Lunch and Learn: Trauma Sensitive Youth Violence Prevention [Slide: Anne & Henry Zarrow School of Social Work Continuing Education The University of Oklahoma VIRTUAL CE: Trauma Sensitive Youth Violence Prevention Tuesday, March 5th, 2024 TODAY'S SESSION WILL BE RECORDED Copies of the recording and presentation materials will be available on the Resource Database at the link below. Resource Database: https://bit.ly/49CqeQQ] [Caitlynn Land] Hello everyone. I want to welcome everyone today to our Lunch and Learn. This Lunch and Learn is being brought to you by collaboration between Oklahoma Human Services, University of Oklahoma Anne and Henry Zarrow School of Social Work, and the Oklahoma Adoption Competency Network. We appreciate everyone joining during your lunch-noon hour. I wanna go ahead and get started to make sure to respect everyone's time and the great information being discussed today. First, let us go over a couple of housekeeping rules for our time together this afternoon. We are recording this meeting. By participating, you are giving your consent to be recorded. Go ahead and help us reduce, reduce distractions so that we can all focus and participate. We have muted everyone to make it possible for everyone to hear the speakers. We want you to express your thoughts and questions, so please utilize the chat for this purpose. We will monitor the chat and questions will be touched upon during our Q&A time during the last 15 minutes of the webinar. We want to see you, so if you're willing and you can please turn on your video. If you're unable to, that is fine also. To receive information about other post-adoption events, please list your name and email in the chat and we'll make sure to add you to our contact list. Remember, confide-- confidentiality. It is vital that we protect confidential information, so we will not share specifics such as names, details, et cetera, about adoption cases, people or children. CEUs are now available to professionals for this training. Foster parents attending this training will also receive one hour of training credit for the 12 hours of in-service training that you need each year. Please indicate in the chat if you would like to claim this CEU by posting your name and email. We will send it, we will send you a certification of attendance and participation. Now I'm gonna go ahead and hand everything off to Heather today, who is today's host. [Heather Cristiano] Good afternoon. Thank you all. This is my first time, um, doing this type of event, so please bear with me if I, um, end up having some issues. Can everyone see the, uh, PowerPoint? Is that a no? Is that a yes? No. [Participant, off-screen] Uh, no. We can't see that at the moment. [Caitlynn] I don't see it. Yeah. [Heather] Okay. Well, it's... Share. What about now? [Caitlynn] Yeah, we can. [Title Slide: Trauma Sensitive Youth Violence Prevention Heather Christiano] [Heather] Okay, perfect. So my name is Heather Christiano. I'm the Program Manager for School-Based Services for DHS. I am by no means a mental health expert or, um, licensed counselor, so I will not be giving any kind of mental health advice. My experience is 21 years at DHS through childcare licensing, adoptions and foster care, and school-based program. And my, um, background is in child development and human development, family science. Um, I'm also a mother of a teenage daughter, so I feel like that gives me some firsthand knowledge of some of the issues that arise for our youth today. Um, and so I wanted to put together a quick overview of what some bullying behaviors look like through a trauma-informed lens. Please remember that many schools and communities have bullying prevention programs and make sure that you reach out to your particular area to see what they have available for you. If you can't find help in your area, please reach out to your post-adoptions worker or you can reach me. I have my contact information at the end, and we can try to find, um, resources to help you with your youth and family. [Slide: Objectives] [Heather] So the objectives of today are: to define bullying through a lens of trauma informed care, identify some behaviors that can be classified as bullying, define roles of bullying behavior, risk factors for bullying behavior, and then identify some potential triggers specifically for adopted youth. Um, and then provide maybe some trauma-informed language to utilize in the bullying discussions and some strategies around bullying behavior. And at any time, please, um, interject with a question or, or a comment or a question in the chat, whatever you're comfortable with, and I'm sure Caitlynn's gonna help me monitor that for anything. [Slide: What is Bullying Is any unwanted aggressive behavior by a youth or group of youths that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated. What is Bullying Through Trauma Lens? Many children have experienced trauma, and that trauma sometimes manifests itself through bullying behaviors as a survival skill, as a coping skill to handle pain or as a way to assert control] [Heather] Um, okay. So what is bullying? Bullying is not just a conflict between children. It's intentional behavior that hurts, harms, or humiliates another person. It's typically repeated and targeted in its approach. And remember that, um, bullying is not, that anyone can