[CORE Teen logo: the shape of a house sectioned off into triangles of different colors. Critical On-Going Resource Family Education] (gentle piano music) [Woman] You don't have to fix every problem. You can't. You have to let it go. And you have to think about what do you need to get through this day with joy? [Heather Forbes] The first concept is there is no perfect parent ever. [Ronald Williams] Self-care. You have to take care of yourself first. [Sabra Starnes] Take a breather, walk away, stop talking. [Lena Wilson] We all have triggers. There are gonna be some things that are gonna set us off that this youth is gonna do. [Samantha Coleman Forton] I've done some very dramatic things. [Melissa Peterson] She would rage for two hours, throw things, break things, swear, yell, scream. [Vivianna Castillo-Royal] I was a really rebellious child. [Kayla VanDyke] Like a complete anxiety meltdown. [Shane Read] I was a child filled with rage. [J. Stuart Ablon] When a kid starts getting dysregulated, look out 'cause here we come too. [Bruce D. Perry] You have to be regulated yourself before you help your dysregulated child. (uplifting music) [CORE Teen logo appears on screen: the shape of a house sectioned off into triangles of different colors. Each section has the title of one of the CORE Teen curriculum chapters: Transitions, Continued Connections, Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity & Expression, Parental Regulation, Trauma-Informed Resource Parenting Part 1 and Part 2, Parental Adaptation, and Relationship Development. Screen zooms in on the "Parental Regulation" title.] [Narrator] This is CORE Teen. Right time training for resource parents. In this episode, we explore parental regulation, the ability to recognize, monitor, and manage one's own emotions and reactions when dealing with challenging youth. We'll learn from experts why self-regulation is so essential for caregivers. [Bruce D. Perry] You gotta put your own oxygen mask on first. [Narrator] We'll hear from veteran resource parents. [Paty Carroll] I'm not gonna let this affect me personally. [Narrator] We'll listen to the voices of youth. [Vivianna Castillo-Royal] How am I going to push these people's buttons? [Narrator] And we will explore the art, the science and the magic of co-regulation. (uplifting music) [Title Card: Parental Regulation] [Heather Forbes: Author and Developmental Trauma Therapist, The Beyond Consequences Institute] Understand that this will be the hardest job you have ever done in your life. And you're gonna have all the best intentions. Here's the typical scenario. You're lying in bed. You're like, "Okay, today I am gonna be like the most amazing parent. I'm gonna be patient. I'm gonna be calm. I got this." You go through your list. You get up and literally five minutes later, you've blown your top. And you're like, "What happened?" It's okay. Just stop, center yourself, forgive yourself, understand yourself, understand that this is very, very challenging, regroup, and then just go right back at it. [Card: Recognizing Your Own Triggers] [Narrator] The first step in self-regulation is self-awareness. Resource parents need to recognize their own triggers and learn how to manage them. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons: Child Welfare Consultant] You've gotta know where you're coming from and what's pushing your buttons and upsetting your triggers 'cause I guarantee a teenager in your household, they know what pushes your buttons. So it's important for you to know too. [Caelan Soma: Director, National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children] What rubs you the wrong way? What can't you stand? Is it greasy hair? Is it bangs in the face? Is it the hoodie up? Is it (shrugging)? What can't you stand, right? I mean, you need to know. For me, it's dishes in the sink. It's like, if you're gonna bring your dishes all the way to the sink, why not just put them in the dishwasher? I don't want to see them, right? I don't want to see them. You're all old enough to put them in the dishwasher. So stuff like that. And I think parents need to be aware of that. [Melissa Peterson: Adoptive Parent; Certified Parent Coach] With this child, I have to let go of all that other stuff. It doesn't matter if she can clean her room. Doesn't matter if she can make her bed. If she eats all the right foods or not, that can't matter. It's that is her mental health stable? And can she somehow connect with me? [Caelan Soma] And either you make the decision to let it go or there needs to be a plan in place. I mean, one of the two things. But I think those triggers are important to know. What are they? Now those are petty triggers. Could there be triggers that are, "Oh no, no. My dad used to do that." And what that tells me about the situation is it's reminding me of something that happened in my world. That's bringing something up that is causing me to be dysregulated. And that would be kind of a deeper, more in-depth trigger that the parent would have to be kind of in tune with. [Paty Carroll: Resource Parent] I only had one time where it really affected me is a little boy went down the street and had molested a little, a little boy. And all of a sudden, I start having all of these memories of something that had happened to me. And it just about threw me off of my -- I'm sorry. It just about threw me into another world. And that was the only time I think that I took it real personal, you know? I just could not manage. [Lena Wilson: Vice President, Child and Family