[CORE Teen logo: the shape of a house sectioned off into triangles of different colors. Critical On-Going Resource Family Education]

[Melissa Peterson] My one goal was that she develop a relationship with me, whatever that looked like. So I parented for relationship only. I let go of a lot of the other stuff. 

[Debbie Schugg] We're coming in on the heels of adult after adult, after adult, after adult who broke their trust. 

[Alysha Kostyshyn] Don't lie. 

[Shane Read] Get to know me, like don't just judge me by what my file says. 

[Promise Adams-Brown] When you say you love your child that means you love them unconditionally. There are no conditions to this love.

[Heather Forbes] This isn't just about behavioral change, this is about healing.

[Caelan Soma] What resource parents need to know is that it's okay to not always get it right.

[J. Stuart Ablon] But over time you start to see a kid who trusts you and opens up to the world in a different way. And that is just, it's magical.

(slow music)

[CORE Teen logo appears on screen: the shape of a house sectioned off into triangles of different colors. Each section has the title of one of the CORE Teen curriculum chapters: Transitions, Continued Connections, Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity & Expression, Parental Regulation, Trauma-Informed Resource Parenting Part 1 and Part 2, Parental Adaptation, and Relationship Development. Screen zooms in on the "Relationship Development" title.]

[Announcer] This is CORE Teen, Right-Time Training For Resource Parents. In this episode, we focus on the healing power of relationship. We'll hear from experts in the field of childhood trauma: 

[Bruce D. Perry] These kids still long to be connected.

[Announcer] We'll check in with veteran resource parents:

[Mina Pinckney] You have to listen what they saying.

[Announcer] And we'll listen to the voices of youth:

[Shane Read] I wanted someone to actually see me for who I was.

[Announcer] As they share their perspectives on relationships, how to build them, why they matter and most of all, the difference even one helping relationship can make for teens from hard places. 

(slow music)

[Title Card: Relationship Development]

[Melissa Peterson: Adoptive Parent, Certified Parent Coach] In 2007, I adopted an 11-year-old girl from the foster care system. And she had a history of neglect, multiple abuse, a lot of maltreatment, chaotic living, just a lot of things going on. At the time of the termination of parental rights, she was living in a residential treatment center and so that's when we met and were matched. Right from the get-go my daughter didn't want to be adopted. She hated me and wanted to kill me. So that was kind of how we began our early years. It took a long time to even just be able to be together. She was not ready to trust anybody and to take any steps towards someone. So I had to work really hard on being a safe person, letting her go at her own pace and letting it happen.

[Mina Pinckney: Resource Parent] When I got him at 10 years old, I was explaining things to him, I said, "Well, you got to trust me." He said, "Trust you, I don't know you." And that made a lot of sense.

[Jennifer Rhodes: Foster Care Alumna] Our relationship took some time, obviously, 'cause I wasn't just gonna walk into a foster home and just say, "Oh I trust you because I'm living with you."

[Jennifer lived in 22 foster homes, one group home, and one juvenile detention center. Found a permanent family connection at age 17.]

[Promise Adams-Brown: Foster Care Alumna] You got to put time in it, that is just, you don't just get that overnight.

[Melissa Peterson] It would have been crazy for her to trust me and want the relationship because adults had failed her many, many times for many years.

[Vivianna Castillo-Royal: Foster Care Alumna] When people try to get to know me, there's like five walls they're gonna hit. It's gonna be me being like dismissive of them, me being angry with them, me not wanting them around, me purposely ignoring them. And when I know someone really wants to get to know me, they're gonna keep hitting that wall until I let it come down. And my parents did that.

[Vivianna found a permanent family connection at age 17]

[Heather Forbes: Author and Developmental Trauma Therapist, the Beyond Consequences Institute] A lot of follow-through, a lot of consistency, a lot of predictability and you just hold strong and you know what eventually, your kids will get it. Eventually, they'll let down that wall. Eventually, they'll be able to start building that trust again.

[Vivianna Castillo-Royal] My dad was the one who was kinda like, "I'm at this door and you're gonna open it and I'm not leaving." And he made sure that I knew that he wasn't leaving. He told me everyday that he loved me. He told me every day that I was his kid. 