bully, right? But typically the children who bully lack empathy, compassion, understanding of others' feelings. They may have underdeveloped social skills, they crave control, or sometimes they lack awareness that the behavior that they're doing is perceived as bullying. So think about the children who are in your homes or that you work with, and they're coming from situations -- this is targeted towards the adopted youth, um, and foster care youth. They are coming from situations where they may have witnessed negative or maladaptive behaviors. They've witnessed conflict or neglect, and that's forced that child to develop skills to survive. And once those skills are learned, it can be more challenging to change them because they become habit. So if we take a trauma-informed-lens approach to honor that they developed those skills as a coping mechanism to survive, but now they're in a safe environment and they no longer need them, and you are there to help them learn more positive and success-oriented skills. So it's, we need to honor that that maladaptive behavior had a reason, but now we need to help them understand that we can help them change those behaviors into more positive, goal-oriented. [Slide: What is Bullying Through An Adoption Competent Lens? Many adopted children have experienced trauma and loss. The addition of grief from loss of biological family, culture of origin, familiar foods, friends, school and loss of community can add additional stressors that could develop into negative behavior patterns if not redirected into positive coping strategies. Children who are adopted may have a range of psychological issues such as violent tantrums, depression, anxiety or other maladaptive behaviors. Remember that while adoption is a wonderful thing, it is also a time of grieving the known for many children. Remaining calm, compassionate and supportive as they work through grief, guilt and/or anger at the situation.] [Heather] So, whoops, went too far. So I guess I did not, so I did a specific slide for what is bullying through an adoption competent lens. I have, um, I did adoptions for about six years, and I was honored to be a part of those families' journeys and getting permanency and a, and a forever home connection to their, um, for their youth. But we need to remember that many adopted children have experienced trauma and loss, and the research shows us that adopted children are more likely to have issues at school due to many of those factors such as that history of adversity. They may be acquiring a new language or they might have difficulty trying to meet academic standards while undergoing a very intense emotional process, such as that recovery from adversity or navigating a new family dynamic. We need to honor the fact that they are experiencing grief from loss of either a biological family, maybe a culture of origin, familiar foods, friends, schools, and a loss of community. Those are all added stressors that can develop into negative behavior patterns if we don't redirect it into positive coping strategies. And children who are adopted may have a greater risk at more, um, psychological issues such as violent tantrums or depression, anxiety or other maladaptive behaviors. Adoption is an amazing thing, but it's also a time of grieving and loss for many children. So it's our goal and our responsibility as the adults in that youth's family to remain calm and compassionate and supportive as they work through grief. They may even have guilt because they're happy now and they feel they should be sad, or maybe just anger at the situation because they've been through a tough time and it's okay for them to be angry. So our adopted youth experience greater numbers of learning problems or special education needs because they're dealing with so much and we need to have compassion and care around the language and the conversations that we have with them. [Slide: What does that data say? Bullying is common. Some youth experience bullying more than others - Nearly 40% of HS students who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and 33% of those who were not sure of their sexual identify compared to 22% of heterosexual students were either bullied at school or electronically. - Close to 30% of female HS students compared to 19% of male students were bullied at school or electronically - Nearly 29% of White HS students compared to 19% of Hispanic and 18% of Black students were bullied Bullying is a frequent discipline problem. - Almost 14% of public schools report that bullying is a discipline problem occurring daily or at least once a week. - Reports of bullying are highest in middle schools (28%), followed by high schools (16%), combined schools (12%), and primary schools (5%) 1 in 5 high school students reported being bullied at school in the last year. More than 1 in 6 high school students reported being cyberbullied in the last year.] [Heather] So let's talk about the data. The CDC, you can go to CDC.gov, you can type in violence, prevention, bullying, whatever you want, and you'll come up with some great resource materials. Um, but the data unfortunately shows us that bullying is common and some youth experience it more often than others. And specifically targeting the, the statist-- let me try to talk again. The statistics show that nearly 40% of youths who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and 33% of those who are unsure of their sexual identity are more likely to get bullied at school, either at school or electronically, than heterosexual students. Close to 30% of female high school students, as compared to 19% of males were bullied at school or electronically. And believe it or not, nearly 29% of white high school students as compared to 19% of Hispanic or 18% of black students are bullied. It is a frequent discipline problem, almost 14%. And this might be greatly underrated because it's under-reported or unacknowledged. More than 14% of public schools report that bullying is a discipline problem that occurs daily or at least once a week. Bullying is highest in middle school. 