Sierra McClendon, our Clinical Program Manager within the Center, and Taryn Montenegro, who is a, uh, MSW student, just about to complete for her, uh, schooling. ::Camera cuts to Sierra, who nods and claps.:: [Bonni] And this is one of her final projects. So I'm very excited. I know she, she has some excellent information, both of them do, to share with you today, um, about building stronger bonds. So I'm gonna go ahead and turn it over to you guys. [Sierra] Fantastic, thanks Bonni. So, as Bonni said, I am also with the Center for Adoption and Family Wellbeing. I am the Adoption Support Clinical Program Manager, which is kind of a long term, but it is a fantastic position and it is awesome that we get to do these Lunch and Learns. So this is my first Lunch and Learn. And so Taryn and I decided to team up together and tackle this really fun, um, workshop that we've discovered, created that really tries to give you some actual tangible activities to do, a little bit of some background, and it mixes it all. So we really encourage you to participate. If you are able to turn your camera on so we can see faces, kind of build some connection, that would be fantastic. Oh, perfect. I'm seeing some start. Great. I am going to let Taryn introduce herself while I pull up our presentation. [Taryn Montenegro] Hi, um, my name is Taryn Montenegro. I am, um, an MSW student, um, for the School of Social Work. Um, my background is in child welfare, um, as a Permanency Planning Worker and then, um, as a CPS worker. And so, um, as I finish my, um, degree, I'll be going back to CPS, um, but I am really excited to be here. I'm excited to, um, let you guys know what we've been, uh, learning about and, um, and we also have some very helpful info. [Sierra] Awesome, thank you Taryn. Sorry, I am now having a little bit of a technical dif-- difficulty to of course, get my slide to pull up. Give me one second. I apologize. See if I can get it this way. Okay. We are just gonna go on a journey together here. ::Sierra shares her screen and pulls up the title slide for the presentation. New slide: What is attachment and bonding?:: [Sierra] There we go. Alright, can everybody see? Fantastic. Alright. Thank you for, for bearing with us in those, those technical difficulties. So our presentation, keys to connection, building stronger bonds, we first wanted to start by talking about what is attachment, what is bonding? So whenever we kind of say those words, attachment, bonding, are there any people that come to mind for anyone? You're welcome to put that into the chat to, um, unmute if you'd like. Whatever you're able to do is best. But if there's anyone that kind of comes to your mind, you don't necessarily have to say the person. You can also just put that in there. But for me, it's probably someone that I have a deep emotional connection with. Probably most of you as well. It may be a friend or a coworker, it could be a parent. When we think about attachment and bonding, it is often described as a parent-child relationship, but can go beyond that. Um, not always does it have to be a parent-child. There are many friends that we talk about that are family, right? And those are very close bonds. And so attachment and bonding is really just that safeness and that security with another person. You have a shared connection, and I'm gonna pass it to Taryn who's gonna dive a little bit deeper into what does that look like? ::Slide: What is attachment?:: [Taryn] So we're gonna start by defining attachment. It is, um, these are a couple of definitions I'm just gonna read. Uh, "reciprocal, enduring, emotional and physical, um, affiliation between a child and a caregiver." "Attachment is a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings." Um, and so attachment is, um, I don't know if you hear a lot about this, but TikTok is really big on talking about attachment styles and things like that. And, um, all it's, it's really, um, kind of this new topic that's being, um, discussed. Although it is, and it's really important topic, it is, um, it's a, it's the kind of like what they consider the blueprint to your, to a human's relationships, to how they perceive the world around them. Um, and this starts, um, this starts in the womb, but it's gonna start once, um, really it's gonna start with the child and caregiver once that baby is first born. Um, and so attachment in, um, the, like the first two weeks, whenever that baby is bonding and getting their needs met by their caregiver, those first two weeks, um, scientifically are shown to be the most important two weeks of their life. It builds -- because not only are they, um, forming this attachment, that attachment is also, um, forming and helping them develop, helping their neurological system develop and things like that. Um, it's going to go into their felt sense of safety. And so all of those things are, um, super, super important those first two weeks of life. Not saying it's not important afterwards, it is very important, but there, there's a lot of research showing that getting that the getting that intensive care, those needs met in those first two weeks can really do a lot to, um, support that, that child throughout the rest of their life. And then the next slide. ::Slide: Why is attachment important?:: [Taryn] Um, so why is attachment important, important? Attachment is widely considered the foundation of child development. Um, how a child attaches to their primary caregiver, it will impact, um, their mental health outcomes. It will impact, impact their health outcomes moving forward. Um, it also is like the blueprint for all future relationships moving forward. Um, it is how they learn to see themselves. It is how they learn to see the world around them, how they view the world, whether they're getting their needs met, are they viewing the world in a positive sense? If they're not getting their needs met, then they view it in a more negative sense. Um, and so attachment is really kind of communicating to that child everything about their world that they need to be prepared for. Um, but a secure attachment, it is formed when the parent, um, or caregiver is consistently attuned to the child's needs. So parents who are not attuned or sensitive to the child's needs, um, it can, it will cause the child stress. And so babies experience stress and, um, have, you know, they secrete cortisol whenever their stress goes up. And as the parent is attuning to that child's needs, whether it be feeding them, changing their diaper, um, coddling them to sleep, just all of those things and then, and actually responding in a quick manner because you're sending that message that, "Hey, I'm here for you." And that baby isn't longing or waiting or kind of scared as to, "Is someone going to, you know, is someone going to take care of me?" They have that consistent knowledge of knowing that "My caregiver is there." And then that is also allowing your child or allowing this baby to grow, um, in a like, healthy, safe environment. And it's allowing their nervous system to develop in a healthy way. And their brain is also forming these, these neurotransmitters are forming and they're sending all of these different messages and this baby's brain is