[Lena Wilson: Vice President, Child and Family, Samaritas]  So relationship with a child is very important. First of all, the relationship helps to build trust with this kid. And this youth will feel safe because we're gonna make the most progress with this youth when they, one, feel safe, safe with you, safe with themselves, safe in their environment.

[Melissa Peterson] I had to give her time, to see over and over and over and over again that I'm safe, that I care, that I do what I say I'm gonna do. 

[Donulus Schantz: Resource Parent] Our teenagers, they want to know everything that's going on. They want the truth, the raw truth, it hurts, it's painful. I'm going to cry, but you were honest with me. And that's what they look for, is that, the honesty.

[J. Stuart Ablon: Director, Think:Kids, Massachussetts General Hospital; Associate Professor, Harvard Medical School] Be honest. You know, I think this population of kids one of the things they, that means the most for them, is when they really can trust that you are telling them the truth. And if you've messed up, telling them that you messed up, that's the truth. 

[Heather Forbes] So trust and attachment go hand in hand. 
 
[J. Stuart Ablon] When you can build a relationship with a kid who has good reason to distrust adults, it's enormously fulfilling. 

[Announcer] Trust is the foundation of relationship. What protects that relationship is commitment. To build relationship, resource parents will need to practice four habits of interaction, being present, attentiveness, attunement and responsiveness.

[Silhouette of a house divided into six equal sections from bottom to top. At the bottom is Trust. At the top is Commitment. The middle sections, from bottom to top, are: Being Present, Attentiveness, Attunement, and Responsiveness.]

[Bruce D. Perry: Senior Fellow, ChildTrauma Academy; Adjunct Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Northwestern University] The truth is, it is present, attentive, attuned and responsive, are also the four, sort of core characteristics of a good therapist, a good parent, a good supervisor, a good teacher. 

[House with "Being Present" highlighted]

[Announcer] We begin with being present. 

[Bruce D. Perry] Being present in and of itself has a powerful, powerful, positive effect.

[Samantha Coleman Forton: Foster Care Alumna] I mean, like if I had been crying and then you come in and I stopped crying, don't just, because I am not talking, because I'm not crying in that moment, don't just leave. Don't do that, it could be the worst thing you can do, stay. I remember in a few different situations, I had said, "Go away, leave me alone," things like that. Things that an average kid will say, but foster kids aren't average kids. Like we wanna be treated as average kids but the fact of the matter is, we're not. So just having someone sit there, just having someone look at you.

[Samantha entered foster care at age 6; Adopted 30 days before her 18th birthday.]

[Bruce D. Perry] Just being present is incredibly powerful. And there'll be times when the person who's in this intense state of either post-traumatic grieving or healing from trauma wants to be next to you but they don't wanna talk about it. They just wanna, they like you present. 

[Samantha Coleman Forton] Knowing that there is somebody that's willing to just sit here with me while I go through my stuff by myself, is powerful. It can help a lot.

[Suzanne Cross: Associate Professor Emeritus, Michigan State University School of Social Work] You don't really need to even say anything sometimes, you just need to be there and be present. 

[Jennifer Rhodes] I think that there's a balancing act of a foster parent being too invasive, but also being too absent. When you have teenagers coming into your home that have dealt with so much trauma, sometimes they wanna be left alone but sometimes we wanna be checked on too. It's, it really is just a balancing act of making sure that you build a relationship. Just help us know that we're valued somewhere, that you're not gonna kick us out if we mess up one time.

[Bruce D. Perry] Being present is important but you need to be present, and instead of being face-to-face, be parallel. And if you're present and parallel, what happens is, these kids, even though you may have had all kinds of, sort of problems with closeness, emotional or relational closeness, these kids still long to be connected. 

[Jennifer Rhodes] With Carol, for example, if I had been in my room all day, she might encourage me to come out and help make dinner. She'd be like, "Do you wanna come make dinner with me?" Well, sure, like that's something I like, I love to cook so let's do that together. And then she would just be like, you know, slowly asking questions.

[Melissa Peterson] Yeah, we'd play, we did a lot of play, which is really key. If I read to her a story, she would sit behind me over my shoulder. We'd read this way so she didn't feel me looking at her or that was too intense, so I would do it over my shoulder and, uh, we'd read those favorite stories over and over.