28% of the reports come from middle schools, then high schools, then combined schools, and then primary schools. So remember that one in five high school students reported being bullied in the last year, and more than one in six students, high school students, report being cyber bullied in the last year. And we know that bullying can result in physical injury, social and emotional distress, self harm, and even death. It also increases chances of depression, anxiety, sleep issues, lower academic achievement, and dropping out. Youth who bully are at an increased re-- risk for substance misuse, academic problems, and experiencing violence later in adolescent or adulthood. Those who bully others and are bullied themselves suffer the most serious consequences and are at greater risk for mental health issues and behavior problems. So remember, you can't identify as one or the other. Sometimes it's a mixture of all different circumstances. [Slide: Typical Bullying Behaviors] [Heather] So what are some typical behaviors that are associated with bullying? It's, it's the direct behaviors that we, we talk about: the physical aggression, the aggressive communication, the taunting, threats, pushing, hitting, but it's also indirect behaviors that are not directly communicated to that targeted person, but still designed to hurt them, such as rumors or excluding from activities. Increasingly, the form of bullying experience is relational bullying through electronic aggression. Social is-- isolation can occur through spreading rumors, posting embarrassing images, disclosing someone's personal information in a public forum, assuming someone's identity in, in order to post on their behalf or send messages with the intent to cause harm, or sending messages to someone via a social media, media platform, text or email. And we all know that social media has many positives, but it also can be deadly to youth. Unrealistic images, concepts, experiences that are marketed to our vulnerable population of youth are all part of social media using filters and AI and other apps are a, a way not only to market unhealthy ideas and images, but also substances that can harm a person. And as the mother of a daughter, of a teenage daughter, I can tell you it is overwhelmingly difficult to navigate that because when you are a teenager, that frontal lobe is not fully formed and it's easy to get led down the path of, "This must be true because it's posted" or "This is how they look." And we have to be that center for them that that grounding for them to help them remember that those are edited images that take a little snapshot of someone's life and the best, um, moments of their life. And that's not reality because it's hard for teenagers and youth to distinguish reality from fiction. The types of bullying are typically physical, verbal, relational or electronic aggression, and can be a mixture of many of these together. [Slide: Roles in Bullying Behavior] [Heather] So there are multiple roles in bullying behavior, and I'm trying very hard to make sure that when we have conversations about bullying behavior that we are, while we have to use some defining words that we should really remember, it's important to try to avoid labeling words. So instead of saying "bullies," we should say "child who bullied," because when we use those labeling words, we can give the message that the child can't change that behavior. And it fails to recognize that there might be multiple roles that a child might play in any given situation and disregards other factors that might contribute to the behavior such as parent influence or school culture. So I'm trying very hard to help us understand that those are behaviors and not the person. The roles and bullying behavior tend to be, there's the child who bullies, but there's also the child who assists in that bullying. They might not be the direct behavior, but they might fuel the fire by having those conversations or egging that person on. And there's also the child who reinforces that behavior by saying, "You're in the right" and, "They don't know what they're talking about," and, "They shouldn't have done that," right? So they're not directly doing the behavior, but they're all helping add fuel to that fire. There's also a few other roles that are not the aggressor-type behaviors. So the outsider, and that's the crowd that watches it, but doesn't intervene. And the, there's also those kids that will defend, right? They step in and try to defend the youth that is targeted. And then there's the child who is targeted by the bullying behaviors. So in any given