learning. Um, "Well, when I make this sound, when I do this, my caregiver is safe and they're responding to my needs." And so it just creates an all-around better environment for that baby from the beginning. You can go to the next slide. ::Slide: Attachment is a primary means by which an infant down-regulates stress.:: [Taryn] So, um, Dr. Leslie Atkinson, he does a lot of, um, attachment work and he, uh, he says, "Attachment is a primary means by which an infant, um, can down-regulate stress." And so, um, his point is that infants are gonna experience stress and as, um, those attachments form and a secure, if a secure attachment is forming, um, as that secure attachment forms, that's how they learn to manage their own stress and their own, um, um, uncomfortableness is how it is modeled to them by their caregiver. Okay, you can go to the next slide. ::Slide: Bowlby's view on attachment Attachment is an intrinsic emotional need. This need extends further than the needs for an infant to be fed.:: [Taryn] Okay. So I have a video for you, I saw someone put it in chat, when we asked what you think about attachment, someone put Bowlby and yes, he is, um, like, you know, one of the founding fathers of attachment theory. Um, but here's just a short video to explain, um, what attachment is and kind of what it looks like. [Video plays] ::Animation of a mother and baby playing blocks on the living room floor. [Narrator] Attachment refers to a deep and enduring emotional bond that develops between a child and a primary caregiver. ::Animation of baby laying in crib with mother smiling over it.:: [Narrator] Babies are born seeking attachment because of a deeply instinctive need to survive. ::Animation of a little girl crying on the ground, holding a scraped up knee. Zoom out to see her father sitting with her and comforting her.:: [Narrator] The central theme of attachment theory is that primary caregivers who are consistently reliable and responsive to a child's needs allow the child to develop a secure attachment. ::Animation of a child sitting on the floor with his knees drawn up to his chest. He looks worried, and is surrounded by a red outline to emphasize his emotional state. His father is laying on the couch, watching tv, not paying attention to the child, and smoking. Several beer bottles are scattered on the floor.:: [Narrator] Life can be difficult for children who have not had their attachment needs met. ::Animation of a father soothing a crying infant.:: [Narrator] Whether you're caring for babies or older children, it is never too late to provide consistent, reliable responses to support a child's sense of safety and security in the future. ::Animation of a father sitting on the floor, reading to a baby boy. Toys are scattered on the floor around them.:: [Narrator] Decades of attachment research show that children who have a secure attachment with at least one adult in their life ::Animation of the same boy, a little older and riding a bike:: [Narrator] enjoy greater overall health, ::Animation of the boy sitting at a desk in school, waving his arm above his head to answer a question.:: [Narrator] do better in school, ::Animation of the boy, now grown up, walking outside with a woman. Both are smiling.:: [Narrator] and go on to have more fulfilling and enduring relationships throughout life. ::Animated portraits of a mother and child appear. A connection is drawn between the portraits that reads "Secure." As the narrator reads the four S's, they appear on the screen below the portraits.:: [Narrator] According to Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson, a secure attachment forms naturally when a parent or other primary caregiver helps the child feel the four S's: Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. ::Portrait of the child moves to the center of the screen. The words "physical," "emotional," and "relational" appear around the portrait. [Narrator] Children feel safe when their physical, emotional, and relational needs are met. ::Drawing of a brain appears with a lock over it.:: [Narrator] Safety is an expectation coded deep within children's brains. ::Animation of the boy whose father was drinking, smoking, and ignoring him in the earlier scene walking through hallways at school, looking worried. In the area of his brain, red dots float around to indicate stress. He stops walking, and red exclamation points appear in front of him. He approaches an adult, who is holding a book and smiling down at him. [Narrator] Attachment influences how a child's brain is structured and how many stress hormones their body releases. When under stress, children instinctively go into survival mode and seek the attention of someone who can provide them with the care they need. ::Animation of the same boy looking at a playground. The red dots are still bouncing around in his head, and thought bubbles appear over him that read, "I can't trust anyone. I'm scared and I don't feel safe." [Narrator] Children who constantly feel unsafe remain hypervigilant and may begin to perceive the world as a dangerous place. ::Animation of a young girl sitting on the couch, talking to her father. She seems upset, and he is listening intently.:: [Narrator] To make a child feel seen is to pay attention to their emotions, both positive and negative, and to strive to understand what's beneath their behavior. ::Animation of a crying baby with a thought bubble containing a frowning face. The face disappears and the thought bubble is filled with large question marks.:: [Narrator] We tend to view babies as little humans who know what they need, but simply lack the language to express it. In reality, babies have no clarity about what they're feeling or needing. ::Animation of the father soothing a crying infant from earlier in the video. Zoom in to the father, who makes eye contact with the baby and a thought bubble appears above him that says, "I'm here with you." [Narrator] When babies get distressed and you gaze into their eyes and figure out what they need, who are telling the baby, I'm here with you. As the child's needs are consistently met, they learn that their emotions are natural, acceptable and shareable. ::Animation of a little boy, looking angry and crossing his arms, talking to his mother as she kneels on the floor beside him. She listens intently to him and nods occasionally, then places a hand on his shoulder and speaks to him calmly to help soothe him.:: [Narrator] A soothed child knows they can safely express their needs. Soothing does not mean providing a life of ease. Your job as a caregiver is to help them develop the tools and emotional resilience they need to weather life's challenges, and then to walk beside them. ::Animation of the same little boy, smiling and embracing his mother, who hugs him back. In his mind, purple stars appear and develop lines between them, representing positive neural connections forming in the boy's brain.:: [Narrator] Feeling safe, seen and soothed leads to the fourth S: Security, which is based on predictability. Your reliable presence impacts the neural connections in the child's brain, creating positive expectations about the way the world works. ::Video slide reading: Early years resources BCFPA:: [video