[CORE Teen logo: the shape of a house sectioned off into triangles of different colors. Critical On-Going Resource Family Education] [Megan Lestino] Children don't come into our households as a blank slate ever, they come with all sorts of relationships and attachments. [Robyn Harvey] Their life did not begin the day they met us. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] They're going to have all of the people that they came in with. And that is what makes them who they are. [Heather Forbes] When a resource family can honor that connection that their child has to the biological family, it really sets the tone of their self-identity. [Barb Clark] Honoring the biological family is crucial to attachment. [Debbie Schugg] If I can find good in the birth family that means I find good in you because that's where you came from. [Gerald Peterson] When a child is denied their family, nothing can take its place, but the rest of life will be spent trying to find something to take its place. And it will always be less than, and it will always be rooted in pain. (music) [CORE Teen logo appears on screen: the shape of a house sectioned off into triangles of different colors. Each section has the title of one of the CORE Teen curriculum chapters: Transitions, Continued Connections, Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity & Expression, Parental Regulation, Trauma-Informed Resource Parenting Part 1 and Part 2, Parental Adaptation, and Relationship Development. Screen zooms in on the "Continued Connections" title.] [Narrator] This is "Core Teen", right time training for resource parents. In this episode, we focus on the importance of continued connections with people who matter for young people and care. We'll hear from the experts: [Addie Williams] So you want to look at and identify what were those significant relationships. [Narrator] We'll learn from veteran resource parents: [Debbie Schugg] We tell our kids, we can love more than one child, why couldn't you love more than one parent? [Narrator] We'll listen to the voices of youth: [Vivianna Castillo-Royal] No one understands like your sibling does. [Narrator] And we'll get a rare glimpse into the birth parent experience: [Ashley Albert] Asking me to be a part of the healing process is really what I would like to do. [Narrator] As we discover how supporting young people's other connections strengthens their connection to you. (soft music) [Title Card: Continued Connections] [Heather Forbes] We are biologically programmed to stay connected in the family. [Narrator] There is a connection so deep, so primal, so inherently human that no amount of time or distance, no court order, not even the love of a new family can break it. [A mother, holding a sleeping newborn, presses a kiss to the baby's forehead.] [Heather Forbes: Author and Developmental Trauma Therapist, The Beyond Consequences Institute] That is a biological connection that will never ever be severed. It doesn't matter to the child if that mother was abusive and just did horrible things they will always want that connection 'cause that's how strong it is. The biological connection is always --just did horrible things. [Barb Clark: Resource Parent, Parent Support Specialist, NACAC] Is the first family that they knew and who even though there was abuse and neglect that possibly happened, there was still love, you know. There was still love there. [Heather Forbes] If you watch every Disney movie out there what does the number one theme? Is the theme of the loss of a parent that is every child's worst fear. And for our kids, that's exactly what now has happened. They've lost the most important connection that they've ever had. [Debbie Schugg: Adoptive Parent] You know, a foster and adoptive parents resource parents guardians, can caregivers, everyone who's parenting kids who aren't growing up with the woman to whom they were born, need to understand that there is loss and that loss is just an inherent part of adoption, and that that loss is real for our kids, even if they were adopted at birth. There is still a very primal loss there. So when we look at how can we as the parents minimize loss for our kids, how can we maintain connections? If we give our children access to birth family, it actually draws them closer to us as the adoptive parents than if we fear that. [Addie Williams: Executive Consultant, Spaulding for Children] If a parent tells a child that we are going to wipe the slate clean, that we're going to start fresh, that you're going to become a part of our family, and you no longer have to be concerned about your history, past relationships and attachments that tells the child that there is something wrong with them, that their history, their past is bad. So we need to eliminate it, remove it and give you a new history. That's the wrong message to send. [Heather Forbes] Birth family connections, especially at the teenage years, have to be honored. [Addie Williams] Oftentimes they know their biological family, they are in contact with their biological family. And so for you to say that that connection is no longer there, once again, disrespects who that youth, that teen is. [Kathleen Tenant: Foster and Adoptive Parent] I always speak of biological families in the most respectful terms that I can. Because disrespecting where they come from is the same as disrespecting that child. [Heather Forbes] When a resource family can honor that connection that the child has to their biological family it really sets the tone of their self-identity. [Gerald Peterson: Executive Director, Ruth Ellis Center] We have to stop demonizing these families because what we hear from the young people that we serve all the time is that if there were any way for them to return to