[Nancy Stone: Resource Parent] I found that boys liked to talk, if you're driving. So I would turn off the, I would just turn off the radio. I never had the radio on the car because we never agreed on the music anyway, so, and I would not talk. And so they would start talking to fill that quiet and I would listen. 

[Bruce D. Perry] So what you have to be is patient, while you're parallel and give them the opportunity to choose when and how to become intimate. 

[Alysha Kostyshyn: Foster Care Alumna] Don't force the kid to, like talk about something they don't wanna talk about because like that's something that they personally have been through and they don't quite feel open to talk to you yet. So kind of like let them warm up to you and like kinda let that flower bloom. 

[Bruce D. Perry] Be patient, let them come to you. And then when they do come to you, resist the temptation to use too many words. 

[Melissa Peterson] I always say my best parenting advice is, shut up and do nothing. Now, people don't like that advice but really, we talk too much. And for kids who have trauma histories in particular, when they're dysregulated, they're not hearing anymore. So just shut up and listen, observe, be curious. 

[Nicole Pauling: Resource Parent] And then you use your active listening skills. 

[Mina Pinckney] You have to listen what they're saying. 

[Nicole Pauling] When you let them talk, they're gonna tell you what you need to know and you build the relationship from there. 

[Bruce D. Perry] And of course, in order to do that, you kind of have to be persistent. You have to be willing to do this again and again and again and again because you need to get sufficient repetitions for them to develop the skillset. 

[Being Present: Parallel, Patient, Persistent]

(upbeat music)

[Announcer] These characteristics of patience and persistence will help resource parents weather the inevitable wait for those good feelings that come from a reciprocal relationship. 

[Caelan Soma: Director, National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children] Sometimes there's not a real strong serve and return between a resource parent and their child. So when we're raising a neuro-typical child and we look at them lovingly, to our eight-year-old sweet daughter and we say, "Hey, Mar, let's go upstairs and cuddle up in your bed and read a story." They're gonna look at you and say, "That's great, I wanna be with you." That gives the parent or the caregiver, feelings of goodness and love and connection and belonging. If a resource parent is asking their eight-year-old in their household to do the same, they may get a response that is anything but, "Sure, I'd love to do this." And it's everything related to, "I don't like you. You're not my mom. I hate books. I hate stories." And they might rip the book in half. So the serve and return becomes just a serve, right? You're not getting that reciprocal interaction. What resource parents need to be ready for, is that they have to do a whole lot of serving sometimes before they get the return. And I think what resource parents need to know, is that it's okay to not always get it right but to continue to make bids to connect, to continue to serve, right, just that, is delivering and helping to develop a neuronal pathway in the brain of that child. Because that child is seeing and they're experiencing over and over and over again, is that even if I'm being kind of a jerk to this person that keeps serving me the ball, they keep serving me the ball. Because it's not about the behavior. 

[House with "Attentiveness" highlighted]

[Announcer] The next building block of relationship development is attentiveness. 

[Bruce D. Perry] Attentive means that you're sort of monitoring the person in a way that you're not prejudging. 

[Melissa Peterson] And when I would visit her and she'd begin to rage, I'd just go sit in a chair in the corner and I would just say, "When you're ready to visit, just come let me know, I'm gonna read a book over here for awhile." And every now and then she'd tried to engage me in something negative. I'm like, "Oh, I can see you're not ready for the visit, just let me know when you're ready," and I'd go back to reading. And eventually she just inch closer and closer together you know, about an hour in, and then I would say, "I'll know you're ready when you sit in this chair by me, we'll go do whatever," and she'd sit over there. And I say, "Oh, you're getting closer but I can see you're still not ready, when you're ready let me know." And I would just read some more and eventually she plopped down, "What are we gonna do?" I say, "oh," and so off we go. 

[Debbie Schugg] There's core things that happen to our kids when they have trauma, when they're very young and their needs are not met, that come out as really obnoxious, defiant adolescent behavior. So it's really upon us as the parents to look at what's the unmet need there. And let's not get all caught up in the surface behavior, let's look at what the need is. Because if we can figure out what the need is, then we can meet that need in a healthier way and then the behaviors actually dissipate on their own.