ends] ::Slide: Characteristics of Attachment:: [Taryn] Okay, so, um, I'm gonna talk a little bit about what does, um, secure attachment look like? What does that attachment? Um, it is, it is a process. It's something that happens over time. So these are four characteristics of what attachment or secure attachment looks like. One is proximity ma-- proximity maintenance, uh, the other is secure base, uh, safe haven. And then the last one is separation distress. And we'll go to the next slide. I can explain a little bit more detail as to which, what those are and what they look like. ::Slide: What do those attachment characteristics look like?:: [Taryn] So proximity maintenance, a child wanting to be near, um, their attachment figure. Um, this, you see, I mean, you can see this at the playground. When you have your kiddo, um, in a new place or just in a public space, um, they're wanting to stay near you, um, because you are safe to them. Um, that is a sign of positive, or like a secure attachment. Um, although it can be be kind of annoying or frustrating, maybe you want your child to, um, go out and be social and give you a break. [laughs] Um, um, but that is, um, a great sign that they are finding that they are wanting to be near you. And when they're uncertain, you are their certainty. Um, a secure base. And this, they all kind of go together. And you can see why. Secure base, it's when a child can, um, explore their surroundings. Um, but they can always come back to their, um, their caregiver for safety. Um, and that looks like a child maybe coming back to their parent, um, at the playground to check in, or maybe they have a boo-boo or, um, they want a drink or they just want a hug and be reminded that you are there and you love them. Um, that is what a secure base looks like. Um, safe haven, uh, this is a child, uh, returning -- sorry, I keep clicking on -- a child returning to their attachment figure for care and comfort. And so, um, this kind of ties into what that secure base also looks like. Um, when they know, sometimes when you get children who come into custody, um, they don't have, they don't, they didn't have a safe haven. So you see that they are shy about receiving any type of comfort or they will reject it. Um, and this is, I know it can be discouraging and frustrating and I've seen it as a permanency planning worker with kiddos coming into custody. And I do know over time, as long as the caregiver is consistent with providing, um, that connection and that support, children are more than capable, uh, and they're very resilient. They can learn to, um, have that secure attachment to you and be able to, um, use their parent as their safe haven, even if they didn't have one in their home of origin. And separation distress, and this one surprises, surprises people a lot. Separation is when, you know, the child gets distressed when the caregiver is absent or leaves, um, when you drop a child off at daycare and they cry, um, it seems kind of frustrating and, um, difficult and it might break your heart. Um, but that's actually a good sign. Um, and, um, Dr. Goodwin made a really, she actually gave me this example when I was getting my BSW, but when she would drop her daughter off at daycare as she was studying attachment in her PhD program, um, she would say as her daughter would cry, she's like, "This is normal. I'm going to, um, you know, just have the care, have the, the child caregiver, um, hold her and comfort her as she, you know, is distressed over her primary caretaker leaving because all of that is normal." The child is gonna be fine. She will, she or he will, um, will recover and move on with their day. But that is a completely normal, um, behavior for a child to have, have in a secure attachment. Okay, I can go to the next slide. ::Slide: Adopted Children and Attachment:: [Taryn] So what does attachment look like with, um, children who are in foster care or adoption? Um, they're more likely to have an insecure or disorganized attachment. I do want to preface, this is not a diagnosis, this is just an attachment style. Um, we, I, Dr. Goodwin had made a really good point yesterday that in our DSM-V, which is the diagnosis, the diagnosis book that we use, that everyone uses, um, there's only two, um, diagnoses for attachment disorders. One is RAD, which is Reactive Attachment Disorder, which is very extreme and, and it's, is more rare than it seems to be diagnosed. It seems to be kind of handed out a little bit more than, um, what is believed to be necessary. Um, but I, there's still a lot of research on that. And then the other one is, um, Indiscriminate Attachment. Just because a child has an indiscriminate friendly demeanor doesn't mean that they have an attachment disorder. Again, it's a spectrum. And so when there's an extreme, yes, you can look into, um, maybe there is something diagnosable, but most kids are not gonna be, um, in that extreme. They're going to be in that middle realm. Well, yes, their attachment, um, disorder -- or their disorganized or insecure attachment. And there's a little bit of a difference between insecure is kind of the umbrella term for all attachment issues that are not secure. Disorganized is more of a specific type of attachment within insecure attachment. Disorganized attachment comes more from fear, like a fear-based, um, parental style. Say a parent, um, responds to a child, um, out of anger when they're, when they're needing to get their needs met. Like even say a child's throwing a fit and a parent responds by raging and, um, kind of escalating the situation, that can create disorganized attachment because the child is, doesn't understand, are you safe? Are you not safe? And so that can, but there is more, um, children who do come into custody with a disorganized type of attachment. Um, problematic parent child relationship. So children with attachment issues, they have problems with, um, the type of relationship and bonding that you would have with a primary caregiver. And it's obvious why. Um, and that is just unfortunately a symptom of that. It is also something that can be worked on. So, um, even children who, and I found this interesting, even children who are adopted at a younger age, they will show similar levels of disorganized attachment. And I think that really speaks to what we're learning is that at that very, very beginning as that, right as that child was born, those weeks and months in that first, you know, even year, are incredibly crucial and important to that child's overall development and wellbeing moving forward. Okay, I can go to the next slide. ::Slide: Building Attachment with your foster or adopted youth:: [Taryn] Um, so when we are discussing, you know, working on an attachment, building an attachment with your foster or adopted child, um, what does that look like? And what, where, where do you start? And so the first thing I suggest is that you as the parent assess your own attachment style. Um, how do you form attachments with other people and, um, and how do you, um, you know, how are you able to maintain those? And so this, and, and one thing that people maybe don't always know is that anyone can have an insecure attachment. You can be born in a family, be raised by both of your biological parents and still develop an insecure attachment. Um, so it's, you know, people function all the time with insecure attachment. And so it's a really great way just to self-reflect and look at your own experiences growing up. And also it's, it's a great healing experience as well if you, if you need it. Um, the other one is attuning to your child's verbal and nonverbal needs. Um, and this is a really, um, great start, even when your child is, um, upset and has, is having a big, you know, maybe a big fit. And it's, it's exhausting and it's painful and it's triggering and you can start to shut down. This is actually one of those times you're gonna wanna push through and attune to your child. 