Samaritas] So sometimes you have to step back for yourself, know yourself is probably very important, know what your own triggers are. [Jayne Schooler: Child Development Specialist, Back2Back Ministries] A trigger is something that pulls us back into an emotional memory. It could even be a physical memory. But they're all tied in together. Generally, unless we become more and more self-aware of what we're responding to, we're gonna respond out of that emotional pain from that trigger. [Megan Lestino: Vice President of Public Policy and Education, National Council for Adoption] Imagine a child in your home. Maybe you've got a young teenage girl and it's really hard for her to trust people. And what she says to you when she doesn't trust you is not, "I'm finding it hard to trust you right now." What she's saying is, "You're not in charge of me. I don't belong here. I'll just move on to the next home. This is what I do. What you say doesn't matter." [Vivianna Castillo-Royal] I did everything that I could to get them just to hate me. [Megan Lestino] And you learning to not feel attacked by that. But instead taking a deep breath and saying, "I think that you don't understand that we want you here." [Vivianna Castillo-Royal] I could tell that they were disgruntled by what I was doing, but they just wouldn't kick me out. [Darla L. Henry: President, Darla L. Henry & Associates] Let's talk about when it's messy. Let's talk about when they're screaming in your face and calling you all kinds of names and telling you to get lost and to F off and to, they don't have to listen to you and they walk out the door. Huh? Now what are you gonna do? Now what are you gonna do? 'Cause they might do that. [Barb Clark] And so you've gotta be prepared for that. Like how are you gonna react when they swear at you and call you a name? [Darla L. Henry] My role is to be secure, to create for them a foundation that they can do their work. And at times they'll be out of control. At times, they'll look pretty crazy. [Barb Clark] Developmentally informed parenting is really what it is, and understanding where the kids are coming from. And because they are always going to be one notch above you in the red zone if you go to the red zone. [Christine Pinckney: Resource Parent] Don't do it because they will break you. They will. When I say break you, they will take it to the limit where you are so stressed out and they know that. So they're gonna take it a little far 'cause they figure, oh, "I got the upper hand. I'm controlling her." [Agnes Butler: Resource Parent] "I'm gonna push their buttons" [Christine Pinckney] "I'm gonna push your buttons." [Samantha Coleman Forton: Foster Care Alumna] You really don't see a person, their true colors, their true vibes, whatever you want to call it until they're stressed or they're uncomfortable or they're angry or upset in a dramatic way. So I remember as a child trying to provoke those situations, 'cause I didn't understand how else to get those true intentions out of somebody. [Paty Carroll] Just hang in there 'cause some kids are real rough and I'm sure that there's some kids that are real easy. Haven't had any of those (laughs). [Card: Self-Regulation] [Narrator] Once resource parents know how to anticipate, recognize and manage their triggers, it's time to focus with intention on self-regulation. Staying regulated requires self-care and support. [Heather Forbes] So parents need to first identify what their own strategies are to be able to stay self-regulated, their coping mechanisms. And sometimes I have parents just make an entire list. What are the things that you do to be able to settle yourself, to be able to calm down? [Bruce D. Perry: Senior Fellow, ChildTrauma Academy; Adjunct Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Northwestern University] Everybody uses some form of self-regulatory activity. You may not be aware of it, but you do. Whatever it is, there's some thing that is regulating for you. One of the most effective and easy to learn is doing deep breathing. So if you do patterned, repetitive, regulatory breathing, inhale for five seconds, exhale for five seconds. You do that five times, you're calm. [Donna Williams] I like music. Music calms me. [Mina Pinckney] I go to the movies. I go walking. I go to the Y. We both go to Y together. [Woman] I have someone clean my house every two weeks. [Nancy Stone] And you know, getting my hair done and going to the gym and taking care of myself. [Donna Williams] And then prayer. Prayer really is essential. [Paty Carroll] I always say, I have a sense of humor (laughs). [Megan Lestino] Sometimes laughter is the best way to survive a hard thing. [Paty Carroll] Laughter heals the soul. [Donna Williams] Another big thing I think is respite. [Sabra Starnes: Resource Parent] Being able to set boundaries, say no, set limits. And be able to ask for help and see it as a strength and not as a weakness. [Woman] I think it's important to not be isolated, especially when you are parenting teens who have come from a troubled background. You have to be surrounded with people who love you unconditionally and who really, really will support you. (uplifting music) [Card: Co-Regulation] [Narrator] Grounded in brain science, co-regulation is a modeling and mirroring process by which a regulated adult helps a young person to become regulated. [Melissa Peterson] I used to get really angry when I saw damage to my house. It would just trigger me big time. It was a big trigger for me and I, one of my things I decided I would do is I would look at holes in the walls or dents or whatever. And I would just go say, "I forgive you," to the hole. "I forgive you," to the dent. "I forgive you." It would help me. And I would feel better. It was just a healthy practice I had and I would do it every night when I would bring her up to bed. 