(melancholy piano music) [Alysha Kostyshyn] When I was younger, I was not very quick to change. Like, I did not like change. And so going from one home to another to a completely strange family, it was hard. [Shane Read] It was tough for me to move somewhere where it was all new. [Kayla VanDyke] It wasn't easy. The rules are always different. Expectations are different. There's these minor cues about the culture that everyone just seems to get and sometimes you get it wrong. [Heather Forbes] When we talk about kids who have been through trauma, what we have failed to see is that one of the most important pieces is that it's happened during transitions. This is transitional trauma. [Michael Shaver] The defining experience for a child who enters foster care starts with loss. [Debbie Schugg] Even if they want to be in your family, it's still scary. It's still a huge change. [Jihad Scott] It was, it was scary. [Heather Forbes] It doesn't mean that just because the change is a good change, that it's easy. Any type of change is going to be hard for our kids. (soft music) [CORE Teen logo appears on screen: the shape of a house sectioned off into triangles of different colors. Each section has the title of one of the CORE Teen curriculum chapters: Transitions, Continued Connections, Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity & Expression, Parental Regulation, Trauma-Informed Resource Parenting Part 1 and Part 2, Parental Adaptation, and Relationship Development. Screen zooms in on the "Transitions" title.] (joyous music) [Narrator] This is Core Teen, Right Time training for resource parents. In this episode, we focus on transitions: those times of change and upheaval when children must move. We'll learn from experts the impact transitions can have on young people in care. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] They don't know how to live in your home. That's something they've gotta learn. [Narrator] We'll hear from experienced resource parents who have helped children get through difficult transitions. [Anne Ward] Every kid is different and every age is different, and how they come into your home is different every time. [Narrator] And we'll listen to the voices of youth. [Devotia] Treat me like I'm actually part of the family. And that's really all I wish for. [Narrator] As we learn about the impact of transitions, why they happen, how they feel, and what resource parents can do to prepare for them. ["Transitions" title card] (joyous music swells) [Card: The Impact of Transitions on Young People. "It really took a toll on me."] [Jennifer Rhodes: Foster Care Alumna] It really took a toll on me when I was taken from my biological family. I was very close to them. I didn't know what everything that was going on around me, 'cause to me, that was just my family. I loved them. I wanted to be with who I belonged to like, I was theirs. [Michael Shaver: President and CEO Children's Home Society of Florida] Every transition they've experienced in their life could have meant the loss of a good friend, the loss of a caring teacher, the loss of a principal they saw twice a day who just made them feel special. [Vivianna Castillo-Royal: Foster Care Alumna] When I first got into foster care it was kind of like, I didn't know what foster care was. [Alysha Kostyshyn: Foster Care Alumna] I was very confused. Um, I didn't really like it at all. [Jairus Sexton: Foster Care Alumnus] You know, you're kind of like, shocked I guess, 'cause, um, you're going to a new, you know, home. Plus you're going to a new school and you don't really get to see your family. [Debbie Schugg] I think about how scary that would be. [Darla Henry: President Darla L. Henry and Associates] Because now your whole life changes. The life that you knew, everyday-ness, is different. That's loss. [Jenny Gottfried: Program Manager The Village Network] They didn't ask to come here. They didn't ask to be moved from their family. And you're asking them to go to a new home with a new set of rules, a new set of smells, new foods that they may not have ever had and may not like. [Heather Forbes: Author and Developmental Trauma Therapist, The Beyond Consequences Institute] So I want you as a parent to step back and say, well, wait a minute. What if I were to take you and put you into a home that had completely different food, different traditions, different culture. How would your transition be? Would you be able to just do it overnight? [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons: Child Welfare Consultant] You really do have to think about transition and what that means to them. Coming into your home, coming out of your home, making and losing relationships. And obviously, for our young people in care, they have had many transitions over which they've had almost no control. [Heather Forbes] This child is living in a deep fear state and they don't know that they're safe. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] I haven't met the person who likes being out of control. (laughs) It's hard. [Heather Forbes] It's very hard. [Samantha Coleman Forton: Foster Care Alumna] The hardest part for me, moving into a new place, was the new people. 