'Cause at that time, your child is saying, "I need your help." And that is when you are able, you know, you're gonna wanna try to stay calm, breathe with them, and then once you stay regulated, you're showing them how to regulate. And then that is where as you both regulate together, that is also where that attachment, that secure attachment can form. We do have here, this is a attachment style quiz. It is just a quick quiz, um, that you can take. It is in the, um, chat, I believe. Is that correct, Dr. Goodwin? Okay, so it is in the chat. I'm gonna say this very quickly as I have a short amount of time. Another piece, um, on this that I wanted to talk about is, whenever you're assessing your own attachment style, there is, um, this phenomenon called blocked care. Um, and I learned about it recently and I think it's a really great thing for every parent to know about. But it is something that happens to parents when they're parenting, whether they're parenting a biological child, an adopted child, a foster child, um, they can experience something called blocked care, which is when something is triggering about you parenting that child. It could be something triggering with that child specifically, or it could be something more broad than that, but it is when you basically, your nervous system just kind of shuts down and you've stopped feeling, you've stopped feeling a connection, and you stop feeling connected to that child. It's almost like you lose like this nurturing ability and things, and it just all just seems to shut down. And it might be scary and we might react negatively in that moment because we've lost our skills to parent in that moment. Um, but that is something to also consider if you've ever run into that problem, that that's your body saying, "Hey, I need you to check in with me. Hey, we're not okay right now." And that is a great moment for you to step aside and regulate yourself before you can regulate, um, the child or regulate the situation because that is, um, a sign that you need some help and that your body is needing, um, you, you need to check in. So, um, that's something I thought was very interesting. [Bonni] Real quick, Taryn -- I just wanted [Taryn] And then next -- yeah. [Bonni] to throw in there that the link, the attachment style quiz that we're throwing out there is a nice short thing. It is not a validated scale, so if you really want to go more in depth about it, it's a good link to give you just a little bit of information. And then there's the different types of attachment styles that are shortly described. So don't think this is a, you know, valid, uh, measurement or anything, but it's just a, it's a, it's a glimpse. ::Slide: Therapeutic Interventions Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy:: [Taryn] Yes. Um, okay, so I'm gonna go over these briefly. There's two, um, therapeutic interventions that are high -- come highly recommended, um, for forming attachment, building attachment at any age. Um, so the didactic, or I'm sorry, the Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. Um, so some of the recommendations they have is, "Be playful when appropriate." Um, this can build a feeling of hopefulness and help the child through negative feelings. Um, accepting, so accept the child with unconditional positive regard. If -- any social workers out there will know that phrase like the back of their hand, this means accepting their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of events. Um, that is probably much, much easier said than done. Um, especially whenever we also are human beings and are gonna, you know, wanna shut down at times. Um, be curious, uh, become a detective in your child's world and find out why, the why behind the behavior, being open and interested in your child's world. And then the last one, empathetic, um, or empathic. Connecting to the child's feelings and sitting with them in those feelings. The child can feel like you're joining them in their world. Okay, you can go to the next slide. ::Slide: Therapeutic Intervention Theraplay:: [Taryn] Okay, so this is something that they use, um, and at the outreach team on the clinical level, it is theraplay and um, theraplay is designed for any age, but it's, um, structured parent-led activities, um, that help, they seem a little bit kind of mundane and silly, but they use, um, they do use, you know, science around neurobiology and ways to form and build attachment, um, just through everyday activities. And so it is designed to replicate the natural patterns of healthy interaction between a child and a caregiver. And this therapy, um, is designed to build the healthy attachment, um, that secure attachment that every, you know, parent and child that you strive to have. Um, and those are, um, those are just two of the approaches. Um, the dyadic one, those are just recommendations, that's kind of like the, um, it's base like, it's, that's how that, those are its principles. Um, but there are also plenty of other, um, other, uh, modalities to help form attachment with your child. Um, and so if you have more questions about that, you can always reach out to us, um, and also speak with your post-adoptions worker. And I believe I am done and I think maybe a little over time, but I'm done presenting my part. So I'm gonna send this over to Sierra. ::Slide: Eye Contact and Proximity. Image of a boy looking deeply into a puppy's eyes:: [Sierra] There we go. Yeah. Um, Taryn, thank you so much for giving the kind of ins and outs of what attachment is. And I get to kind of do what I think is a little bit of the fun side of this presentation. Maybe not all of the participants enjoy interactive role play, um, activities. I do. So we'll kind of do a few of those in my portion. But before I get started on our activities, I really wanted to touch on the importance of eye contact and proximity. I think that we start building our relationships based on that. There's a lot of people who, a lot of cultures, a lot of religions, a lot of families who look at eye contact, um, maybe as a sign of respect, their cultural norms, what that may be. And on the flip side, there are also some families and cultures and traditions that, um, look at eye contact as one maybe a child shouldn't make with elders or whatever it may be. And so, um, although eye contact can be really impactful when we are building it with someone, it can, it's gotta kind of go based on what is comfortable for both people. If you are, um, a new foster parent and you