[Kayla VanDyke, Foster Care Alumna: Youth Engagement Coordinator, North American Council on Adoptable Children] There is a lot of really subtle communication that I think you need to be able to pick up on in a situation where someone has a trauma background, or someone has more needs than the average child or even just like the normal teenager stuff. If you're responding from a consequence model like off the bat, when something goes wrong, if you're prone to yelling, if you are prone to using punitive measures, you're gonna damage the relationship before it can ever even start. 

[Kayla found a permanent family connection in her final foster placement at age 15.]

[Heather Forbes] So that's when I see parents able to shift their focus from behavior to relationship. That ultimately, the behaviors do get changed but what they have on top of that is a strong, loving, emotionally safe relationship that can go for years beyond that. 

[Samantha Coleman Forton] I remember people thinking I wasn't listening, so they would just stop talking. But really, I wanted them to think that I wasn't listening because it's a little trick us foster kids learn, that if they're talking to you about something, then if you pretend not to listen, they'll stop talking. They'll stop trying to create this connection with you in that moment. So you won't have to worry about, "Hey, if I say this, will they think that I'm too comfortable with them and maybe leave or withdraw from me" or things like that.

[Caelan Soma] When we really take a step back and look at what this child's private logic is, their behaviors begin to make a whole lot of sense. So that's the detective work, not so much about the details of what happened, but how this child views themself and others and the world as a result of what happened. 

[Nancy Stone] Another thing was not having to know everything. I didn't need to know everything that had happened to them. I didn't need to know everything they needed because I'm not the one that can fix it all. The reality is, while they are broken in some ways, they don't need to be fixed. They are who they are. And my job truly was to empower them and encourage them and to love them. 

[Caelan Soma] It's that constant, consistent, "I'm gonna love you no matter what, because I know that your behavior has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what you've experienced early." 

[Nicole Pauling] So, yes, you broke a drawer. Yes, you slammed the door so hard that the window broke. Yes, you kicked the dog in a fit of anger. But I still know that at the core of who you are, you are not those things. Those things are just behaviors that are saying, I have this need that's not being met, or I have this feeling, I don't know how to properly express. And so what you do is you step back from the behavior, and this is hard because your door is broken and your window is broken and there is glass on the floor and you have to clean it up. And you know that child is up there cussing you out, okay? So it's really hard to step back but you step back and you go, okay, this child is still lovable. This child still needs me. This child still is worthy of care. This child is still so hurt inside.

[Heather Forbes] You have to just say to yourself, "It's not about me. It's not about me." So when that child is, and that's hard 'cause that child is gonna look you dead in the eyes, they're gonna point their finger at you and say, "You are an F'n B!" and all the profanity comes out. And it's very directed to you as a parent and you have to sit there and go, it's not about me. 

[House with "Attunement" highlighted]

[Melissa Peterson] Attunement, you can give probably a dictionary definition, but for me it really has to do with listening. Listening to words, behaviors behind the message, observing. 

[Vivianna Castillo-Royal] My dad can read me like a magazine, so I could walk in the room and he'll be like, "You're upset, what do you need?" And I hate that he can do it but I'm really glad that he can 'cause I can't come forth and express my own feelings sometimes.

[Darla L. Henry: President, Darla L. Henry & Associates] If it's your own children and you've nurtured your children from birth, you know your children pretty well. If you're a resource parent, it's a crapshoot. You don't know, you're guessing. And so you guess and sometimes it's like, "Oh, okay, that worked." You got a response that they kind of indicated that was helpful. You do it the second time, they don't give the same response, why? Because they have not grown up in a consistent nurturing environment.

[Bruce D. Perry] And then that's where attunement comes in, right? And so if the child throws out, "Hey, do you wanna play Legos?" If your interpretation is, he just wants to play. And he's old enough to play on his own and I got a million things to do. And I'm gonna say, "No, you need to do your homework. And I'm gonna go off and get dinner ready." You're kind of missing out on an opportunity. You're not as attentive and attuned to them as you should be. They don't really wanna play Legos, they wanna be with you. And it may be that they wanna be with you because somebody made fun of them at school. And they know that whenever you play Legos, you ultimately end up talking about stuff. This is where, if you can be present, fully present with the child when there's this process of attentive, attuned, responsive interaction going on, if you can kinda put everything to the side and be with them, these little moments of joy are incredible fuel. They can help you get through all kinds of future challenges. And it sticks. 