their family of origin regardless of how they've been treated, they would go back. [Maria Humphreys: Foster and Adoptive Parent] A lot of these kids wanna go home. And, I guess it's just that's their family, that's their connection. And they will end up home no matter what. [Gerald Peterson] So if that is the desire of their hearts, and we know from practical experience and from research that the best possible adult connections for these young people to stabilize their lives used to have some positive connection to biological family, then for crying out loud, that's what we should be doing. [Silhouette of a person surrounded by various other silhouettes representing the connections in their lives. Lines connect the center figure to various individuals, couples, families, and other groups of varying age and size] [Narrator] We know from life experience and common sense that connections that matter can't simply be swapped out for new ones. That we don't instantly forget about the people we've lost when those people are no longer in our lives. [The original people fade into the background and new figures appear beside the background ones: other children, elders, adults, and various combinations of all three. All the related figures disappear, leaving the central figure, the child, alone in the middle. On the child's left side, a circle appears labeled "Birth Home." In that circle are: School, pets, friends, siblings, biological parents, caring adults, extended family, neighborhood, coach, classmates. On the child's right is another circle labeled "Foster Home." That circle is filled with: New food, new classmates, new school, new pets, new routines, new friends, basketball coach, new rules, foster parents, new neighborhood, foster siblings, mentor, other foster children.] [Narrator] Those attachments still matter. When a young person must move, everything changes. The people, the house, the neighborhood, the school, the food, the rules, the day-to-day routine. What doesn't change is the significance of the connections that child has made with other people in other settings. What if we could help young people retain those important existing connections while still reaping all of the benefits of living in a safe and healing new environment? [The circles merge together into a Venn diagram with the child in the overlap portion. A few items from the "Birth Home" circle move into the middle with the child: Siblings, biological parents, caring adults, extended family.] [Narrator] What if we could help young people stay connected to people who matter, even when they transitioned from our home to a permanent placement or independent living? These continued connections keep a young person grounded and create a supportive network that can last a lifetime. These connections can make all the difference. [Some items from the "Foster Home," New Friends, Basketball coach, foster siblings, mentor, move into the center portion with the child. The circles fade out and leave the child surrounded by: Siblings, foster parents, foster siblings, basketball coach, extended family, mentor, caring adults, new friends, biological parents. Figures appear behind each label to symbolize each of those people and connecting lines appear between each person or group and the child.] (bright music) [Card: The Search for Self Identity] [Heather Forbes] The idea of self identity and developing that sense of "Who am I?" is part of every child's developmental journey. [Addie Williams] There are characteristics that you have that you can trace directly to someone in your family. [Darla L. Henry] Who we look like, who we act like, who we sound like, there is that connection. [Addie Williams] So your birth history provides you with a sense of self. [Darla L. Henry] And if it's all negative, what is there to go back to to build one's sense of self? [Debbie Schugg] If all they have is stuff from the court reports or negative things that they've heard then that's what they're going to align with. But if they know that their artistic ability came from their grandmother perhaps, or their musical ability or their athletic ability or their gorgeous smile or their infectious laugh came from their birth family, that gives them something positive to anchor to. [A Tool For Your Toolbox: Help the youth identify with positive traits from the birth family.] [Caelan Soma] We have to be looking for strengths in the parents themselves so that we can then let that child know if there's anything about them that's like their parent that's awesome. 'Cause if you've got an awesome kid there must be something awesome in their parent. [A Tool For Your Toolbox: Look for strengths in the birth family.] [Darla L. Henry] That's why we cannot ignore birth parents, it's why we can't act as if they don't exist. It's why we can't ignore loyalty. The loyalty is about the connection to the goodness of the parent. Because it's who I am. Our identity comes from our families. [Debbie Schugg] And so if I can find good in the birth family that means I find good in you because that's where you came from, right? And I can't say that only the parts of you that I love or the parts that are like us, we can't do that, right? We wanna love the whole child. Particularly if they're carrying this shame and this feeling that there was something wrong with them in the first place or they would still be with their family of origin. (bright music) [Card: Navigating Openness] [Narrator] It's helpful to think of openness as a continuum, from no contact on one end and co-parenting on the other. [Six colored circles appear across the middle of the screen with the heading, "The Continuum of Openness" above them. Each points to the next. First is No contact, then Communication Without