'Cause I'm not, I'm not good with people sometimes. [Alysha Kostyshyn] It felt very uncomfortable, and I was very vulnerable. [Darla Henry] It's frightening to have to live with strangers. It's awful to have to change your routine to a stranger's home. It's terrible to have people asking you questions you don't want to answer. [Alysha Kostyshyn] I didn't like it. Like, I really hated it actually. [Samantha Coleman Forton] And sometimes people have expectations. [Debbie Schugg: Resource Parent] There's often an expectation that the child coming into our family at whatever age is going to just adapt to our family. [Samantha Coleman Forton] They expect you to be automatically comfortable there. They expect you to automatically be comfortable sitting down at meals with them. Sometimes I just needed time. [Jenny Gottfried] Now on top of it, they're dealing with the trauma of being removed from a parent who even though may have been abusive is still someone who they love, have an attachment with. [Darla Henry] We are taking them from an unsafe, high-risk environment that was bad for them. However, we are taking them from that situation where there was love. We don't talk about that. [Michael Shaver] And by the way, for many of these kids that's not the first time it's happened to me. It's not the second time, it's not the third time. It's the fourth or fifth time that this has happened. [Jennifer Rhodes] In total, I was in uh, 22 foster homes. I was in, um, (clicks tongue) uh, one group home and two juvenile detention centers. [Darla Henry] And at some point pretty early on if there's too many moves, then they just shut down. [Jennifer Rhodes] After the first couple of times I was moved, I started realizing, like, um, you know, nothing's permanent so just go with it and, and don't get attached to people. (soft melody) [Card: A Young Person's Journey Through the Child Welfare System] [Narrator] There is no one-size-fits-all template for helping children make transitions and no way to shield children from the separation, loss, and grief that go along with these transitions, but there are ways to help. First, it's important to know that there are many different kinds of transitions in the child welfare system. There is that first, wrenching transition when a child is removed from their family of origin because of abuse, neglect, or other unsafe conditions. They might go to the home of a relative, to a group home, or to a licensed foster home. Once they're in the system, kids often move from foster home to foster home, from an emergency placement to something longer-term, or to be with siblings, or because of a disruption. They might move from a foster home to the home of a relative or back again. A young person might be stepping down from a higher level of care, such as a residential treatment center, correctional facility, or hospital into a family home. Or the other way around: a youth might be moving from a family home into congregate care. Some young people enter foster care after living in a shelter or experiencing homelessness. No one knows how many young people couch-surf, drifting from home to home, often undetected by the child welfare system. Sometimes a young person exits the system to be adopted, which could mean a physical move into a new permanent home or a change in status within the same family's home. In the best cases, a family is reunified. The young person can safely move back home. [Over the narration, an animation of a young person standing beside the CORE Teen logo house, holding a bag with a sad look on their face. The house shatters into separate sections that turn into various types of houses and homes in a circle around the young person. The young person is moved between various homes that match the audio. Eventually, the house comes back together and the child moves back into it.] [Card: Preparing For Transitions] [Footage of parents and social workers talking and going over stacks of files and paperwork, children talking with each other or with parents.] [Narrator] Ideally, any transition should be carefully planned over time with ample preparation, support, and communication between caregivers, the child's family, and professionals. [Flashing lights, then a shot of a child walking down a path in the woods.] [Narrator] But sometimes the transition is an emergency. To ease a child's transition into your home, you'll need to know as much as possible about their placement history, the circumstances around this move, the life experiences that have shaped them so far, what their current living arrangement is like, and how they're doing emotionally, socially, and academically. [Animation of the young person moving from a foster home to different home] [Narrator]: Likewise, when a child moves out of your home into another placement setting, you will play an essential role in preparing the child and their next caregiver for a smooth transition. [Michael Shaver] Caregivers play a vital role depending on what the nature of the transition is. [Narrator] Planned or unplanned, transitions are challenging. The adults in the child's life can help by keeping three considerations at the forefront. [Card: Factors to consider when preparing for transitions] [Michael Shaver, off-screen] First, recognize what the impact on the child or youth is likely to be, what the needs of the home that will be receiving that child will be, and what some of the needs of the child will be in their current placement as they support the child moving on to their next placement. [Michael Shaver] Let's take a pretty fundamental transition. A child is removed from the home and placed into foster care. It's vital for that caregiver to understand the attachment and the bond that likely exists with the biological parent. [Heather Forbes] What matters to children is their family. And when they get pulled out of that family, no matter how challenging it was, no matter how abusive it was, how neglectful it was, it doesn't matter. That's their family. [Michael Shaver] Recognizing that the parents are not anonymous. They are very much a part of the equation, that you are partnered with that parent. [Darla Henry] This child is connected to another family by birth. Nothing will ever change that. [Michael Shaver] You are just recognizing the difficulty inherent of having been separated. Probably the most common placement-related transition is from one foster home to another foster home. [Animation of child bouncing from one foster home to another to another] [Michael Shaver] And I think, again, caregivers play the vital role of being able to set the context. And again, I would say this is both caregivers in the home that a child is leaving, for whatever that reason might be, and also the caregivers who are receiving a child that's moving from one foster home to another. The extent to which those caregivers can come together with a narrative that explains: we care about you, we want you to be successful, and here's what we're doing as a team to make that, make that possible. [Anne Ward: Resource Parent] That takes really good communication between, um, myself and the family, and the family services workers. [Michael Shaver] It means whenever possible, putting as much information that's age-appropriate for the child or youth on the table so that they have some sense of agency over what's going to happen to them next. [Jenny Gottfried] So helping them to understand, 'what's it going to be like? What's going to happen? What's the process look like?' Asking them if they have questions, finding out what the fears are. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Encourage the young person to ask questions and express fears.] [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] If they're going to live in another home, then it's usually important to meet the folks first, to visit first, to talk about what they like and don't like in that home first. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Whenever possible, arrange for visits with new caregivers.] [Michael Shaver] When did they get up? Did they have chores? Uh, was there an allowance? What kinds of activities did they, did they like to do? [A Tool for your Toolbox: Communicate with former and future caregivers about the young person's preferences and routines.] [Nicole Pauling: Resource Parent] I sent out a family profile to every child who's going to come into my home, and I let them choose whether they're coming to us. They know before they walk through the door. They've seen pictures of their room. They've seen pictures of the house. They've seen pictures of our pets. They know their names. Like, I think it's very unfair that I get every bit of your information. I know when you were sexually abused, I know who beat you, I know your parents were in jail for drugs, and you know nothing about me? [A Tool for your Toolbox: Create a family book or electronic profile to familiarize young people with your household.] [Jennifer Rhodes] Sometimes as a foster child, I was treated like I was broken without anyone even ever knowing or asking me my story, you know? And that, that hurts so much, like, when someone reads your file and thinks that they just know you. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Take steps to get to know the young person who will be joining your family.] [Nicole Pauling] If we seem like a good fit for them, awesome. If we don't, I'm not offended. Let them choose. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Take steps to share information and power.] [Lena Wilson: Vice President, Child and Family Samaritas] Talk to the youth about what it's like to be in this family. You know, this is what we do. This is where we go from time to time. This is what our routine and our structure looks like. [Michael Shaver] This is what a day in the life in our home would look like. [Lena Wilson] And so they can come in with a sense of, um, you know it's not so scary. [Narrator] Another common transition is from a congregate living environment to a family home. [Animation of young person moving from residential home to a house] [Addie Williams: Executive Consultant, Spaulding for Children] Transitions for youth and teens coming from a residential setting can be a little different than for a youth who's coming out of a foster home setting. Residential settings typically have a lot of rules. They are very structured. And so their transition into a family may be a bit more challenging. [Heather Forbes] So if you have a child that is moving from congregate care into your family, it is very important to be proactive and to go to that environment, speak to the staff, speak to people who know this child. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Talk to residential staff who know the child well.] [Lisa Morrison: Clinical Therapist, The Village Network] The staff know what, what sets them off. They know what makes them tick. They know what actually works to calm them down versus what might work. [Addie Williams] Talk to individuals who may not necessarily be a staff, but have a good idea of who this child is. That may be the maintenance person, um, that may be a school teacher, that may be a visiting family of another child. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Reach out to other adults who know the child well.] [Heather Forbes] And that sort of jump-starts you to know what their likes and dislikes are, what regulates them, what dysregulates them, what their triggers are. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] What they eat and what they don't eat, and whether they sleep with the lights on or the lights off. All of those things are going to help both you as the parent and them to ease through the transition better. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Learn as much as you can about the youth's preferences and habits before they move in.] [Melissa Peterson] The way I started is, I use the people she had a connection with. [Jenny Gottfried] You know, being able to maybe visit them with their trusted staff because sometimes that handoff is crucial. [Melissa Peterson] So the staff she trusted the most in residential, the three of us would do something. [Jenny Gottfried] Being able to say, you know what, like almost like there's this little seal of approval that happens, you know, like, 'okay, well, they were okay with them and I trust them, so maybe I'll be okay over here.' (upbeat melody) [Card: Preparing for Transitions: Preparing members of your household] [Megan Lestino: Director, Public Policy and Education National Council for Adoption] One of the things that I think is really important for families to understand is that the whole family needs to be onboard. They need to understand that it is going to shift things in the way their family works and looks and functions on a day-to-day basis. I think a lot of those things can be talked through with kids. [Debbie Schugg] Really talk to the children who are already in the home because they can make or break the success of these kids coming in and not just talking about why are we doing this? But also, it's so important to talk to the kids who are already in your family about what do you want to hold sacred? Lots is going to change, sweetie, right? Every time someone else, whether it's a baby or a 17 year old joins a family, it's gonna be a lot of change. What do you want to make sure doesn't change? What matters to you? Doing all of that before kids come in can make a huge difference in terms of how those new children are welcomed. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Reassure children in the home that some things that are important to them can stay the same.] (upbeat melody) [Card: Preparing for Transitions: Preparing extended family and friends] [Addie Williams] What's the relationship with extended family? How do they relate to the children that are currently in your home? What is their understanding of this new individual? How are they going to treat them? [Heather Forbes] We often perceive that our extended family is going to embrace our decision to foster or to adopt, that this is just one more person - the more, the merrier! Many times, that is not the case. [Addie Williams] That is something that parents need to understand before the youth is brought into the home. It's a little bit late when Uncle Joe brings the other two kids a gift and doesn't bring the youth that they brought in a gift, because "he's not my nephew." [A Tool for your Toolbox: Communicate expectations with extended family before the child moves into your home.] [Heather Forbes] So, be prepared that maybe sometimes extended family won't understand. [Addie Williams] And there may be some family members that you don't visit as often if they can't understand your new family constellation and get with the program. (upbeat melody) [Card: Supporting Youth During Transitions] [Narrator] As we've seen, every young person entering foster care is dealing with loss. [Robyn Harvey: Resource Parent] Kids have losses when they come to your house. They lose their school, often they lose their pets, they lose their parents, they lose their friends. [Shane Read] Every time I moved, I lost connections. I lost friends. I lost belongings. [Jennifer Rhodes] I came there with nothing, literally the clothes on my back. It was all I had. [Darla Henry] The first engagement of that young person should be "I know this is really scary. I know you miss your mom. I know you might miss your dad. You're wondering what's happening." Anything related to that. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Acknowledge that the child may be grieving and communicate that you understand.] [Anne Ward] I don't usually ask kids to tell me how they're feeling right away. You know, I don't say, "how's that feeling for you" because that's an intimacy, right? We haven't built that yet. So I'll just say, "I know this is weird. I feel weird too." [A Tool for your Toolbox: Respect boundaries.] [Darla Henry] "Welcome. We know this is maybe a struggle for you to do. Would you like a cup of tea? Would you like a glass of milk?" [Anne Ward] I like to keep the little, the, the rolled up, um like instant cookies or biscuits in the fridge or freezer. That's a tip that I learned from another foster parent. So, if you get a call and you know kids are on the way, you stick some of those in the oven, so then you both have a snack that's right there, um and you, you have this sort of welcoming, warm, homey feel. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Have snacks on hand to provide a warm and welcoming environment.] [Paty Carroll] We don't talk about rules the first night that they come in. We try not to even do it the first week that they're there. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Don't overwhelm youth with a lot of rules and information right away.] [Anne Ward] By the time a kid gets here, what they've been through that day is just, it's too much. When they come into this space, they need space. [Anne Ward sitting on a couch, feeding a baby while talking with a teen] [Narrator] Children moving through the system may have been rejected in the past, and they may enter your home expecting to be rejected again. [Darquita Fletcher] I think the most important thing is to make them feel like they're a part of the family. [Shane Read] Not treating us like we're an actual foster child, treating us like we're one of your own. [Devotia] I did not want to hear them say, "Oh, this is my foster daughter, Devotia." No, I want to hear you guys say, "This is my daughter, Devotia" because saying 'foster daughter' just makes me feel like I'm not part of the family. [Jennifer Rhodes] Make us comfortable, help us know, um, know that we're valued somewhere, that you're not gonna kick us out if we mess up one time. [Darquita Fletcher: Bureau Chief, Policy Practice, Prince George's County Department of Social Services] It's important for the resource parent to make the youth feel welcome and safe and accepted. [Narrator] A sense of safety and belonging doesn't develop overnight. It develops over time, but caregivers can set the tone right away. [Samantha Coleman Forton] They brought my stuff to the room I was in. They said, "we'll be outside the room. You can close the door. You can have the door open. You can take as much time as you need." And they let me be and waited until I came to them instead of trying to come to me. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Make yourself available, but let the youth come to you when they're ready.] [Kayla VanDyke] It was just small things. It was, "I know you like energy drinks, so I got you one after work. What do you want to eat tonight?" [Jennifer Rhodes] Letting me make my bedroom my own, um, letting me put things up on the wall that are important to me, or, or have a a comforter and a pillow that is like, you know, something that I think is cute. [A teen placing stuffed animals and decorative pillows on a bed] [A Tool for your Toolbox: Let youth express themselves by making their space all their own.] (soft melody) [Card: Transitions Take Time] [Heather Forbes] When you take a teenager and you put them into a well-functioning healthy family, we simply assume that this teenager is going to understand what family is. They don't. [Dondieneita Fleary-Simmons] We do get in the habit of just expecting people to adapt or even, not just adapt, to really thrive and say, "Ooh, you're in a better situation now. You should be great." [J. Stuart Ablon: Director, Think:Kids, Massachusetts General Hospital; Associate Professor, Harvard Medical School] Now, the reason this is so tough for the kids that we're talking about is that they have experienced all kinds of unpredictable, chaotic environments, lots of loss. So they have no reason to believe things are going to go like they're expecting and they're bracing for the worst. So parents can help in a few ways. First of all, if kids do need to know, the more you can help them understand, the better. [Heather Forbes] There has to be that teaching, that learning. What I usually do with kids is to say, you know, "I respect where you came from, but now this is what your basically, what your new reality is going to look like." [J. Stuart Ablon] The other thing is it's really important to be able to hang on to things that you're leaving behind that are meaningful for you. [Michael Shaver] Whether it's a residential program or a foster care program, um, the children will become acclimated to the rituals of family life. Being aware of those things and doing as much as you can to provide continuity between the, the rituals they're familiar with and the rituals that they're about to be familiar with is incredibly important to easing that transition. [A Tool for your Toolbox: Create continuity by incorporating some of the child's former routines into your household.] [Heather Forbes] Maybe it's the same time you eat, maybe the same time for bed. Some of the things that you can recreate in order to smooth that transition for that child so that some things feel a bit familiar because pretty much everything is going to be unfamiliar. [Michael Shaver] When I transitioned, um, my son out of a residential setting, one of the things that I took from his experience in that setting that was familiar to him was a kind of a very basic behavioral checklist. And that experience that he had in his previous setting of saying, "what's my chart? What am I doing? What should I be doing? It's 8:15 in the morning" really allowed him to anchor his, his new experience in his new environment around something that was familiar to him. [Debbie Schugg] And then really integrating what matters to the kids. What are the foods that you like to eat, right? And maybe we've never eaten them - that's okay. Are there recipes that are important to you? [Jenny Gottfried] So like when you're gonna go shopping for the week, take them with you and have them help you pick things out. Maybe you can say, "you know what, why don't you prepare a meal for our family? Why don't we create something together" so that, you know, if spaghetti is their comfort food, let 'em make spaghetti. [Robyn Harvey] So if a kid said, "Hey, you know, I love cocoa puffs." Then we would make sure that we had cocoa puffs in the house when they arrived, because it was a feeling of familiarity and warmth and it was, it was just a gesture to say, "we see you." [Lisa Morrison] It's a sweet gesture of "who you are matters to me." [Foster mother pouring chocolate milk for a teen who is sitting at the kitchen counter, eating.] [Foster Mother] What do you all do for birthdays? [Anne Ward] "In the morning, how do you want me to wake you up?" [Paty Carroll] What's their favorite this, what's their favorite that? (warm, joyous music) [Narrator] As we've seen, major transitions, such as leaving home and entering the child welfare system, are traumatic for children. We also know that minor, everyday transitions, like leaving for school or getting ready for bed can trigger sensations of anxiety and dread that can often be traced to an earlier transition that was traumatic. [Animation of young person surrounded by different types of homes. Footage of two teens walking together on the sidewalk. A teen wrapped in a blanket, laying down in their bed.] [Heather Forbes] This is transitional trauma. And so that very important moment is going to define how they deal with transitions from that point forward, because it was a change. And for them now, their blueprint says "Change equals pain." Simple transitions that we think of as simple in our adult perspectives, now have a blueprint around them that something bad is going to happen. [Caelan Soma] It's like flying. What are the hardest parts? The takeoff and the landing, right? That's what people hate, who hate to fly. That's what transitions are, and it's the unpredictability. [Heather Forbes] Any transition may feel just as big as the transition from moving one home to another home. [Melissa Peterson] Leaving, coming, going, you know, changing activities. You know, we know those are stressful, so how do we make that better? [Heather Forbes] And we just have to respect that every single child has his or her own pace of healing. [Alysha Kostyshyn] It takes time. It takes that space. It takes that kind of, like, level of trust that they build over time. [Heather Forbes] The reality is, if they need more time, they're going to need more time. You cannot force healing. It's, it's not something that can be forced. [Alysha Kostyshyn] Kind of let that flower bloom. (upbeat tempo) [Title Card: Transitions] [CORE Teen logo]