get a new kiddo and maybe they are not very comfortable with eye contact, how can you still build that same attachment and that same connection that you are wanting through eye contact with your child? You can do that through proximity. You can kind of meet the child where they're at. Um, I like to use eye contact as kind of a loosely term. It doesn't have to mean direct eye contact, especially here in like a virtual setting, right? I am hoping that the eye contact that I'm getting from everyone does not have to be directly looking at me, but you are glancing over. You may be in proximity to what is around on your screen, but you are engaging. And so eye contact in proximity is just a little bit of something that can help build a relationship, but it's just a reminder to meet the other person where they're at. And it doesn't have to be with a child. That can be with a new friend that you meet, a new coworker. Um, some of these things can apply to all of the relationships that we have. ::Slide: Importance of Playful Engagement:: [Sierra] But one thing that is super fun about building attachments and bonding is play. We think of it for kids. They are playing on the playground at school or they have birthday parties, they are meeting anybody at the swimming pool. I think we all can probably agree that it was way easier to make friends when we were children in like elementary school, um, than it is as an adult. We are put into playgroups or sports. Um, and that really is where maybe some of us have found some lasting friendships or connections, maybe with a sports coach or maybe with a volunteer at an organization. We all kind of interacted with them through the fun of play. So play can be one of the most important aspects in building that connection. It allows us to be vulnerable and express ourselves without actually having to use those words. Um, it allows us to be silly and playful without having to be so serious. And for some of our kids they, it's challenging to have fun. They haven't had the opportunity to um, be given the opportunity to just be a kid and play. And so, um, playful engagement can really, really impact a, um, relationship. ::Slide: Think back to your childhood...:: [Sierra] So then I want to throw it back to you all in asking, I want you to think back to your childhood whatever age maybe was your favorite. It can be kind of any age and thinking what was your favorite game to play? And if you choose to share you are welcome to add it into the chat, if you wanna kind of just keep it in your brain, that's totally fine. But what were some games -- that can be board games, sports games, made up games. I did a lot of makeup games. Oh, I see Red Rover, yes. That was a good one. A lot of, I think maybe some physical injury on my behalf in that one, but I did enjoy it too. Ooh, 1, 2, 3 Red light. Good one. Kickball. Nice. Oh, sliding down dirt hills. Yeah. You know, we can create our own games. Candyland, Uno, Monopoly. Yep. My family was a board game family as well. Love that. So as some of you have shared, who were people that you played those games with? Was that a friend, family member, um, someone in the community? Thinking about who you played those games with. I am an only child, so I played a lot of games with my parents or with my neighborhood, my little neighborhood. We had a cul-de-sac and we were mighty in the early two thousands, jumping from trampoline to trampoline, riding go-karts. You will not catch me doing either one of those now. Um, but okay. Your youth group, your grandparents, siblings, yeah. We ha-- kind of have all of these people that made the game fun, right? Uh, we didn't just like playing the game for rules because if you think about it, games have structure, they have rules, they have things that we kind of have to follow. We can be a little creative in some, um, but most games kind of have these rules and for some kids, for some adults too, that can be challenging to hear, hear some rules. And so that's the unique thing about games and play is that we are being able to be vulnerable and just have fun and not really think about the structure of a game. Well thank you all so much for sharing that with me. And for everyone else, if you think of any other games as we're going, please feel free. Um, I'm sure a couple will pop into my mind. I love a good nostalgia throwback. That's why I included the, um, trampol-- or not the trampoline, the parachute, the, that was both the best of times and the worst of times in PE for me. Um, so I really enjoyed that. I would love to see those as we continue. ::Slide: Special considerations within foster and adoptive families:: [Sierra] So a couple considerations, especially within foster and adoptive families about building that connection, is that your families are starting at a place of loss. They are starting at a place of grief where someone in the attachment process has let someone down or was not able to fulfill that role. Um, and, and the child wasn't able to kind of build that strong secure bond as Taryn was talking about. Or maybe they were. And other circumstances are into play and they are now have a loss of that very secure attachment. Um, but in any case, that initial caregiver for our children in foster care and who have been adopted has been lost. And um, it's important to just know that because it's kind of putting our families at a place of difficult time when we're starting out. But that's also a time where really strong attachments can be built in those difficult and supportive times. And in addition to needing to build some new relationships, there's new relationships and attachments that have to be built with all members of the family, the extended family. There is just a change in your home. And that takes some time. It takes some time for everybody. You know, I, if I was to have a child into my home, I would really have to change some things. My house is not set up for children at the moment. And so those are just little, little aspects not touching onto the feelings of the attachment, but those are just additional special considerations for some foster and adoptive families to kind of think about when building those strong bonds and attachment. So my next few slides will be a few things of how can we, if we're starting at a place of kind of loss, if we're starting at more of a difficult place, what are some ideas that we can help add a little bit more playful attachment into there? So I'm gonna -- [Bonni] Sierra? [Sierra] Yes. [Bonni] I'm so sorry, if I could just jump in real fast. [Sierra] Absolutely. Please do. [Bonni] I think that's why like this slide brings to light why the, the feeling that you felt of talking about all those different games that you used to love when you were a kid, what you felt thinking of those memories matters as we move into this conversation of, when things start with loss, you can see how important and intentional you have to be to create opportunities to bring joy, to bring that feeling of connectedness, you know? Um, so I think just that's why, that's why this is so important, right? Is that you have to be really intentional. You have to, you have to create these opportunities on purpose, um, because, because there