Face-to-Face Interaction, then Occasional Get-Togethers in Public Settings, then Visits and Outings, then Ongoing Contact and Interactions, and finally Co-Parenting.] [Nicole Pauling: Foster Parent] In the situation where a child can't visit with their biological parents, they can't maybe even have phone calls. I had one child who even phone calls were disastrous for her. So in those cases, you make the space to have the conversations about their parents. Tell me about them. I know you miss them, tell me. [On the continuum, under "No contact," text appears reading, "Make space for conversations about the child's birth family."] [Darla L. Henry] We honor that family, but we explore with them what was happening in that family. And the reasons they can't live with that family most kids get that but they don't have to give up caring about that family. [Nicole Pauling] You have to reframe it. And I wish that you could be with your mom and your dad just because I know you miss them so much, but while they can't take care of you I'm so glad that you're here with me. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons: Child Welfare Consultant] It's important for a young person to understand sometimes that that person still loves you. Is still doing the best that they can do with what they've got. But that in fairness what they've got isn't good enough for you. [Nicole Pauling] So you're reinforcing their story, reinforcing the fact that their parents love them. You're reinforcing the fact that you know that they love their parents, but you're also reinforcing that you're safe and you're cared for. And it'll be okay. [Debbie Schugg] You can have access by being open to your kids asking questions and not having your mouth get tight and your hands get tight, and your voice get tight when they're talking about their birth family, to wonder aloud if they're thinking about their birth parents, to look for what are the things that you see in them and love in them that came from their birth family, 'cause it didn't all come from you. (dramatic music) [Narrator] Openness could include phone calls, letters, email and social media without face-to-face contact or there might be get togethers for special occasions, sporting competitions or lifecycle events. [Back to the Continuum of Openness. Beneath "Communication Without Face-to-Face Interaction" we see the items mentioned by the narrator. That list fades out and under "Occasional Get-Togethers in Public Settings" we see Special Occasions, Sporting Competitions, and Life Cycle Events.] [Robyn Harvey: Resource Parent] The other thing I do when they're grieving is I reconnect them with their families. I push really hard for visits to increase, instead of decrease. If someone is missing someone less time isn't going to help. It's going to be more time. This is counterintuitive to most foster parents, most foster parents are like, "Oh, they're coming home sad, and they're acting out and doing all this, the visits are bad, we need to stop them." I lean in and say, what other opportunities can we have for these two people to connect? Can they go to a school play? Can they go to a baseball game? Can they go to church? All of those different things, that connection is super important for us to honor. [A Tool For Your Toolbox: Find safe and positive ways to help youth stay connected to family and extended family.] [Narrator] If the get togethers are positive and the youth wants more contact, it may be appropriate to plan more frequent visits and outings. Openness does not always refer to interactions with birth parents. Continued connections with extended family members can also be important. [On the Continuum, "Additional in-person contact" appears beneath the "Visits and outings" circle.] [Debbie Schugg] Maybe it's contact with siblings. Maybe there was a grandma who so adored your little babe. And she couldn't parent him but she knows the family history, she remembers his mom when she was little and that's gonna be invaluable to that child. [Darla L. Henry] This is not a competition. It's not either or, it's not picking and choosing. It's helping young people sort out, and how their needs are met in families. Families are the best source of healing for your young people. And it's not j-- may not just be one family. It's not you having all the answers. [Debbie Schugg] And to have the humility to say that "I want you as my child to grow up with the best of your birth family and the best of our adoptive family. And weave that into a tapestry that is just a masterful you that's like nobody else." [Card: "No one understands you like your sibling."] [Narrator] For young people who have been separated from their families, the sibling connection takes on added significance. [Jennifer Rhodes: Foster Care Alumna] If you have a child in your home and you know they have a sibling out there, you should do whatever you can in your power to nurture that relationship. [Vivianna Castillo-Royal: Foster Care Alumna] Going through a really abusive home and where you're getting hit on the daily, you are hurt every day, no one understands like your sibling does. My little brother got the worst of it. And he would always come to me and I would hold him, and I was the one that was there. He needed me. [A Tool For Your Toolbox: Do whatever you can to help the child maintain sibling relationships.] [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] Our science and common sense teach us that siblings are the most valuable, longest lasting relationship in your life. This is their whole generation. This is who their kids' aunts and uncles and cousins are gonna be. [Addie Williams] That's the one connection that they will always have. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] They've often been in a role where they've had to take care of their siblings. They may feel some responsibility for the fact that their siblings are in care. [Vivianna Castillo-Royal] I raised these boys and to not have them it's just like, how do you deal with that? [Addie Williams] They are feeling guilty that as the surrogate parent they weren't able to keep their family together. [Samantha Coleman Forton: Foster Care Alumna] I raised my siblings. So being separated from them was hard. [Vivianna Castillo-Royal] Letting go of like guiding them was really hard. And it still is. [Addie Williams] It is very important that these relationships are cultivated. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] Even though there are a lot of challenges associated with bringing the siblings together and allowing the space for that, it's worth it because the payoff is so great and having them feel that sense of connection to who they are. [Alysha Kostyshyn: Foster Care Alumna] The relationship between me and my brothers it's like, we've been through hell and back but that's my family. Those are my boys. [Narrator] With or without a goal of reunification, with or without physical contact, there are times when a birth parent can play an important role in a young person's life. [On the Continuum of Openness, under the final "Co-Parenting" circle appears, "A meaningful role for birth parents in support of healing and growth"] [Megan Lestino: Vice President, Public Policy and Education, National Council for Adoption] I know families who have come out of foster settings and the, the birth parent just isn't going to be able to parent long-term but they are really good role model still. And they are able to sort of maintain an extended family role and stay connected and they can give background information, they can give medical information, they can be a source of stability in the child's life, someone who's known them from beginning to end. And while they may not be doing the day-to-day interactions of parenting, that's still hugely valuable to the child's development. [A Tool For Your Toolbox: Be open to finding a meaningful role for birth parents.] [Addie Williams] Most teens know where their parents are, know where their relatives are. They have already made contact with relatives. So the issue of whether you will be allowed to have contact with relatives or not really is a non issue. The question is what parameters are we going to need to discuss and put in place regarding that contact? [Woman] You know what young people are? Going online, they're going onto their social media, they're staying connected to one way or the other. So there's that, that's the first thing. That's like a truth we cannot hide from. But then there's also the beauty and joy of being able to leverage social media to keep those extended family connections. [Barb Clark] You know, the more that you can be involved as the foster or adoptive parent in helping to navigate that relationship, the better it's going to be, and it's gonna actually help you to be more connected to the teenager as well, because they see that you honor and respect their biological family and the connection that they have with that. [Footage of a mother and son sitting on a couch and talking. A Tool For Your Toolbox: Involve the youth in decisions about continuing connections.] [Narrator] If you have teens in your home, they should be involved in the decision-making or at least in the discussion. But they will need help discerning what is safe, what is in their best interest, even what is possible. This is where resource parents can play an important role. [The mother and son look at a laptop together. The father is working in the kitchen in the background.] [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] So exactly what that means is really being open first to learning what's important and really hearing from them what relationships they value, what relationships they wanna continue, exploring with them what that's gonna mean, because that's gonna be different for each relationship that they have. To help them to develop a not all bad, not all good, "This is part of who I am, and I can decide how much of that I want to continue to be part of who I am" and then to help them to navigate that. Because now you're the responsible adult that can help to shape those relationships with them, and learning how to do that balance. [Anne Ward] And I think it's still a work in progress and probably will be a lifelong work in progress. [Shot of Anne Ward, holding a baby in her arms, talking on the couch with a teen.] [Teen] Yeah. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] And then you've got the developmental phase of adolescents who sometimes want to let you help and sometimes wanna do it themselves and trying to figure out what that is and provide them with enough skills that they can do what they can do safely and trust you enough to come to you for help. [Megan Lestino] You are not enemies with this family of origin. In fact, you're on the same team. [Robyn Harvey: Foster and Adoptive Parents] Birth parents, most of them love their children deeply, but sometimes they don't have the parenting capacity to keep them safe. [Barb Clark] A lot of times the biological parents of the kids that we're caring for are our children grown up. So a lot of them grew up in foster care. A lot of them have significant histories of developmental trauma and generational trauma. [Ashley Albert: Birth Parent] At one point I was that child that was being protected. It was super hard to separate my experience coming into the child welfare system as a foster youth, then my experience as a parent. I was just wrapped up in shame and guilt and