[Announcer] Attentive parenting calls for observation. Attuned parenting requires interpretation. Responsive parenting is all about action. This is where resource parents practice empathy, demonstrate acceptance, and offer relationship on the young person's terms. 

[Heather Forbes] When a resource parent has a teenager coming through their home, they have a whole history. And most of their history is with parents who have not been able to give them what they need and to love them. And many of their parents actually hurt them physically, emotionally, sexually, all the above. So when you then, now, are going to be the quote "parent" of this teenager, their opinion is, "No, you're not. Nobody's in charge of me." And I think we have to respect that, they are teenagers, they do need guidance, they do need parenting in a way though, that is more of a coaching way so that you can say, "You know what? My role in your life is not to replace your parent, my role is to help you build the self-esteem, build the confidence, build the awareness that you'll need in your next stage of life. And that's really my role here." 

[House with "Responsiveness" highlighted]

[Announcer] Responsive parents meet youth where they are. 

[Mina Pinckney] They're children, they come with emotional, mental and physical damage. So first you have to meet a child where they are, just because they are 10 or 12, don't mean emotionally they are 10 and 12. I've had children come to me, they may be 15 years of age but yet, emotionally, they're five and six. So I had to meet them where they were and nurture that up to where they should be. 

[Bruce D. Perry] If you are growing up in an environment where there's neglect, chaos, threat, abuse, your development is going to be different than a child who didn't have that. And one of the major ways that it's different is that a lot of capabilities, social, emotional, cognitive, they get delayed.

[J. Stuart Ablon] So we've gotta manage our expectations of these kids. And we've got to work with them in a way that is appropriate, based upon where they are, not their chronological age, the number you see, but where their skills are. 

[Melissa Peterson] With this child I've to let go of all that other stuff. It doesn't matter if she can clean her room. It doesn't matter if she can make her bed. If she eats all the right foods or not, that can't matter. It's that, is her mental health stable and can she somehow connect with me, can I be that safe place for the rest of her life, no matter what happens? And so changing my parenting goal really made a big difference.

[Nicole Pauling] She raged and she screamed and then she would break down and cry and climb into my lap. And she was 13. But what she really needed was someone who cared and loved her unconditionally, that's unconditional positive regard, "You scream, baby, I understand. Your life sucks. It's not fair." 

[Mina Pinckney] 
They have to know they matter. You have to validate them. 

[Lena Wilson]  And I think validating that they have a right to be upset and that it's okay for them to feel angry and that it's okay for them to feel hurt. It is okay that they still love their parents. It's okay that you were used to taking care of your siblings and you are just so angry right now because you don't know what's going on with them because we put them in a different home from yours. That gives them permission to heal. 

[Nicole Pauling] And when you go at a place of love and compassion and understanding, then your interactions are gonna change, how you parent is gonna change, and how they respond to you is gonna change. And it makes all the difference. 

[Announcer] Responsive parents don't probe or pry but they make themselves available for a young person who wants to talk. 

[Suzanne Cross] Once the child begins to trust the parent they will sometimes want to talk about the experiences that they've had while they were with their biological parents, which is oftentimes a horrific account of what happened to them. And so the resource parent needs to be able to listen and not judge. 

[Darla L. Henry] The most powerful thing any parent can do is listen, without interjecting, without questioning, without giving opinions, without giving advice, but just to listen and to affirm feelings connected to the experience. It's ugly. It's messy. It's scary. You wonder if it's true. Doesn't matter, whatever the story is at that time, you want to just listen.

[Alysha Kostyshyn] Be like, "Hey, I wanna listen to your story. And I wanna listen to everything. And I wanna know what's going on so I can make it better for you."