situation, a child can be in the aggressor role and in the next situation, they might be the child who is targeted, right? So they're, these are fluid roles that happen even within the same circumstance or in the same situation, can be fluid. And we have to remember that when we're having those conversations. [Slide: Risk factors for Youth] [Heather] So some risk factors for youth. Obviously, perceived differences are a huge deal because if we keep in mind that during adolescence, our brains are wired differently, they seek to be part of a group, right? That is one of the key components of being an adolescent is, "I have to blend in, I have to fit in, I have to be a part of a group." So any perceived differences like clothing or financial situation or size or different types of family, or I'm just new to the school, all can play a part in this risk factor for being a youth that is bullied or targeted. Low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, difficulty in getting along with others, being perceived as annoying or antagonistic, perceiving, being perceived as weak, or either is not able to or does not defend themselves. Or if they are, if they have few friends, right? We have to remember that those, like I said, those frontal lobes are not fully formed and that can lead youth to mislabel or not fully understand emotions and experiences. There is, I did a, a training, um, several years ago about the adolescent brain. And it was really remarkable because, um, they did a sort of study, they showed a study that they showed, especially teen boys, the pic-- different pictures of facial expressions of emotions. And overwhelmingly the teen boys identified that as anger or aggression. And, and it could have been surprised, it could have been disappointment, but they are not really able to see all the nuanced differences in facial expressions or body language or emotions sometimes because their brains just aren't quite there yet, right? So they also don't have that long-term consequential thinking. So they are living in the moment and they can't think that, "What I'm doing right now might have lifelong implications for later in life." That's for us. Frontal lobes are not fully developed until, I say at least 25, right? And sometimes later, depending on if there's been trauma, and most of our youth have trauma. There's also growth in the cerebellum, which is why they, their body can be awkward and that can add to that risk factor of being different. They have a different circadian rhythm than you, than children and adults. Their circadian rhythm sets about their, uh, about an hour after adults and, and, uh, children. So that means that's why they wanna stay up later because their melatonin hasn't really like, clicked in their brain quite yet, but they need sleep. Our adolescents need at least nine hours of sleep a night to get all of that growth in. There's also myelin growth that's occurring, which the most active times in the, in the brain are early edu-- early childhood and, and adolescence, because in early childhood they're making those connections, right? But in adolescence, those things that they do repeatedly, those, say they're in sports, so they're in baseball. Those skills, those connections that they need to have those skills become stronger and quicker because they do it all the time, repeatedly. And what they're not using, say it's a foreign language or painting, those connections start to get pruned away. So all of this brain development is going on. And to add to that beautiful pot of crazy, right, they have this belief that's called the imaginary audience. And that belief is that you are always being watched and judged. And let's be really frank, with social media today, that's kind of true. It's a, a lot harder than when I was a youth, and we didn't have that because you might have a really embarrassing situation and it's over because only a few people remember, and only a few people saw it. But now all of their missteps and their successes are on social media for all to see all the time. They're also dealing with that big question of "Who am I?" Right? They're trying to figure out who are they in relation to, their gender, their role, what they wanna be in their life, what's their role in the family? And then we add in our, our adopted youth and our foster youth. And that's an even bigger question for them because they have to figure out new family dynamics and new family culture. And all of these brain changes really heighten that human belief that we all kind of carry. And that's a fallacy, which is, "I can control how others see me." That's really important for a lot of people. And we have to be okay with the fact that we don't get to control how others see us. That is not within our sphere of influence and help our youth understand that we can put our best foot forward and we can be true and authentic to ourselves, but we can't control how someone else acts, believes or what they say, right? And that I know a lot of adults that struggle with that too. If that weren't enough for our poor youth, moral development is also occurring, right? And they tend to be in that sort of level two, which is conventional moral development, which, simply put is, "Right and wrong depends on public opinion," right? They wanna be a part of that group. So my version of right and