is so much loss and pain and grief and and um, all that kind of stuff. So anyway, go ahead. [Sierra] Thank you, Bonni. I think that was a fantastic addition. I appreciate it. So our next one, we're gonna watch a little video. It's a quick little video. It's one of my faves. I see um, some school employees on here and some people who have commented that they work in the school setting. So you may have seen this video. If so, it's always a good one to share. We'll discuss it right after. [Video plays] ::Shot of a man in a suit, Barry White, Jr., standing in a school hallway with a line of children in front of him. He claps, and then each child walks up to him and does a unique handshake with him before walking into the classroom. [Barry White Jr.] So let's get it. Let's go. [Gabe Gutierrez] At Charlotte's Ashley Park Elementary, attendance is quite the show. ::Close-up shot of Barry White Jr. in an interview:: [Barry White Jr.] It's personalized handshakes. We pride ourselves on high expectations in the classroom, and meaningful relationships. ::Close up shots of Mr. White performing individual handshakes with each student:: [Gabe Gutierrez] One after another after another. At least 40 handshakes. Each as unique as Barry White Jr.'s students. [Barry White Jr.] Huh! ::Shot of Gabe Gutierrez interviewing Mr. White in the classroom:: [Barry White Jr.] It really just started with me wanting to, you know, bring some joy to my students and then now you know, it's blowing up. [Gabe Gutierrez] How do you remember every single one? [Barry White Jr.] At this point, it is muscle memory. ::Cut back to continued clip of Mr. White doing handshakes with his students:: [Barry White Jr., in clip] Tinique is always ready. [Barry White Jr.] We do it so much every day. I may do it during lunch, at recess, you know, and they do it every day when they come to my class. ::Shot of Gabe Gutierrez and Barry White Jr. walking down the school hallway and talking. A photo of Mr. White growing up fades onto the screen, in which he is sitting on a swing, surrounded by other children with his arms slung around the shoulders of the two boys on either side of him.:: [Gabe Gutierrez] White may have a famous name, but he's one of a kind. He grew up in Queens, New York, yet he's a huge Cleveland Cavaliers fan and he got the idea from watching LeBron James's pre-game handshake rituals with his teammates. ::Clips of Lebron James performing handshakes with his teammates before various games. Cut back to the interview shot with White and Gutierrez.:: [Gabe Gutierrez] This is about more than just a handshake. [Barry White Jr.] It's definitely about more than handshake. It's about impacting the student. [Barry White Jr.] Um, in the most positive way. ::Shots of White teaching and his students watching him during class:: [Gabe Gutierrez] The students here are mostly lower income. He's just making sure they get a fair shake. ::Close-up shot of Barry White Jr. in an interview:: [Barry White Jr.] Oh, they come from some situations that may not be ideal. ::Close-up shot of Denise Jennifer Hart, one of Mr. White's students, in an interview:: [Denise Jennifer Hart] Well, I felt so inspired 'cause I felt like that I'm welcomed in his class. ::Close-up shot of another student, Zyhir Williams, in an interview at his desk:: [Zyhir Williams] You come in, you'll be excited, you, you do your handshake, then you could come sit down, you'll be already ready. ::More shots of Mr. White teaching his class:: [Gabe Gutierrez] In White's second year teaching, he seems to have have found his calling. ::Close-up shot of Barry White Jr. in an interview:: [Barry White Jr.] I feel like this is probably the number one job in America. ::More shots of Mr. White teaching his class:: [Gabe Gutierrez] A few moments with him. And you notice a lesson for us all: [White teaching in the background] ::Close-up shot of Barry White Jr. in an interview:: [Barry White Jr.] Never underrate the value of relationships with anyone. ::Shot of Mr. White completing a handshake with the final student in line, then they both walk into the classroom together.:: [Gabe Gutierrez] A true educator with just the right touch. Gabe Gutierrez NBC News, Charlotte. ::Shot of Lester Holt in the NBC Nightly News studio:: [Lester Holt] Hey NBC News fans, Thanks for checking in -- [video restarts] [Barry White Jr.] So let's get it, let's go. [Gabe Gutierrez] At Charlottes Ash -- [video ends] ::Slide: Your turn, try a virtual handshake, dance, or choreographed routine:: [Sierra] Okay, so if you have not seen that video before, um, then I hope it was a little joy for you. I think that this is a fantastic way for kids, especially in a school setting or in a group setting. Handshakes, being silly, although they for sure laugh at adults, um, they 100% do, it is something that really helps to make them feel valued and important. And so in saying that, uh, we are gonna try to virtually create something together and how we're gonna do that is go into some breakout rooms. And Bonni could you, are you able to set those up? Oh, perfect. So Bonni will set those up as I am telling you about it. And I don't think that we have to go wild and crazy, but we are gonna come up within your breakout rooms, a dance, a handshake, maybe some virtual movements since we can't really touch hands, um, some virtual movements with at least three different motions or parts. So you'll collaborate within your group to come up with something. And the, the purpose of this is to build some attachment. So be silly as you can have fun, play around. Um, and if you are not super creative, can't think about it. I am always, I'm a Voguer. Um, I am a pro -- self-proclaimed Zillennial, um, even though I can barely say it, so I'm like a, I'm a boomerang girl. All of the kind of things. Feel free to be, be silly. And um, we will give you about five minutes in your groups to come up with something. ::Silence until 00:45:27:: [Sierra] Bonni, I know I can see all of them. Have they been able to get access yet? Oh wait, I see them slowly joining in, I think. Perfect. [Kathryn Wheeler] Hi. Um, my breakout group partner was not like responding to me over Zoom. I don't know if they like left the room or what. So... [laughs] [Bonni] Alright, Kathryn, I'll move you to one that has a couple other people and see if you can join in with them. Sound good? [Kathryn] Okay, thanks. Sorry. [Bonni] No worries. ::Silence until 00:46:53:: [Bonni] You wanna do one more minute, Sierra? [Sierra] Yeah, I think that works. I'll broadcast to them. [Bonni] It takes a minute for them to close the room, so I'll just go ahead and start closing and it should give them that time. [Sierra] Perfect. ::Silence until 47:42. Sierra stops sharing her screen; screen shows speaker until otherwise noted:: [Sierra] All right, I think we are all coming back. Do I have any brave volunteers who would like to show their fun choreographed routine synchronized swimming event to the group? Any takers? If not, you might just see me voguing this whole time and I don't know that I want that always on the recording. [Crystal Keene] Hi, I am Crystal. Me and Michelle were in a room together. [Sierra] Awesome. [Crystal] So we, we kind of went with