humiliation. [Nicole Pauling] They love their children. They just can't raise their children. I have the ability to raise them but they have the ability to reach them in a way that I can't. So whenever possible, when you're able to bring those parents into your lives, do it, don't be scared. [Robyn Harvey] I allow birth parents to visit their kids at my house. Helping the birth parents see how my husband and I disciplined kids, helping them see what healthy meals looked like, helping them see healthy sibling interaction was all part of raising capacity. And we didn't say that. That wasn't how we approached it. It was more like, "Do you wanna come have dinner with your kids?" And yeah, if they could, they did. [Ashley Albert] Asking me to be a part of the healing process is really what I would like to do. We've already been to the part of we're here, we've got visits, all the details of how they should be safe and who should be responsible watching what, right? But if we could kinda step, we know that and we honor that, but let's move into like the good stuff. Like the healing, where's all the fun at like let's bake the cookies, (laughs) right, like, okay, (sniffs) Ashley's not allowed to be alone have unsupervised visits yet, right? That might be hard for Ashley to kinda hear and accept. So what I'm gonna do is me as a foster parent maybe I'll do some visits for a little bit, for a little while, that way I could kinda teach her and coach her on some stuff, and she gets a double whammy. She gets to spend time being in the home with me and my family, kinda learning some household skills baking cookies, spending time with Sammy doing homework, helping with laundry. [Robyn Harvey] Capacity can be raised. And there's a team of people that should be helping that parent to raise the capacity. And guess what? I can be on that team by taking her to the soccer games, taking her to the medical doctor with me, modeling behavior that helps her raise her capacity, helping her understand her own worth. [Nicole Pauling] At the core of it, you both love that child. [Megan Lestino] Families of origin almost always want the very best for their kids. You may have different opinions about what that looks like or how that plays out, but you're on the same team and wanting what's best for this child. [Woman] One of my mottos is, never too many people to love or to love me. [Debbie Schugg] So when you give them permission to miss their birth parents or their birth family, or to wonder about them or to want contact with them it actually brings you much, much much closer in your parent-child relationship. [Anne Ward] Sometimes when kids start to form attachments with foster families and they realize that subconsciously or consciously, they rebel so hard and they try and push you away because they don't wanna feel disloyal. And so it's important to talk about how lots of people can love a child and that you can love lots and lots and lots of people. And that's actually really good. That can be really hard sometimes, right? Especially when you're going into adoption and you just, you wanna finally just really feel like that child is your child. [A Tool For Your Toolbox: Reassure youth that it's possible to love many people.] [Darla L. Henry] That's where the divided loyalty comes in. It's that, oh, I have to give this up to have this. It's the challenge for resource parents because they wanna love this kid and give this kid all and be all, but you cannot be in the world of resource families you cannot be. This child loves another. So we embrace that love. And we look at it as a both-and. Not an either-or, but a both-and. So we understand the loyalty is a good thing. It's a good thing because it says a child loves and can love. And we honor that love. [A Tool For Your Toolbox: Acknowledge issues of loyalty and encourage the child to love.] [Vanessa James: Communications Manager, Illinois Department of Children and Family Services] One of the things I had to learn was being able to step back and understand that there's a role that I can fill and I can take care of you and I can be there for you but I'm not gonna replace the mom that you know is your mom. And I'm not trying to do that. [Heather Forbes] So opening up the space to say, hey I'm maybe your second mom. I am here now, I'm here to be everything that you need me to be. And I honor who she was and we will maybe celebrate her birthday. We will always honor mother's day with two cards, instead of just one. Having the atmosphere and the culture of the family that says it's okay to have both, not asking our children to choose between one or the other. [Vanessa James] There's a lot of loyalty issues that come with adoption and I mean, I know it with my own kids. I know no matter what I do, no matter how terrible I decided to become my kids are always gonna love me, and I'm always gonna be Mom. So why would I expect anything different from the kids who come to our home through the child welfare system? [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] I've had both personal and professional (giggles) experience with this. And I still have hard times on Mother's Day, right? Because I raised four girls out of foster care that came into my home at 14, all of them. And today they're 30 something. And I still think to myself, "Who gets the first call on Mother's Day?" because I think I've replaced somebody. You can't ever replace somebody. They're going to have all of the people that they came in with. And that is what makes them who they are. [Megan Lestino] It's always a little hard. It's always a little uncomfortable, but ultimately working through it is for the good of the kids in your life. (upbeat music) [Title Card: Continued Connections] [CORE Teen Logo]