wrong depends on what my group decides is right and wrong. And eventually, as they grow and mature, that shifts into, "Right and wrong depends on what is actually best for society." And it's less about influence. [Slide: Signs Youth are being bullied] [Heather] So what are some signs that youth are being bullied? Remember, it's a complex phenomenon because we are complex human beings and it can be difficult to understand. But recognizing some of these signs may help you become aware and open yourself to some conversation, right? So if you see a new or increased anxiety, if you see behavior changes, more easily upset or more moody, if appetite changes, if sleep patterns change, or they lose interest in activities or things that they used to enjoy, these are all signs that you need to pay attention to. Something is up. We also need to recognize that unhealthy relationships and recognizing those signs to help them create healthy relationships is a key way to stopping escalation of violent behavior, right? And so what are some unhealthy relationship signs? Well, an unfair power dynamic, right? One person has all the control. If one person is monitoring or clocking, keeping tabs on that other person: "Where you at?" "What you doing? Who you doing it with? Share your location with me," right? Disrespect. So making fun of or talking about someone behind their back, if that bullying behavior, that's, that's an unhealthy relationship, right? Harassment, which is simply put, unwanted, unwelcome and uninvited behavior that makes someone else uncomfortable. Power imbalance and social status. So if one is more popular than the other, that can cause a power imbalance. If there's a group of children, there's gonna be different cultures within that group, right? It doesn't have to be ethnic culture, it can be family culture, it can be community culture. But if there's a dominant culture group and a non-dominant culture group, the dominant culture group that disrespects or devalues that non-dominant culture group, that's an unhealthy relationship. Or treating a friend in a way that hurts them and that you don't stop when asked. Those are all signs of unhealthy relationships. And remember, relationship means connection with someone else. It's not necessarily a romantic relationship. This can be a friendship. This can be a team, this can be a group or a club, or just a group of friends. [Slide: Prevention Tips for Adopted Youth] [Heather] So how do we prevent bullying? Well, we don't prevent it, but we can definitely put some measures in place to help our youth not necessarily be the targets of bullying or, or have a more positive adaptation to it, right? So one of the best ways to prevent a child, uh, an adopted child from being a target is making sure your child is comfortable with their situation before someone else can make them uncomfortable. Have those conversations about the adoption and their place in the family and help them feel comfortable and confident in where they're at. Help your child by instilling pride. It can be racial pride, cultural pride, self pride, whatever it is if, especially in, in a mixed race family, helping them understand, um, in our family, I am, uh, native American and Caucasian. So helping my child understand her Native American culture along with her Caucasian culture is really important for us to have a self identity and to be proud of our identity, right? And offer that support. Talk to your child about how to handle those who bully and don't let them deal with the situation by themselves. Deflate the power of that bully by practicing open, honest conversation and cyber safety. If you are open with your child about that topic, you're gonna show your child that you are a safe person to talk to about anything and that you are truly interested in them and what happened in their day. Make sure you're not minimizing their concerns and that you're taking them seriously. That will help them feel confident that together you can work on any issue that arises. Encourage friendships with other youth to combat feelings of isolation and give them a support system at school or in the community when you're not around. Establish a routine. This helps that youth feel more safe and secure and allows you the ability to monitor more closely to see if anything is out of the ordinary. And one of the biggest things is model how to treat others. Remember, children are always watching how you treat others, how you navigate life's aggravations, and how you self-regulate, teaches your children how to navigate their world. In the battle between "what I say" and "what I do," "what I do" always wins, always. [Slide: How to talk to your youth] [Heather] So I've said talk. How do you talk to your youth? How do you talk to your youth? Right? Remember to be calm, non-judgmental -- judgmental, and open with your conversation. Talk with your youth, not to them. Use words they can understand. Tell them the empathy of it all, right? When you do that, that can make others feel sad. And then talk about behaviors they could use instead of bullying. Do an objective assessment. Listen more than talk. Ask your youth questions. How do you, how do you think it feels when others, when they're bullying, how does it feel when they bully others? How do you think others feel when you're bullying them? Why do you