the kids and what the kids like. Okay. So we did kind of our own virtual hug, [Sierra] Love it. [Crystal] And our heart eye and our peace sign. [laughs] [Sierra] I love that. I love that. And you went for, for the kid approach. Awesome. How was it working together? Did you find that challenging or easy? [Crystal] I thought it was easy. Michelle was very nice, and her husband. [laughs] [Sierra] Awesome. So sometimes when we are put into situations and building relationships with people, if we are given the opportunity to be a little silly, then that allows us to I think be a little bit more, uh, sometimes I can feel, I feel a little stressed, I feel a little uptight sometimes, maybe when I'm meeting new people or doing new things. And so play allows me to be able to do some fun things. All right, I'm gonna bring my screen back up and I appreciate you sharing it. ::Sierra shares her screen again.:: [Sierra] You are welcome to take some ideas like this, um, home with you. I encourage you if you have kiddos at home, if you work in a setting where you are kind of struggling to kind of break through, build some rapport, let them laugh. Let them laugh at you too. It builds a whole lot of fun things. I worked with a huge group of third grade students and third graders, I think if any of you have them, have worked with them, you know third graders, they are kind but very blunt at the same time. And so I had started doing some high fives with them and that kind of stormed off. So I didn't have an individual handshake, but we had high fives just for the third graders. They felt special, they felt elite. And it was also a very easy way for me to kind of check in with them. I could check in with them from afar, do a little virtual high five, and they could say "No," or "Yeah," I could pick up on their body language. So our interactions with silly things that sometimes may be a high five, a handshake, a dance, a little point across the room, whatever it can be. Those things show that secure attachment without having to maybe say the words. It acknowledges that as like a check-in. When you see a person, it can be something silly. I know most kids, if they are kind of upset, feeling down, if we act a little silly, we do something that we know makes them laugh, it's, it's kind of hard for them to not. And so this is a good way to kind of help build some, uh, attachments and bonds, strengthen that a little bit more. And there's no guidelines, no rules, totally free to do what you want. ::Slide: Key points in nurturing:: [Sierra] But the point of building those, those aspects of attachment really goes onto the foundation of nurturing. Nurturing and building that connection is so important. Um, it is probably the foundation of a lot of attachments that we have, bonds and any relationships that's in our lives. If you think about a, your marriage, your partner, your parent-child relationship, friendships, coworkers, everyone needs a little bit nurturing of that relationship of the attachment and bond. So some key points within that is, it has to be a mutual process. Both people or everyone within the group, you all must give some, give some nurturing, give some support, and you also have to receive that and feel comfortable to receive that. Um, we have to be able to give support and receive support and those are the foundations of kind of some nurturing in the beginning. Aspects of those can be verbal or nonverbal. Some things like a handshake or a, a hug for some people. Um, some acknowledgement, shout outs, whatever some things can be. Uh, we can build up attachment through verbal or nonverbal interactions. Sometimes in a coworker setting you can shout out a, a good project that a coworker has done or something that they have done well. Um, same within our personal lives. You know, we all enjoy someone to kind of speak up for us a little bit and advocate for us. And so that's part of the nurturing process as well. We want to support each other physically and emotionally and we can support each other emotionally in the good times, the hard times, the tough times. We can support each other physically by whatever that kind of means for their own physical health. Um, and being the strongest and most supportive person that you can be for them overall. You wanna provide compassion and empathy to be there to support, but you always wanna balance that with joy and celebration. We want to nurture the relationships by having fun. We know, as we've talked about, that play is a big foundation and so we wanna continue to have those joyful celebrations and fun times. It allows us to feel a little bit more comfortable and secure when we're in the tough times. And we wanna allow for a calming, caring space to receive the support. And whatever that may kind of look like for you, whether that is, some people, when they are kind of going through some tough times, are not face-to-face communicators. It's a little bit challenging. Maybe someone is a more written communicator. And so within that you want to make sure that whatever that space you provide fits you both. ::Slide: Whiteboard Collaboration:: [Sierra] So this leads me into a kind of a little bit of a project we're gonna try together, um, to see if we can adapt this virtually. And I'll give you the in-person version after this. But what we're gonna try to do is post onto the whiteboard. I'm gonna try to start that and post a question. I believe you should all be able to access it. Um, and I would like you, if you are comfortable, to post an answer or a response to the question. Let's see, Bonni, do you see the whiteboard access on your end? [Bonni] I do. [Sierra] Okay. 'Cause it is not on mine. [Bonni] Okay, let me try. [Sierra] Maybe because I'm sharing. ::Rotating slides from beginning of webinar appear on screen:: [Bonni] All right. [Sierra] Okay. All right. Let me post our question on here. Ah, if I can get on there. Thank you all. [Bonni] It doesn't look like I have any tools to put anything on it though. [Sierra] You don't have any tools to put anything on it, Bonni? [Bonni] I do not. [Sierra] Can anybody else put things on there? [Bonni] I see some people nodding their head yes, so that's good. [Sierra] Yeah. Okay. Alright. We have a couple things. [Bonni] Good? [Sierra] Yes. Perfect. Okay. We're kind of playing around with this. We're, we're a work in progress. I'm always learning. We're trying to figure out how to adapt these things virtually. So I see a couple people kind of responding. Um, but the point of this kind of a virtual would be, you know, what kind of hurt? This can be something from a headache that can be something that is minor, um, or maybe something, I stub my toe. It can be something big that is, you know, I'm hurt because a friend didn't remember my birthday. I am hurt because some I have lost someone. So there are are all kind of aspects that this vague term can cover and you can frame it however you'd like. Let's see, I see, [reading] "Some sinuses have been hurting," absolutely. "Hurting from playing, that your, your parent is not active." Yeah. So we have a variety of areas where people can be vulnerable. "Hurting yourself from playing pickleball." Yeah, I did hear that that is probably a