'Cause there would be little dents along the hall and holes. And I could just say, "I forgive you. I forgive you." And then I could get in her room and feel like, "I love you." "I forgive you." "You're wonderful." [Bruce D. Perry] The secret to effective parenting, teaching, therapy, coaching, any interaction between human beings is all related to regulation. [Heather Forbes] A lot of this actually is becoming very aware of yourself at the body level. And so when you feel that tightening in the chest, one of the best strategies I have parents do is literally sit down. Just sit down, take a deep breath and don't say anything. And that will be one of the hardest things that parents ever do. Because you feel justified in yelling, you feel justified in telling that child to stop what they're doing at that moment. [J. Stuart Ablon: Director, Think:Kids, Massachussetts General Hospital; Associate Professor, Harvard Medical School] It's our natural response to behavior that is really off-putting. I mean, when a kid doesn't do what we want or worse, escalates, we feel disrespected. [Barb Clark] As parents, we want to be respected by our children or the children that we're caring for, whether they're children or teenagers. And when we have kids that have come from tough places and have developmental trauma, we're going to have disrespect. [J. Stuart Ablon] As much as I do this for a living, you can see me completely lose it with my kids. When do I lose it with my kids? When I feel like they are disrespecting me. And the problem with that is then to use a fancy word, I get all dysregulated. And dysregulated, I lose my cool. And there's one fundamental truth that we need to talk about today. And that is that somebody who's dysregulated, worked up, can't regulate somebody else. [Lisa Morrison: Residential Clinical Therapist, The Village Network] You don't want to react to a reactive child because then you have an escalation. You have to underreact to a reactive child so that everyone can come back down. [Heather Forbes] And so stop, sit down, breathe, regulate yourself back down, understand your reactivity before you project it back on that child. [Bruce D. Perry] The simplest way to think about this is that in order for you to connect with your child and communicate something to the top part of the brain, first of all, the lower part of the brain has to be regulated. And if it's regulated enough, then you can connect, you can relate, and that's sort of the middle part of the brain. And if you've been able to be regulated and connect, then you can reason with your child. Your child will hear you, will hear what you're saying. And if you're not regulated, the child's not gonna hear. [Promise Adams-Brown: Foster Care Alumna] I couldn't listen to anybody if they was yelling at me. And most of the time that's how my aunt wanted to teach me, by yelling. And that's how she learned. And I'm like, everyone doesn't learn the same. You can't teach me through yelling. [Bruce D. Perry] Human beings are contagious. And so what that really means for the parent is that if you want your child to be regulated so that you can actually reason with them, you have to be regulated. And that is one of the hardest things to do. Easy to say, hard to do. Let's say you're telling them to put their napkin in their lap for the fifth time at the same meal. It's highly unlikely that what you have up in the top part of your brain is gonna get through your emotional part of the brain without coming out a little bit frustrated or angry. And so as soon as that happens, you're actually not regulated because you're a little stirred up, the tone of voice and the way you posture yourself and the way you look at them and that you've recruited your hands to be involved in this process now is going to stir them up. And instead of hearing you, they're gonna feel you. And what they feel is your frustration. And because they've had a history of trauma, they're gonna magnify that 10 times. And so your frustration will feel to them like you're rageful. [Kayla VanDyke, Foster Care Alumna: Youth Engagement Coordinator, North American Council on Adoptable Children] One time, so stupid, she tried to clean my room. She bought me these really expensive oil paints. And I was just like having a, you know, art session. And of course she comes in, like moms do. And she cleaned up my table. And I came back from school that day and I saw my table clean and I just had like a complete anxiety meltdown. In my mind I was like, "If she cleaned my table, I bet she is so angry at me right now. I bet she's just like freaking out." But I didn't say that because I was a teenager. And instead I just like angrily lashed out at her. I was like, how could you do this? How could you go into my room? That's my room. You said it was my room. Isn't it not my room? [Bruce D. Perry] And they're a little bit tuned up. And then, because they're not listening to you, you get tuned up. And pretty soon you have this escalating mess. [Christopher Doud: Outpatient and Residential Therapist, The Village Network] As the adult, (laughs) you have to check yourself. Go back to the regulate part yourself. Recognize internally, hey, I'm getting