choose to bully? Talk to them about reasons why people choose to bully others. I, and that comes back to that conversation of, "You've learned some skills that helped you survive, and I'm so proud of you for that. However, you are safe now. So let's find, find ways to make positive connections and positive skills." Be open and non-judgmental so that they might feel safe to open up to you. We use positive and negative a lot. And yes, there is a, a judgmental connotation to 'em. So you can change that language to safe choices, right? Or choices that would help. You can't just talk to them, right, though. You can help them scaffold to help them reason it out. So listen to what they're saying and then gently guide them like you would an, an early childhood child. Guide them through those skill building and acknowledge when they've accomplished something. "Wow, you must, you must be so proud of yourself because this time you chose to say this instead of that, right?" Help them have a sense of self pride. It's great that we're proud of them, but that's an external reward, and we really need to make an intrinsic motivation. So help them feel pride when they make safe choices that are beneficial to others, but also write it out. Create a list of positive behaviors that they could practice that could replace those negative behaviors: "When you're upset right now, you yell and scream, I understand you're frustrated and you're angry, so let's come up with some things that you could do to show you're frustrated or to get that aggression out before we have that conversation." So when you're feeling frustrated -- and that, for youngers that might be helping them, or even some olders, it might be helping them recognize what those signs are in their body. My hands clench, my jaw clenches, my stomach tightens up, or I feel sick, like my blood pressure's spiking, my heart races. That's all signs that I have high emotion, right? When I'm feeling that high emotion, what are some things that I can do? Practice breathing techniques. Get them a meditation or a mindfulness exercise to do. Go on a walk outside with them because you believe it or not, nature is a great equalizer of, of behaviors and of emotions. And make that list when you are feeling this way, you can do these things and have that available for them. So, 'cause when we're in the moment, it's hard, it's hard to remember those positive skill building techniques. Another thing that not a lot of people are comfortable with: role play. I know it feels awkward, it feels uncomfortable sometimes, but write a script and practice with them on how to deal with different situations. Because remember, those times of stress, we default to habits we know, not new learning. So if you practice these skills when they're calm and it's calm and it's not an emotional time, it starts to become a habit. You can practice, you can do a, a role play with another trusted adult, and then ask them like, "How did you feel when we did this?" "What do you think is, you know, was worked well, worked well in that?" And then work through those feelings with them and then have that youth play some of those positive behavior roles with you. Practice does make perfect sometimes. And above all, remember, backsliding is a part of learning. So if you've done all of this work and then it's going smoothly, but then one time there's a little bump in the road and they revert back to a, a more maladaptive behavior, say, "It's okay, I get it. This was a tough time. Let's, let's problem solve and think about, let's look at how well we've done so far and let's problem solve new ways that we can do it or reinforce those ways that we've already practiced." [Slide: Strategies to minimize aggression] [Heather] Strategies to minimize aggressive behavior in others, right? So your youth is the one that's being aggressive. There are some resources available on a state level. Um, that's the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health. If you type in school-based prevention services, when you go to their website, they have a great website with some, uh, prevention tips and techniques. The Oklahoma State Department of Education website, put in bullying prevention. They have some great resources for parents and schools, um, that can start conversations. There's also national resources. I told you about the CDC. There's also, um, PACER.org that does a lot of, um, skill building and you type, can type in bullying and they have a parent section and a mental health section that helps your child and gives you some tips. I do have some handouts that I can, um, share with, uh, Sarah, and she can get out to whomever, um, on some specific resources that way as well. So remember, you're strengthening your youth skills, being engaged and warm. You're starting as early as possible. As soon as you see aggressive behavior, address it. Social-emotional learning is imperative to enhancing interpersonal and emotional skills. We are not born with emotional intelligence. We have to teach it. We have to model it. And then improving that self-awareness, understanding in social situations, avoiding risky behaviors. Youth adolescents especially are, are novelty- experience seeking, right? That's, that's what, but they also don't have that frontal lobe that helps them understand those long-term