pretty big thing. Um, awesome. So thank you so much for this. The second part of the activity to kind of build that connection would be if it was laid out a little bit better, we'll figure out for alternative options, to comment on someone's hurt, to acknowledge that you are hearing that. Maybe not always offering that solution but saying, "I hear you, I am supporting you here." Um, sometimes we need a little bit of that. And so I appreciate all of you who have commented on here. It is looking fantastic. ::Return to Whiteboard Collaboration slide:: [Sierra] I will definitely note that whiteboard access was a little bit challenging for us, but if we were to talk it out, we post the question, once everyone has kind of responded, you would then be able to comment on there and offer some support. ::Slide: Don't worry, I'm sticking around like a bandaid:: [Sierra] But in a flip-side setting, if you were in person or home with your kiddos, within your clients, this is something that you can also do. Um, you can do that in the same format, but I like to use bandaids. I know, and I put it on there, that bandaids are currency. I think stickers, bandaids, anything with a little bit of a stick, kids go wild for. And so if sometimes you may have a child who is struggling with saying I, they're hurt, they're struggling with saying what exactly is their hurt? It may be some emotional hurt, but they can say my tummy hurts. Acknowledging it with the bandaid can be helpful to build that connection even if it's not the, the true deeper meaning of the hurt. It shows that support, that caring and that compassion. And again, kids love bandaids. ::Slide: First, Partner 1 will ask, 'Do you have any hurt?' Partner 2 can choose to share or pass. Next, Partner 1 will the ask for consent to put the band aid on wherever Partner 2 designates as where the hurt is. Lastly, switch partners so that everyone has a chance to share if they choose:: [Sierra] So again, you'd have the kind of the same question, "Do you have a hurt?" I always say that you wanna ask for consent before you put it on -- put a bandaid or a sticker, anything on another person, and then kind of switch. If you're just two people you can switch back and forth. If you are in a group then you know, you can kind of go around. But that is the more in-person adaptation of that activity. That does flow a little bit better because we're able to kind of physically have that conversation. But I do appreciate you all trying the, the activity with me. ::Slide: Remember, we also learn from the hard + difficult times:: [Sierra] And, and as we start to wrap up, our time has flown by quickly. I just want to touch upon the fact to remember that a lot of attachment and a lot of building those bonds and strengthening the relationships happen when the hard and difficult times come up. You know, attachment, it's not just built in the good times. We, if you think back to that person I asked you to originally, uh, earlier in our presentation, I'm sure that person is fun to be around, but you can also think of a hard time that either that person has experienced, that you have supported them through, or vice versa. And that sometimes the disagreements, the arguments can make our relationships better. You know, in the moment we may be very frustrated, but if we, if we value that relationship, that attachment, we can speak to each other, get the points of view and really use that as a point to excel relationships. And I think we can also think about some of those strong relationships that we have in our lives. There have probably been many disagreements and arguments, but without those we might not have either learned something or went through a different experience together. And so it always leads for powerful opportunities for repair if there's any damage in a relationship. ::Slide: Thank you! Do you have any questions? Sierra McClendon, LCSW sierramcclendon@ou.edu or Taryn Montenegro taryn.montenegro@okdhs.org:: [Sierra] So that wraps us up today. I know I'm kind of right at the end of time. I was hoping to have some, some space for questions and things like that. ::Stops sharing. Screen shows speaker until otherwise noted.:: [Sierra] But if you wanna post some questions into the chat, I know there have been a few, Bonni and I and Taryn will go through, take those, try to respond to you all for sure because we wanted to have enough time to do that, but unfortunately you've got two talkers within Taryn and I. Um, but thank you so much for joining us. I appreciate you all sticking with us. I hope there was some tangible kind of activities or ways that you can either improve your own relationships within your family structure, within your personal relationships, coworkers, whatever those challenges may be. And Bonni, do you have any -- Bonni or Taryn, do you have anything to wrap us up today? [Taryn] No, thank you so much for coming and listening to us, um, talk about this. [Bonni] Yes, thank you so much. I appreciate everyone being here and enjoying some time with us. And I do see a question, um, that I think I'll follow up in an email. Um, so we will, we will get to that question. Um, thank you guys. Let's see, is there another one? [Sierra] [reading] "Do we have any support groups that we can attend as adoptive parents?" Not yet. We're working on it. [Bonni] Well, yes. We do, so, um, there is a post-event evaluation link in the chat and I'm also going to put the link to the adoption competent, um, network event page on OKFosters. Um, if you can just give me one second. On there, you will see some, uh, events that are happening and coming up and information on how to get connected to those. And there are some, um, sorry, there are some virtual meetings for parents to be able to hop on. We are doing one that's going through a training curriculum right now, but we're applying that curriculum to parents. So you can see all of those links. Um, you can email me, um, I'm so sorry. You can email me at bgoodwin@ou.edu for more information about that if you would be interested in joining some virtual meetings for parents to talk through some information, um, more about attachment, but also about trauma, therapeutic parenting, all that kind of stuff. So check out that link, look at what's coming up. Um, there's Sierra's email in the, in the chat as well. Email either one of us and we would love to have continued conversation. Um, also if you have any other questions about the content from today, please reach out and we would love to chat with you even more about that. Okay. Whitney, I'm not sure I have the right response to that question about "Why is there no longer an option to pay for CEUs online through OU?" I don't, I don't know. Um, but we can try to see if we can get that information sent to you over email, um, to have some of that information. [Megan] Bonni, I can hop in real quick. [Bonni] Um, yay! [Megan] We are working on getting it set up, but at this time unfortunately I can only take checks. Um, but we should be able to get it up and running hopefully very soon. [Bonni] Thank you Megan. I appreciate you being on here and organizing all of that for us. Okay? All right. Thank you guys so much. Have a wonderful rest of your day.