escalated. [J. Stuart Ablon] These are kids who have a hard time managing their emotional response. They get worked up real quick. The worst thing we can do is get worked up in response 'cause then it's off to the races. So I tell parents, the most important thing is us staying calm. [Heather Forbes] If anyone goes to timeout, it's not your kid. It's you, the parent. [Kayla VanDyke] And I couldn't really communicate to her at the time why I was so crazy about it. But to me it was like this sense of losing control as if I was walking on eggshells. And that was gonna be the final straw that I had misstepped in some way and not perceived her wanting me to keep that clean. And she was responsive to that. [Bruce D. Perry] The irony is most of the times, people, when they get in this loop, the tendency is to step forward and seek compliance from the child. The most effective thing is to step back and seek regulation with yourself. And it's hard to do. [Kayla VanDyke] She kind of respected that it was, it wasn't about the table. And it wasn't about the fact that she had cleaned. She kind of got to the root of the issue and she actually understood that it was about something much deeper and that I didn't need a clean table. I needed to feel supported and safe and like my home situation wasn't fragile. And so she responded to that with a lot of reassurance. [Lisa Morrison] Human beings are contagious. Our emotions are contagious. And that can be a bad thing, but it can also be a very good thing. [J. Stuart Ablon] If a kid starts getting dysregulated and we don't, and we don't have to use fancy language. Kid starts getting worked up real fast and we don't. We stay calm. That can help bring down the kid, regulate the kid. That's what we call co-regulation. And when you think about how babies learn how to regulate themselves, how to keep themselves calm under really adverse circumstances. I mean, babies, when they're cold or hungry or uncomfortable, they can't do anything to help themselves other than, for instance, scream. But how do they learn how to comfort themselves, how to calm themselves? By some trusting adult calming them in the beginning and bringing them down. Which is why if you're really worked, if a kid's screaming bloody murder, an infant, and you pick them up and you scream back, that kid is not going to get regulated. Okay? If you're able to stay calm, as hard as it is while they're screaming bloody murder, until you can calm them down, that's how they learn to regulate themselves. And the same is true if we're talking about a 17-year-old who struggles with those skills because it hasn't gone so well early on. [Terry Cross: Founder and Senior Advisor, National Indian Child Welcare Association] One of the most important things to remember is what we see. [J. Stuart Ablon, off-screen] Who struggles with those skills. [Terry Cross] Outcome of the experiences that they've had. And that most of the behaviors that you see aren't willful until they're trying to get themselves out of the mess they got themselves into. In other words, they're gonna flash in anger because of triggered trauma. [Lisa Morrison] Say a kid's blowing up in their room. I'll walk in and sit down on the floor because it's much harder to yell at someone who's sitting down. And typically, eventually, because we're contagious, we mirror each other. They'll sit down with me and it's much harder to yell when you're sitting on the floor. And that's just one way to actually physically bring it down. And it's non-confrontational, just bloop. [Nicole Pauling: Resource Parent] I had a girl who had wrecked a school bus, sent two teachers to a hospital, broken her previous foster mom's arm, tried to drown a child. She had never been in a home for longer than two months. She was big. She was scary. People were intimidated by her. When people were trying to interact with her and they were trying to control her and get her under control, they'd do, (yelling) you need to sit down! You need to do this! And they'd try to tower over her. They'd try to intimidate her and push her down into this little tiny cubby of control. That was the exact wrong thing to do. What they needed to do was get quiet and still and sit down and let her work through her rage because she was angry and she had the right to be angry. But then when she was calm, you could talk. [Lisa Morrison] Having the confidence to sit is also very calming because if I'm not scared of them, they know that they're gonna be okay. 'Cause I think that sometimes if they sense that someone's afraid of them, that can be very dysregulating 'cause they know what fear feels like. So they end up feeling like if I'm this big, scary thing, that they're scared of me, I'm not safe anywhere. So having the ability to maintain your calm will keep them safe because they know that you've got them. [Heather Forbes] Trauma takes a long time to heal. I think getting our perspective around the fact that this isn't just about changing the child's behavior. It's not just about making them brush their teeth and follow the rules and empty the dishwasher and set the table, and just to be able to get through life. This is stepping back to recognize that this is not a behavioral journey, this is a healing journey. When you can understand that this is a process, I think it does build your tolerance to be able to say, okay, I'm not gonna have to react over this. We didn't get it done tonight. We can always try tomorrow. (uplifting music) [Title Card: Parental Regulation] [CORE Teen logo]