consequences. Hence the risky behaviors. Like, "I'm gonna decide to skateboard down this really long thing because it seems really cool. And that gives me an adrenaline rush." Because in our adolescent brains, our dopamine goes really low and they, they need those novel experiences to, to get that dopamine back up in our, in their brains. And giving them a capacity to resolve conflict without violence. So teaching those skills, it's really important to keep your youth connected to something and someone, right? Mentoring programs, afterschool programs, church, support groups, encouraging children to get involved in clubs or activities, sports, arts, Girl Scouts, whatever it is, like get them involved and then create those protective environments and interventions. It's not enough to have these conversations with your youth. You have to work with your school, your church, your community in order to create those safe places and to create that net that will protect the youth that they don't have to fall through the cracks. You have to have those conversations with your school. And, and it also shows your youth that you are advocating for them. And then utilizing mental health supports for children and families. We, we don't have all the answers, so reaching out to mental health professionals to get them involved is a really great way to help our youth navigate these big emotions. So pushing boundaries and experimenting with those negative uses of their power is normal for some young people. And with our guidance, they can learn to redirect that behavior and become positive leaders. Kids who do bullying behaviors need to know that unkind and hurtful behavior is against the rules and they have to face consistent, age-appropriate consequences. Don't lecture, use practice as a management tool to address those unsafe dis-- disrespectful behaviors. They're gonna tune out a lecture. But if you practice these skill-building techniques and you bring those out in those times of backsliding, that that goes a, a lot, uh, further. And then look for the reasons underneath, why your child's bullying behavior is there. And practice those skills that can help them deal with those issues in a safer way. Remember, anger is typically not, it's a, it's a symptom. It's, it's not the cause, right? Typically there's a fear or some kind of, well, typically it's a deep-rooted fear in something. So you have to get down to why they're angry and address that issue. What we practice is what we pull out in our stressful moments, and dealing with, "It's always about what I, what I do, not what I say." Dealing with the disappointment-- disappointment of not getting what you want, of having to wait your turn, feeling upset by what someone else said or did, or even understanding another person's point of view is, can be a challenging situation for many people, not just you. And calming down instead of exploding in anger are all skills that can be learned and practiced, as they become habits. There are some commonalities, even though research has shown us that children who bully come from a multitude of, um, backgrounds, right? There's many differences, but there are some common traits that they typically share. They have one or more of the following traits: they're more quick to blame others and unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions. They lack empathy, compassion, or understanding for others' feelings. They may be experiencing bullying behaviors themself, right? They might have underdeveloped social skills. And so that awkwardness leads them to lash out rather than develop those skills. Or they may not know how to develop those skills. They want to be in control. And this is critical for our youth because they have had so little control in their lives that this is a way for them to gain some kind of control. They might be frustrated, anxious, or depressed, or they might be trying to fit into a peer group that encourages bullying, where that behavior is acceptable. Or there is that ability or that non-ability to recognize their behaviors as bullying, and they believe that they're just joking around or teasing. [Slide: Strategies to help Youth who are intimidated Encourage children to speak up Empower your youth to speak up for his/herself and others. Encourage connections Get them involved in community and cultural activities. Be a safe place Be and help them build connections to safe adults who can help them in stressful times] [Heather] Those that are intimidated, we need to encourage them to speak up, right? We can't solve all of their problems for them, but we can be a safe place for them to figure it out. Encourage that real conversation about what's going on in their lives and make sure they know the resources available to them and be an advocate for them through the school, mental health services and community. Talk with them about how to handle bullies. Don't wait for an incident to occur. And know that your teen or adolescent or child may not always share what's happening, right? They might be embarrassed or not be, or be unsure of how you are going to react to what they have to say. So be aware of those behavioral signs like withdrawal, irritability, insomnia, all those things we talked about. Encourage those connections, get them involved and connected to something and be a safe place. Be and