[Suzanne Cross] I think it's important to remind them that you're away from that now and you're in a safe space and it will not happen in this house. The most you can give them is your ear and listen to them and sit quietly and give them some of your strength. But it's their pain, not yours, it's their experience, it's not yours.

[Darla L. Henry] You're there, you're present, you listen, you affirm the feelings. You can't fix it, you don't wanna fix it, they fix it. We all do our own grief work. 

[Debbie Schugg] It's okay for them to know that you're mad that that happened, that you're sad that that happened but the message has to be, "I can handle whatever you bring and there's nothing you can tell me that's gonna make me love you any less. There's nothing that we can't handle 'cause we're strong enough to handle whatever you've got." Because we want the children to understand that they are completely accepted, not just the good parts, not just the parts since you came to live with me but all of you and your history and everything that happened to you, there's nothing so ugly that is gonna change the way I feel about you. 

[Announcer] Responsive parents recognize and accept their children as they are. 

[Shane Read: Foster Care Alumnus] I'm an LGBT youth. I identify as a transgender male and they did not really see eye to eye with that. It didn't come up too much other than around like prom time and haircuts, I did it, they don't want me to have a Mohawk but I got it anyways. They didn't want me to get tattoos but I got three while I was there. But prom was probably the biggest issue. The words said to me by them were, "If you wear a tux to prom you will be, you'll be an embarrassment to our family." And that like really hurt, it made me not wanna be there anymore. 

[Shane lived in foster homes and juvenile detention facilities since age 11.]

[Jessie Fullenkamp] I would want parents or anyone who is helping raise an LGBTQ child to know how powerful they are, how important they are in that child's life. 

[Monica Sampson: Behavioral Health Director, Ruth Ellis Center] Children, no matter how old they are or how young they are, always want the parental acceptance, and they need that to thrive and to persevere. And if you show just a little bit of supporting behaviors towards your child, that could save their life. 

[Jessie Fullenkamp: Director of Education and Evaluation, Ruth Ellis Center] It's very clear that children need unconditional positive regard, along with clear boundaries and accountability and space to be heard. 

[Shane Read] I wanted someone to actually see me for who I was. 

[Monica Sampson] Allowing them to be comfortable and be who they are and still loving them and letting them know, "Wow, I can do this and you're still gonna love me." And that's important because that love and acceptance is all a child needs and wants. 

(upbeat music)

[Xena Wildman-Hanlon: Adopted at age 5] Every foster kid needs someone who's gonna stay. And it's hard for us to build the relationships because everything just gets taken out from under us and it's hard. 

[Xena was separated from siblings in care.]

[Heather Forbes] Giving up is never an option. It's just not an option for these children because everybody else has given up on them. 

[Vivianna Castillo-Royal] I did everything that I could to get them just to hate me and they wouldn't do it. Like I could tell that they were like disgruntled by what I was doing but they just wouldn't kick me out. They wouldn't let me leave. And so it would be like, I would just do a bunch of illegal things and cause fights at school, get suspended. They just wouldn't let me leave. 

[Caelan Soma] One of the strongest predictors of a characteristic of resilience is having one adult who cares about you unconditionally, no matter what your behavior, no matter what your temperament, no matter how many times you tell them where to go.

[Nicole Pauling] And that does not mean that you have to make me feel good about myself. And it does not mean that you have to love me back, my job as the parent is to love you. 

[Devon Jenkins] Don't give up, I think that's the most important thing. My foster care experience was amazing. And if they would ever given up on me, who knows where I would be? If they would've said, well, Devon's a waste of our time and he'll never be successful, where would I be? 

[Melissa Peterson] Really, it took about six years before she started making a connection with me. And it was about eight years before, I'm hearing, "I love you." And I was feeling shocked all the time, it was setting me off. I was getting all this affection, I'm like, I just, it took about a year before it felt right because I wasn't used to it. But I got the reward of focusing on relationship, I got relationship. To have someone love you who shouldn't, is beautiful.

[J. Stuart Ablon] You'll never be loved in your life ever, like a child loves you, is capable of loving you. And a child who you didn't think had that in them, when they show that to you and you're the one who's on the receiving end of that, there's nothing more powerful. 

(upbeat music)

[Title Card: Developing Relationship]

[CORE Teen logo]