help them build connections to safe adults who can help them in stressful times. You can't be all places in all the time, so have safe adults in all of their situations for them to go to. There is a, an adoption expert. Her name is Lois Molina. And she lists four questions that parents should ask their children when they're involved with bullying. "What happened? How did that make you feel? What did you say or do when that happened?" And then, "If something like this happens again, do you think you will deal with it in the same way?" Those are all ways to help scaffold that learning for them to problem-solve these difficult situations. Arm your children with a repertoire of responses. If somebody says something hurtful to you, you can say, "Please don't talk to me that way again." "You shouldn't say that to me or anyone else." "What you say really offends me." Those are all appropriate ways to say, "No thank you." Right? Deflate a bully's power. You can talk about the fact that some people have so little self-worth that the only way they can feel good about themselves is when they are belittling, belittling others. It doesn't excuse that behavior, but it deflates that emotional impact that their remarks can have. When somebody says something to you, it's not necessarily about you, it's about them. There's an example of a 13-year-old whose name was Mike, and he was teased about being adopted. And because he had the support and was able to learn from some classmates that his "bully," and I say that in quotes, was the youngest of three brothers who, he himself got picked on a lot at home, helped Mike shift his thinking and dismiss the hurtful comments that the bully was saying to him because he saw that he was reacting in a way that he also, he saw at home, but also out of his own frustration of being the target at home. So take the emotional impact away by having those conversations. And never forget, bullying behavior, our intimidated youth are vulnerable. And 988 is available 24/7 to help anyone who's experiencing a mental health crisis. [Slide: Wrap up] [Heather] Unfortunately, there's no quick fix for those behaviors. It will take consistent, positive reinforcement of appropriate behaviors to help with those aggression issues. And working with a mental health professional, your school's child-- your child's school, and your child, in order to have those consistent boundaries, expectations, and communication will help strengthen your child's skills and lead to future success in school and life. Remember, you have to teach your child what appropriate boundaries are for themselves and others. So have those conversations with your family and friends and school and community about what are some common types of bullying? What are some of the signs you can watch for that signal your child's being bullied. What can you do if you suspect your child is bullying another child? Remember, modeling those skills, connection to friends, open honest conversation, and community are the foundations for eliminating negative behaviors. [Slide: Thank You Reach me at: Heather.Christiano@okdhs.org] [Heather] And with that, I thank you for listening to me and I hope you found something out of it that you can take with you. Um, and you can reach me at heatherchristiano@okdhs.org or you can reach out to your post-adoption specialist, um, and they can find me as well. Um, and with that, I can open it if there are any questions or if Caitlynn has any last minute. Thanks. [Caitlynn] We'll go ahead and use this time for anyone that has any questions for Ms. Heather. Um, and then after that we can wrap up. Yes, you will get certificates if you've put your email in and ask for one. Um, we'll send those out. So if you haven't done that, go ahead and do that. [Sarah Antari] I also just wanted to add that, um, connecting adoptive youth to other adopted youth is a really good way, um, to strengthen that, that community and make them feel like they're not the only one. Um, so bullying might not sting as much. [Heather] Absolutely. [Sarah] And if you're looking for a support group, um, email me and I'll help you find one. All right. I think that's it. [Caitlynn] Well, we wanna thank everyone for joining us today. In the chat, you'll find a QR code that will take you to the Adoption Competency page of OKFosters.org. Um, there you'll find resources and links to our next events that are wrapped around and supporting adoptive families. If you're needing a training certificate, let us know and we'll email one to you shortly. And then also go ahead and complete the survey, the link below to provide feedback over the session. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Ms. Heather! [Heather] Thank you. [Slide: Anne and Henry Zarrow School of Social Work Continuing Education, The University of Oklahoma Virtual CE: Trauma Sensitive Youth Violence Prevention Tuesday, March 5th, 2024 WE WANT TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS! Please use the link or scan the QR code to complete a short, online evaluation https://bit.ly/3TdFcXD] [Sarah] Um, in the, in the survey there's also a place that you can check if you want a copy of the PowerPoint or any of the information that was shared. So if you want that, make sure that you click on that, that option. Thank you, Heather. Thank you everybody for attending.